Today was a lucky day for New Zealand with the National government announcing an exciting new water quality standard. MyThinks attended the announcement next to a pungent West Auckland stream.
LACKIE: Please welcome to the podium the Prime Minister of New Zealand… Mr. Bill English.
(A smattering of accidental applause rings out before quickly dying away)
BILL: Thank you… um… Nick Smith’s chap. Yes.. welcome everyone to an exciting day in the history of our young country. Thank you to minister Smith for warming the crowd up with his unique brand of sideways head tilting.
We are here today to talk about water. You can see behind me a lovely bathing hole here in the heart of industrial West Auckland. Just looking at it on this moist afternoon makes me want to do what evety kiwi loves to do and strip down to my undies and jump in for a quick dip. Unfortunately I have a water quality announcement to make so the undies will have to wait.
The National Party are fully aware of New Zealanders love of rivers and waterways. We are also aware of our unique position as the milking teet of the world. That is why we are very pleased to announce a crack down on pollution and a new target of 90% of rivers in New Zealand to be swimmable by the year 2136.
How are we going to achieve this ambitious target? By doubling or even trebling the number of toxins allowed in our rivers. How amazingly simple is that? By just moving the goalposts ever so slightly, then cutting them down and washing them into the river with a torrent of effluent, we in National believe we have cracked the holy grail of water purity.
Thank you all for coming. Right… can we get out of here? My eyes and throat are burning.