Tag Archives: john key

Prime Minister turns into 3yo boy

One of MyThinks journalists was monitoring the news earlier on today for anything of interest. Interestingly enough, something caught his interest. The leader of our nation – John Key – appearing on being interviewed on Morning Report about child poverty by Guyon Espiner. The Prime Minister made some interesting points during the interview that fell into the aforementioned “interesting” category. Here is a transcript of that interview. 

GUYON: Good morning prime minister.

JOHN: Morning.

GUYON: So… tell me about child poverty. How are the government measuring it? How are the government going to reduce it?

JOHN: No.

GUYON: Sorry?

JOHN: No.

GUYON: No you won’t tell me or no the government isn’t going to measure it or reduce it.

JOHN: I SAID NO! JUST STOP ASKING OK!!!

GUYON: I still don’t understand. Are you measuring child poverty or not?

JOHN: Just shut up. You’re a big meanie and I’m not going to talk to you.

GUYON: But… Prime Minister… we still have four and a half minutes left in the interview…

JOHN:

GUYON: Prime Minister?

JOHN:

GUYON: Child poverty is at cris…

JOHN (fingers heard being placed in ears): Not listening. Not listening. Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah…

GUYON: Prime Minister. If I could just…

JOHN:blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah….

GUYON: …ask you…

JOHN: …blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah…

GUYON: …aboutheSyriancrisis??

JOHN: bla… oh yes… The Syrian crisis. It’s just terrible. Obviously there are thousands of people who’ve been displaced in Syria.

GUYON: Many of them children?

JOHN: Yes… and that’s a real tragedy. Every day I turn on my news and see thousands and thousands of children suffering. Homelessness. Disease. Broken families. Death. It’s just absolutely appalling and New Zealand must lead the world in dealing with this humanitarian catastrophe. If the international community don’t act soon they will have blood on their hands.
GUYON: Just like you’re going to have blood on your hands when children in New Zealand die from third-world diseases?

JOHN: Yes, abso… what!!?!? SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP. You eggburger!!

*sound of Prime Minister removing headphones and walking out of RNZ studio*

GUYON: Thank you Prime Minister.

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Key announces plans to step down once Auckland house price average hit $4 million

National Party leader and all-round classic bloke John Key today hinted at a possible timetable for his succession.

The Prime Minister was talking off the cuff at another National Party photo opportunity where they were announcing a plan they had already announced while pretending it was a freshly announced and newly thought up announcement.

When asked by a young child whether he would be “giving up because my dad says everybody hates you,” he simply replied, “at the end of the day I will stand down when the time is right.”

Pressed further by reporters, Key said he would stand down once he had secured his legacy of a $4 million average house price in Auckland.

He said it was important to him, as an NBR rich-lister, that every home owner in the country had the opportunity to own a multi-million dollar mansion just like he and all his cabinet colleagues do.

Shhhhhh everyone… it’s all going to be ok.

When asked about succession the Prime Minister suggested someone visionary like Nick Smith be groomed for the role. Key said Smith had often shown himself to be well ahead of his time often promoting things that many, many other people couldn’t see. Key also said the Housing Minister would often continue to promote his ideas even when others had long-since rejected them. This, said the PM, took real vision.

Others he put forward others to take over his role as National Party leader were Paula Bennett, Steven Joyce or anyone but Collins.

Key then thanked everyone for coming and then made his way to a waiting diplomatic limousine lighting a $400 Cuban cigar with a $10,000 note.

Government announces massive pest control programme

Today the government has put its weight behind a plan to make New Zealand pest free by 2050. The plan, announced by John Key at the Zealandia sanctuary in Wellington, has been welcomed by many groups.

The Prime Minister announced today the creation of a new joint venture company called Pest Free New Zealand. The organisation will work with the private sector to come up with ways of tackling the country’s possum, rat, and stoat populations.

John Key said the agency will be up and running by early next year.

“It will be responsible for identifying large, high-value predator control projects, and attracting co-investors to boost their scale and success.”

Key said, “we expect this announcement today to get rid of many of those pests from the Labour Party who keep talking about housing, homelessness and hospital waiting lists.”

Key stands firm on stance

Prime Minister John Key was today firm on his Iraq war stance. The National Party leader was being questioned following this week’s release of the long-awaiting Chilcot Report into the decision by Tony Blair to destroy the country of Iraq.

Key, in opposition at the time, spoke out against Helen Clark’s decision not to join the Coalition of the Insane set up by Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld. At the time Key was adamant that Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction because, “Tony Blair said there was and I had no reason not to believe him because he always told the truth.”

The Prime Minister was holding a stand up outside a factory where he was celebrating the National-led government’s 90 day . Media asked whether he regretted his decision to support the destruction of Iraq.

“Of course not,” said Key, “I believe in never admitting I’m wrong even when I’m wrong. But in this case I wasn’t wrong. Because Tony Blair says I wasn’t.”

Blair, whose reputation, which was already tenuous because of his continued insistence his decision to back the US-led war in Iraq was totes fine, ended up being decimated by the report from retired civil servant Sir John Chilcot.

“Look,” he said at a marathon 6 hour press conference where he tried, in vain, to convince the throng of media and himself that what he did wasn’t a war crime, “I am with John Key – the current Prime Minister of New Zealand (perhaps you’ve heard of him) – at the time we could only go by the information we were given by our press office. That information said there were WMD in Iraq. I had no reason to disbelieve the Labour Party media office. So I committed British troops to the war. ”

After playing Blair’s press conference to gathered media on his phone, John Key said, “See. Tony Blair was telling the truth because Tony Blair said he was telling the truth. That’s all the truth I need.”

Key left the bemused media slapping Steven Joyce on the butt and congratulating himself for defusing situation.

It’s hard being the PM

I hope you’re all having a good weekend. It’s been a really tough week for me. People have been getting onto me about the large number of homeless people living in garages and cars around the greater Auckland area and in other parts of the country.

There really is no need for anybody not to live in a house. Anybody can just rock up to WINZ and ask for a low interest loan to pay for a few nights in a dirty motel. With that small leg up from the government they can then go out and get a job and buy a house. It really is that simple.

The National government prides itself on providing the necessary fiscal measures for people to live in their own home, and if not their own home, a home that’s owned by one of the very MPs creating and maintaining the fiscal conditions for that home’s existence.

Let me talk about me for a minute. Back in the 1980s I was homeless. There was a time there while working for a large unnamed finance company when I had no home. I lived in hotels and holiday houses across the US and Europe. This was a very hard time for me travelling around the world, sipping champagne and making millions of dollars. I totally understand what these people living in their cousin’s garage must be going through.

Now, of course, I own a number of properties, as do my ministers. It’s important to remember that if we adjust the fiscal conditions too quickly, then many, many of our voters will get burned.

The Greens want Housing NZ to give up its dividend to the government. Labour want Housing NZ to build thousands of houses. This is sheer lunacy. It’s not going to work. Sure, it will mean Housing NZ has millions of dollars to build all the houses Labour wants it to. But what is that going to achieve?

Labour and the Greens should just stick to what they’re good at – suggesting whole range of solutions to a raft of problems which National can then pick and choose from. Let National get on with the business of governing and leave the policy development to the idiots. Or, as we’ve been doing for the past three or four weeks, re-announcing policies we’ve had in place for ages – policies that haven’t really worked – so that it looks like we’re doing something (It’s what CrosbyTextor would want us to do).

Just ask yourself, at the end of the day, is the policy really going to make my real estate portfolio grow? Will my blind trust, the blind trust that I absolutely don’t see ever at all, fall in value. Possibly, or possibly not, but I don’t want to take that risk.

And that’s the dilemma I face every day. Being Prime Minister is really hard, man. Do I do the right thing for me, my mates and our voters or do I do the right thing for New Zealand?

I know which one I’m choosing.