What follows is a short extract from the diary of Prime Minister Bill English detailing his Waitangi Day activities.
Dear diary… today dawned like any other with the sun appearing over the horizon like a giant ball of burning hydrogen. I rose from my bed and donned my dressing gown and headed for breakfast. Two Weet-Bix and a cup of tea later I was ready for some serious prime-ministering. Several breakfasts and a yum cha later I was ready for a well earned rest. I retired to my luxurious and very free crown limousine and told Harold to drive. So we drove. 17.43 minutes* around and around until the phone rang. I answerved it and guess who it was? None other than President Trump – the President. He said hello and I also said hello. He called the Australian PM something I can’t repeat here** and then said something about The Hobbit and Sir Bob Charles before going on about how awesome he was and how stupid the fake media were for not reporting the facts he was telling them to report. He then mentioned how much he hated Alec Baldwin before saying that I should drop by the White House next time I’m nearby so we can throw darts at his CNN dartboard. Then he said goodbye and hung up.
Following this call I am certain we will have first preference on a bilateral trade deal should the chance arise. ***
Had Trump stopped talking about himself during the conversation I’m sure I would have said his immigration law changes weren’t very nice.
Anyway, thank you for listening diary.
Bill English (Prime Minister of New Zealand)
NOTES FOR MEMOIR:
* that’s .43 of a minute which is 25.8 seconds, not 43 seconds, in case you were wondering.
** President Trump said, “Trumble is a bit of a dick.”
*** I am not convinced there will be any trade deal without us putting Sir Bob Charles up as some kind of collateral.