SIMON J BRIDGES
SUNDAY, 18 MARCH, 2018
New National Party leader and recent NCEA graduate Simon Bridges has today announced when National retain the government benches in 2020 one of the first things they will do is create a Ministry of Reckons. Bridges made the announcement at a press conference held in Takapuna this afternoon.
“For too long,” he told the gathered person from the media, “we have had so many thoughts and ideas expressed by our friends in the National’s media that are ignored by this Labour-led government.”
“Common sense is what we need,” said Bridges, “too often regulations, rules and other things that keep us safe don’t make any sense to those of us who don’t follow them anyway.”
Mr Bridges continued. “Take Mike Hosking, for example. Every morning he sits down for breakfast with the nation and tells them what to think. He is a great mind with amazing reckons. Mike earns a cool million a year and drives around in a late-model European supercar. What better person is there to represent the down-to-earth reckons of the working New Zealander?”
Bridges also pointed out that Hosking’s wife Kate Hawkesby would be good to have on board because there’s nothing better than “wife reckons.”
Bridges’ plan would set up a ministry to draw from the vast range of reckons that are published as clickbait by Stuff and NZME. He said quite often these reckons made absolute sense and fitted very nicely with where he believed the National Party was heading. Reckons would be turned into a range of policies by a huge team of public servants who were being, up until the 2017 election, politically trained to side with the National Party on all issues.
Bridges reckoned the Ministry of Reckons would become something to be reckoned with.
Not long ago and quite close to home
An election was held to decide a new throne.
With many votes cast and results nearly in
National began with their post-ballot din.
“We are the winners!” they announced with much glee.
“We have the most votes! The most votes are with we!”
They began to speak through their surrogate friends
Who dutifully worked to their masters ends.
“The winner is the one who has the most votes.”
“A coalition of losers can’t even row boats!”
(But this time Joyce made subtle corrections
and had the rowers all jogging in different directions)
But as the dust settled and people were thinking
Some of them said, “Hang on. What have you been thinking?”
The rules of democracy quite clearly state
That the winner must have 50% plus one on their plate.
That explanation did not go down well.
No. That explanation was sent back to hell.
All the surrogates continued to painfully whine
As jelly seemed to replace all their spines.
“The winner is the one who has the most votes”
“A coalition of losers can’t even row boats!”
“We are the winners!” went up the plea.
“We have the most votes! The most votes are with we!!”
Then Winston popped up I’m quite happy to say
To tell all the people which way he would sway.
“The people have spoken,” he said with good cheer,
“And I’m now with Jacinda. It is she, do you hear!”
You should have heard the right wing explode.
They now went in to their full attack mode.
“But we are the winners!” they cried out in pain.
“We have the most votes. It’s our turn again!”
But National were done. It just wasn’t their day
They had no more friends who could come out to play.
Labour and Winston with their friends in the Greens
Were now in control – what a sight to be seen.
Of course, you couldn’t shut up the feverish few
Who kept going on because they were blue.
“But we were the winners!” they continued to plea
“We had the most votes. The most votes were with we!”
But all had stopped listening and turned off their screens
And slid them back into their handbags and jeans.
Despite the Blue brains that had all prolapsed
Things were ok and they hadn’t collapsed.
Everyone decided National had been
The losing-est losers they’d ever seen.
With the ink still drying on the deals between the Labour Party and its government partners New Zealand First and the Green Party, many on the
losing centre-right side of the political spectrum are crying foul. Here with his views on the election result is our resident right-wing pundit Dr Edward Pharctähd.
This has certainly been a sad month for those who won the election. With 44% of the vote the National Party and David Seymour absolutely have the moral majority to lead the government. Sure they don’t have the actual majority to lead the government, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be doing it, even if they can’t.
The Greens could have signed a deal. I know for a fact that many, many National Party MPs and supporters would have loved to have the Greens sitting next to them. I ask you this: what’s better? A hemp suit and a slightly fragrant herbal waft or a man who wants to move an entire port 200kms away from my yacht club? Yes. I am aware both those parties are now supporting the Labour Party but… um… err…. I can’t remember where I was going with that.
Bill English is a great man and Steven Joyce has supported him fully through the election campaign with sound financial advice about huge holes in the Labour Party budget. Those holes were there alright. I have no reason to disbelieve Joyce. I mean, he was Finance Minister for less that a year and some of all those economists who disagreed with him have only been economists for decades, so what would they know?
I’m sure Bill and the boys and Paula will hammer away at the coalition of the losers over the next three years (if they last that long). I’m certain the stardust will explode in a supernova of dark matter. Then my beloved National Party will storm back to power and restart all those wonderful policies which have seen their wallets and the wallets of many of their supporters over the last decade.
I agree with Hosk. These are not so happy days.
Here at MyThinks, our correspondent has been ferreting and weaseling information out of various political operatives as the coalition negotiations between the major players get underway following the election on Saturday. From the information he has gathered, we have constructed an exact* transcript of negotiations as they have happened so far.
LOCATION: Meeting room 13, Beehive.
LABOUR: Hello Winston. Good to see you. Please come in and sit down. Can we get you anything?
WINSTON: No thanks.
LABOUR: So let’s get down to it. What’s your position? What does your party want?
LABOUR: Um… pardon?
WINSTON: Just gimmie.
LABOUR: Um… gimmie? Gimmie what?
WINSTON: Everything. Gimmie. Gimmie! GIMMIE!!!!
LABOUR: Ok… You are asking quite a lot so we’ll have to go back to caucus and discuss this further. We’ll contact you once we’ve had our discussion.
(Labour negotiators get up from table to leave)
(Labour walk towards the door)
WINSTON: Gimmie!! Gimmie!
(Labour continue out the door)
WINSTON: (calling after Labour negotiators) Gimmie!
LOCATION: Meeting room 13, Beehive. Later that afternoon.
NATIONAL: Hello Winston. Hope you’re feeling well. What would you like? Is there anything the team can get you?
WINSTON: No thanks.
NATIONAL: So let’s get down to it. What’s your position? What does your party want?
NATIONAL: Done. Welcome to government.
*transcript may not be exact or based in reality of any kind.
The brains-trust of MyThinks has been crunching the numbers following the election day result. Our analysis has offered up some very interesting possibilities in terms of the make up of the next parliament.
National / New Zealand First
The most likely outcome. New Zealand First have a history of forming coalitions with the party winning the largest share of the vote. National have a history of doing just about anything to stay in power. A National /NZ First government would probably have Bill English as Prime Minister and Winston Peters as Minister of Whatever He Wants. Paula Bennett will be left out in the cold and given something unimportant like sports or tourism. Look for Gerry Brownlee to order a new speakers chair after breaking the old one.
Labour / New Zealand First / Greens
An unlikely scenario as Winston Peters has ruled out ever working with the Greens, unless he gets exactly what he wants, in which case this is possible. Since Labour are not National this is not really on the cards. The Greens have said they are happy to work with Winston so this could be an option, but Winston thinks they are a bunch of dirty hippies, so this is highly unlikely.
Labour / New Zealand First with support from the Greens
Possible. Helen Clark’s last parliament left the Greens on the cross benches supporting Labour on confidence and supply. Since Winston has said he won’t work with the Greens it is possible Labour could go with this option. Watch in the coming days for National and its proxies to repeat over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again that they are the largest party in parliament and therefore it is written into lore they must form the next government. With the media wanting an instant solution to the those claims to round off their 24 hour news cycle, this could put a nail in this coffin for Labour.
National / Green
Not content to have destroyed the Māori Party, United Future, nearly New Zealand First and almost ACT, National proxies have today suggested the Greens start sniffing around for some baubles of power. Far right commentator Matthew Hooton said James Shaw could be Climate Change Minister in the new National government. National don’t really believe in climate change so it would be like putting Helen Clark in charge of dishing out knighthoods. No, Hoots is only suggesting this because he knows a) the Greens would never do it so he can take the moral high ground if they go with Labour, and b) if, by some bizarre stroke of fate, do decide to do it, then National can take them out (and not the pleasant table for two at Denny’s take you out, the Tony Soprano concrete gumboots take you out).
National minority government
National could try to run it alone. After all, Bill English said almost half of New Zealand voted for him. Tough shit that over half voted against him. A minority government would be doomed to failure so, by all means, crack on.
National / Labour
There’s nothing stopping these to neoliberal centrist parties creating a grand coalition. Except the inability of all of Labour to prevent a little bit of sick leaping into the back of their throat every time they thought about it.
ACT-led minority government
Feasibly ACT could cobble together a loose arrangement with some of the larger parties in parliament (at last count, that was all of them). In that way ACT could be the first single seat minnow party to lead a western government. But back in the real world where relevance is a key issue, with just 0.5% of the party vote, ACT might now be the Nigel NoMates of New Zealand politics.
Greens-led party coalition
The Greens could throw caution to the wind and ask individual like-minded MPs from any party to join them for a party on the roof of Bowen House. This has nothing to do with what we’ve been talking about but one can only imagine the quality of the craft beer at this gathering.
PR guru and far-right enthusiast Matthew Hooton tries to run the government from inside the plush offices of the Taxpayer’s Union. WhaleOil and David Farrar get wind of it and tell on him to Judith Collins. National implodes after six months in power and the country heads back to the polls.
Nobody has any idea what the hell Winston Peters is going to do so we should all just go about our normal everyday business until the National Party bribes him the most and they sign the contract.