The National Party’s official response to Grant Robertson’s first budget

Dear New Zealand,

The National Party are outraged and appalled at the budget announced by Grant Robertson. Labour’s first budget since we won the election is going to gut the country, kill children and livestock, and dismantle the very fabric of the universe.

Firstly, this is a classic tax and spend Labour budget. They have increased all sorts of taxes, which National never did (ever!!!), and they are going to spend the money raised on all of their election bribes. They’re throwing money at health, housing and education and, would you believe it, foreign affairs and trade. Who needs all those diplomats? Murray McCully never did. All he every wanted was a desert-based sheep farm and some moustache wax (although the latter demand fell away towards the end of his career).

As well as their tax and spend budget, this current Labour government is really struggling to cover their massive election promises. They’ve made all these promises for health, education and housing and they just aren’t spending the money to make one jot of difference to any New Zealander. This is just not good enough.

Finally, Labour are promising a huge $3 billion plus surplus. This is just ridiculous. What type of government doesn’t spend all the money it makes on the people it governs? What a bunch of Scrooge McSocialists. The National Party would never have made $3 billion or any other number of billions in surp… never mind.

In conclusion, Labour are spending too much, they’re not spending enough, and their surplus is too big and should be bigger.

Your loving leaders,

The National Party.

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National annoyed with Labour government

PRESS RELEASE – 6 MAY, 2018

NEW ZEALAND NATIONAL PARTY

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

National leader Simon Bridges has today come out and said how annoyed he is with the Labour-led coalition.

“I, and I think all of New Zealand agrees with me, am outraged at what Labour have been up to,” said Mr Bridges.

Mr Bridges says in the lead up to the budget, the government is doing far too much.

“Labour need to realise that government isn’t about getting things done,” said Mr Bridges, “it is about releasing press releases that list a whole bunch of things you might do in the future and then doing hardly any or none of them.”

Mr Bridges said the government’s plans on housing, health, education and the economy just didn’t stack up.

“I don’t know what they are thinking,” he said, “by announcing huge plans to build stadiums in Christchurch, hospitals in Dunedin and to fix up leaky buildings at schools and hospitals around the country they are just going to end up making people happy.”

Mr Bridges was also highly critical of this week’s announcement of a $100 million fund to end homelessness.

“What does Labour want?” asked Mr Bridges rhetorically, “tens of thousands of people not living in cars, bus shelters, and doorways? I mean, it’s just ridiculous.”

Mr Bridges said he was hugely proud of National’s near decade in office saying he was looking forward to seeing how Labour would use the upcoming budget to deal with the massive hole left by Steven Joyce.

ENDS

National plan Ministry of Reckons

PRESS RELEASE

SIMON J BRIDGES

SUNDAY, 18 MARCH, 2018

New National Party leader and recent NCEA graduate Simon Bridges has today announced when National retain the government benches in 2020 one of the first things they will do is create a Ministry of Reckons. Bridges made the announcement at a press conference held in Takapuna this afternoon.

“For too long,” he told the gathered person from the media, “we have had so many thoughts and ideas expressed by our friends in the National’s media that are ignored by this Labour-led government.”

“Common sense is what we need,” said Bridges, “too often regulations, rules and other things that keep us safe don’t make any sense to those of us who don’t follow them anyway.”

Mr Bridges continued. “Take Mike Hosking, for example. Every morning he sits down for breakfast with the nation and tells them what to think. He is a great mind with amazing reckons. Mike earns a cool million a year and drives around in a late-model European supercar. What better person is there to represent the down-to-earth reckons of the working New Zealander?”

Bridges also pointed out that Hosking’s wife Kate Hawkesby would be good to have on board because there’s nothing better than “wife reckons.”

Bridges’ plan would set up a ministry to draw from the vast range of reckons that are published as clickbait by Stuff and NZME. He said quite often these reckons made absolute sense and fitted very nicely with where he believed the National Party was heading. Reckons would be turned into a range of policies by a huge team of public servants who were being, up until the 2017 election, politically trained to side with the National Party on all issues.

Bridges reckoned the Ministry of Reckons would become something to be reckoned with.

ENDS

An ode to democracy

Not long ago and quite close to home
An election was held to decide a new throne.
With many votes cast and results nearly in
National began with their post-ballot din.
“We are the winners!” they announced with much glee.
“We have the most votes! The most votes are with we!”
They began to speak through their surrogate friends
Who dutifully worked to their masters ends.
“The winner is the one who has the most votes.”
“A coalition of losers can’t even row boats!”
(But this time Joyce made subtle corrections
and had the rowers all jogging in different directions)

But as the dust settled and people were thinking
Some of them said, “Hang on. What have you been thinking?”
The rules of democracy quite clearly state
That the winner must have 50% plus one on their plate.
That explanation did not go down well.
No. That explanation was sent back to hell.
All the surrogates continued to painfully whine
As jelly seemed to replace all their spines.
“The winner is the one who has the most votes”
“A coalition of losers can’t even row boats!”
“We are the winners!” went up the plea.
“We have the most votes! The most votes are with we!!”

Then Winston popped up I’m quite happy to say
To tell all the people which way he would sway.
“The people have spoken,” he said with good cheer,
“And I’m now with Jacinda. It is she, do you hear!”
You should have heard the right wing explode.
They now went in to their full attack mode.
“But we are the winners!” they cried out in pain.
“We have the most votes. It’s our turn again!”

But National were done. It just wasn’t their day
They had no more friends who could come out to play.
Labour and Winston with their friends in the Greens
Were now in control – what a sight to be seen.

Of course, you couldn’t shut up the feverish few
Who kept going on because they were blue.
“But we were the winners!” they continued to plea
“We had the most votes. The most votes were with we!”

But all had stopped listening and turned off their screens
And slid them back into their handbags and jeans.
Despite the Blue brains that had all prolapsed
Things were ok and they hadn’t collapsed.
Everyone decided National had been
The losing-est losers they’d ever seen.

There is no moral majority

With the ink still drying on the deals between the Labour Party and its government partners New Zealand First and the Green Party, many on the losing centre-right side of the political spectrum are crying foul. Here with his views on the election result is our resident right-wing pundit Dr Edward Pharctähd.

This has certainly been a sad month for those who won the election. With 44% of the vote the National Party and David Seymour absolutely have the moral majority to lead the government. Sure they don’t have the actual majority to lead the government, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be doing it, even if they can’t.

The Greens could have signed a deal. I know for a fact that many, many National Party MPs and supporters would have loved to have the Greens sitting next to them. I ask you this: what’s better? A hemp suit and a slightly fragrant herbal waft or a man who wants to move an entire port 200kms away from my yacht club? Yes. I am aware both those parties are now supporting the Labour Party but… um… err…. I can’t remember where I was going with that.

Bill English is a great man and Steven Joyce has supported him fully through the election campaign with sound financial advice about huge holes in the Labour Party budget. Those holes were there alright. I have no reason to disbelieve Joyce. I mean, he was Finance Minister for less that a year and some of all those economists who disagreed with him have only been economists for decades, so what would they know?

I’m sure Bill and the boys and Paula will hammer away at the coalition of the losers over the next three years (if they last that long). I’m certain the stardust will explode in a supernova of dark matter. Then my beloved National Party will storm back to power and restart all those wonderful policies which have seen their wallets and the wallets of many of their supporters over the last decade.

I agree with Hosk. These are not so happy days.