Fury and Fury – Prologue: Election Night

In the lead up to the election late last year, MyThinks was fortunate to be given full, exclusive and unfettered access to the National Party of New Zealand. At the invite of the party we sent in our special correspondent Wolf Michaels to cover the events leading up to, and following on from polling day. After hundreds of hours of interviews with sources deep inside the hierarchy of the party, Michaels’ is about to release a sensational tell-all book titled Fury and Fury. Today we are incredibly privileged to be bringing you an exclusive extract from that book. 

Prologue: Election Night

I walk into the main room of the Sky City convention centre. There is a massive sea of blue and white bunting and an equally massive sea of white faces. Old and older alike are patting each other on the backs, giving their congratulations to everyone around them. Some of the younger white faces are even experimenting with the more American high-5 commemoration of success. Nearby older white faces utilise their enlarged, greying eyebrows to condemn the actions.

There is a definite sense of achievement. Just two months ago the National Party were set to secure an historic fourth term thanks to years of Labour floundering. Unfortunately for the ruling party, Labour leader Andrew Little had fallen on his sword and a young, dynamic and alive new leader Jacinda Ardern had been chosen to replace him. Sources close to the leadership have told me they had considered sending Bill English to a doctor in Thailand to undergo an emergency gender reassignment procedure so they may battle Ardern on a more equal footing. This idea was quickly dispensed with when it was realised English wouldn’t have recovered from the invasive surgery before the end of 2018 and he was a Catholic and probably wouldn’t go for it anyway.

After sitting at nearly 50% support in most polls for the better part of a decade, National have secured 46% on the night. Although not a majority, many in the room are speaking like it is. Comments like, “We’ve won!” and “We are the winners!” and “We totally won this!” and “We won!” belie the fact that a majority of 50% +1 is required to run an effective parliament and until coalition talks have been completed, National has quite a bit less than 50%. I wonder whether I should point this out to the mathematically challenged members around me and I decide against it. Part of me thinks this book would be much easier to write if I didn’t get banished from my fly-on-the-wall position so soon into my research.

Suddenly some conservative applause begins near the doorway. Someone yells, “It’s Bill everybody! He’s here!!” There is a surge towards the doorway as the Prime Minister conveys himself through torrent of blue. Without success he tries to make his way to the stage but his way is blocked by adoring fans and a salivating Mike Hosking. Newshub political editor Patrick Gower seems to be attempting to insert a microphone into English’s nose. Diplomatic Protection step in to clear the way and in no time, and with very little bloodshed, Bill English has made his way to the stage. He is waving to the crowd. They are in raptures.

Bill English steps up to the podium. “Hello everybody!” English yells at the microphone. The room erupts. He thrusts his hands in the air once more. This time he forgets he is holding his wife’s hand and just about dislocates her unsuspecting shoulder. With all the blind praise, he hardly notices. While addressing the crowd the Prime Minister talks about the vote being a vote for the same; a vote for not changing a thing. The country is going in the right direction and most people agree that National are doing a fine job. He welcomes the chance to talk with Winston Peters about forming a government at some point in the coming days.

Bill English concludes his speech with another skywards thrust of his strong hands and accepts more adoration from the blue and white ocean. He leaves the stage triumphant unable to wipe a massive boyish grin from his face.

Little did he know that by Christmas his career would be all but over.

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The Phone Call

TRANSCRIPT: Phone call between President Donald J. Trump of the United States of America and Prime Minister Bill English of Southland.

Hello. It’s me.I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet.

BILL: Hello… Bill speaking

THE DONALD: Hey buddy. It’s The Donald here. How the hell are you?

BILL: Who?

THE DONALD: The Donald.

BILL: Sorry, who? Who is the Donald?

THE DONALD: Me. I am The Donald.

BILL: Yes. I know. But who is the Donald. Who are you?

THE DONALD (slightly agitated): Oh for chrissakes! I am The Donald. I am The goddam Donald?

BILL (long pause): Um… OK… and what is it that you do Mr. The Donald?

THE DONALD (quickly getting more agitated): I’m the goddam president!!

BILL: The president of what?

THE DONALD (seething with blind fury): The goddam President of the United States of America. You goddam idiot!!

BILL: Oh… that The Donald…

THE DONALD (utterly enraged): Yes I’m that The Donald. How many other Donalds are there?!!?!?

BILL: Duck?

THE DONALD (apoplectic): What?!!!???!?

BILL: Donald Duck… that’s another Donald.

THE DONALD (psychoticly apoplectic): I don’t have to speak to you! I’m the king of the free world and your just a snivelling little shit from the boon docks. Shove it up your ass!!!
*slams phone down*

BILL (smiling): Snivelling indeed you orange racist.

ENDS

New standards announced for politicians

After an exhaustive inquiry following the release of Dirty Politics during the 2014 election campaign, the office of the Speaker has released some new national standards for politicians.

The Right Honourable David Carter, Speaker of the New Zealand Parliament, today released a raft of new standards that he says politicians will have to meet if they wish to stay in parliament. Contained within the release are a list of behaviours politicians will now be measured against. The measurements will be made through a range of tests to be carried out by carefully trained individuals with results then being immediately released to the media so politicians can be ranked on the basis of these arbitrary scores.

A “how to” list for new politicians has been released to the media and as we are a blog and full of many, many hard-hitting newly labelled journalists, we can now print that list for you because, after all, modern journalism is all about the cut and paste.

Behaviours: (to be shown within the first 6 months of commencing the new parliamentary term)

  1. Lying: with the electorate so strongly voting for a coalition led by liars it’s important that any new politician exhibits this behaviour as soon as possible. There are many ways to lie. Take a leaf out of the Prime Minister’s book, for example, and either forget everything that ever happens to you or, as he more often does, start with a slight mis-truth and then either get nearer to or further away from the truth depending on the questions being asked by your media chums.
    • Measurement (metaphorical): extremely flammable trousers, extended proboscises.
  2. Nepotism: with so many jobs in the office of any incoming politicians it’s important to remember the best place to find people to fill these vacancies is within your own family.
    • Measurement (actual): one family member – 5 points; two family members – 15 points; three or more family members – 25 points and a select committee posting.
  3. Conflicts of Interest: as many politicians come to parliament having engaged in a vast range of business activities. It’s important for new politicians to protect and even enhance their interests whilst in parliament (who knows when you might be voted out – particularly if you’re a list MP or used to be in the Shipley government). If, for example, you have vast interests in an irrigation company, it is considered extremely wise to ingratiate yourself with the Minister for Primary Industries. Better yet, become the Minister for Primary Industries. The closer you can be to the decision-making process, the more likely you are to have a positive influence on decisions being made that could impact upon your business and the un-taxed income of your family.
    • Measurement (metaphorical): fingers in pies.
  4. Bullying: having set the standard for all politicians over the last term, National Party leadership team John Key and Steven Joyce have made names for themselves through their ability to sidestep a range of thorny issues by calling the person disagreeing with them an idiot, a fruit loop, loopy, a dork, an egg, and egg-burger, a nerd, a dufus, a dingus, a knob, a muppet, a halfwit, a nincompoop, an imbecile, a simpleton, a clod, or a dullard. Or a moron. If you can call someone enough names enough times during a debate in parliament, or during a press conference following the release of a damning report of some kind, it is believed that you will be praised throughout the right-wing blogosphere. Get them on side and you will either become hugely successful for a short number of years because of a terminatory nick-name or be ruined. Or both.
    • Measurement (actual): how many times you can use the phrase, “Shut up, you dick” during a parliamentary debate.

The new national standards for politicians will be in place across the course of the current parliament.

A pre-election statement on behalf of the National Party

Hello and welcome to this statement from Me, John Key, your beloved prime minister.

I never ever see this guy or talk to him. I don’t even know who he is, let alone who is father is, or who Katherine Rich is (not pictured, allegedly {it’s actually quite the fashion to wear a t-shirt to a black-tie event}).

You know, it’s been a torrid couple of weeks on the campaign trail as the Labour Party leaders Kim Dotcom and Nicky Hager have peddled their mischief to New Zealand. I, for one, am not buying in to their left-wing conspiracy that somehow the New Zealand government, under my leadership, has changed the law for Warner Brothers, the FBI and the NSA, leaked SIS documents to bloggers, undermined public servants through the same blogger and broken a vast range of constitutional conventions.

Look, I haven’t read the book, but I can tell you this – it’s all lies. How do I know this? Well, Nicky Hager, working through hacked emails given to him by Kim Dotcom and Hone Harawira, emails that were stolen from someone working in my office who I have nothing to do with, emails that were written by people from the National Party who don’t have any association with the National Party, has taken things completely out of context.

At the end of the day, New Zealanders don’t care whether their government is corrupt or not. They care about the issues that matter. Health, education, the economy and selfies. I’m travelling the country at the moment and people everywhere are saying, “John! John!! Come over here. Can I get a picture??”

Who am I to go against the wishes of New Zealanders? Who am I to say, “No. I’m not going to get a selfie with you because Labour and Kim Dotcom say that I’m a corrupt liar.” What kind of prime minister would I be if I didn’t let people get a selfie with me? Helen Clark?

At the end of the day, we in the National Party believe the best thing to do for New Zealand and New Zealanders is absolutely nothing. That’s why we’re not releasing any policies. Even this week, with the release of our tax cuts policy, we’re not going to include any details. It’s important that New Zealanders don’t get their thoughts cluttered with unnecessary information. Even this week when we announce our policy on tax cuts we are not including any information about our policy on tax cuts. It’s that important to us that New Zealanders don’t have their minds confused by specific numbers or policy detail.

New Zealanders need to realise that if they are voting for Labour they are voting for the insane 6-headed monster of the Greens and ManaInternet. Which tail will be wagging that dog? New Zealanders need to vote for the strong, stable government and that’s what National and our partners ACT, UnitedFuture, the Maori Party, the Conservatives and New Zealand First can offer.

Thank you for listening.

More thoughts on dirty National

It’s a sad day when you read two polls that have a the ruling National Party sitting at around 50% – a party who, despite their ferment denials, have been engaging in a vast conspiratorial manipulation of the media through bloggers funded by PR people linked to tobacco and food multinationals.

Last week I raised a number of questions with regard to John Key’s involvement in the conspiracy. These questions are legitimate and remain unanswered as National have adopted the Bart Simpson defence – they deny they’ve ever done anything wrong and, ultimately, everyone is doing it and it’s actually someone else doing what we’ve been accused of anyway.

Having spent the last six years blaming Labour for the global financial crisis and prepping the electorate for the (so-called) massive 7-headed monster that is a Labour-led coalition by saying the Greens will spend money like “drunken sailors,” has National’s relentless ultra-negative politicking spooked the electorate?

Do New Zealanders really believe John Key to be that outstanding, to be so utterly wonderful they are prepared to let he and his government of miscreants rule them with smugness and easy-going lies for the next three years?

Do New Zealanders really want Key and his minions to continue to slowly strangulated the country with their failed neoliberal dogma?

Do New Zealanders really believe that what Labour and the Greens have to offer will be so truly disastrous for the country that 50% of them are willing to give their party vote to National who have, so far this campaign, proven to be utterly despotic liars willing to hold on to power at any cost despite the multitude of constitutional conventions being breached to do so?

Do New Zealanders really believe that John Key is a better human being, more morally robust, more ethically upstanding than David Cunliffe, Metiria Turei and Dr Russell Norman? So much so that 50% of them are willing to give National their party vote?

I don’t believe for a second that New Zealanders want a dirty politicking peddler of mis-truths to be their prime minister. So something must be up. Something dirty. Very dirty. It must be stopped.

If you really loathe the current junta you must absolutely vote – even if you have never voted before. Don’t just sit there abusing Key and National for being the morally bankrupt rulers they are. Get out there on September the 20th and affect change. Make your vote count. You have to. You must.

Because if you vote to change the government and there is a Royal Commission of Inquiry into the corrupt practices of the last six years, then the National Party will be incredibly lucky to survive such scrutiny.

And they will only have John Key to blame for that.