Amy Adams: “Labour are completely wrong about everything in the whole world”

With the release of the budget this week, numbers have been on the front of everybody’s lips. MyThinks hooked up with new opposition finance spokesperson and Canterbury irrigation millionaire Amy Adams to find out her thoughts. 

MT: Hello Amy and thanks very much for being with us today.

AA: Thank you for having me.

MT: So… National have been highly critical of the budget this week.

AA: Yes… yes we have Mr. Thinks. We have been very critical.

MT: For all our readers/listeners/viewers, could you just outline your main critiques of this Labour budget.

AA: I certainly can. Labour are completely wrong about everything in the whole world. During the election campaign last year, Labour made all sorts of promises. They are now not delivering on those promises. There’s plenty of things they aren’t doing.

MT: Like what?

AA: They said they would give every New Zealander $1 million. I don’t see that happening anywhere in the budget.

MT: When did they say that?

AA: They may not have said exactly that, but their sentiment is the same. They want to give New Zealanders cash. Cold, hard, sexy cash. This budget is not giving New Zealanders the cash they were promised.

MT: I see. What other problems can you see with the Labour budget?

AA: Well… Labour said they would fix all the problems with housing, education, health and poverty. Are they going to do that? No.

MT: But haven’t Labour made provisions for billions more for capital expenditure on hospitals and schools?

AA: Yes, but…

MT: …and their plans include the building of new state houses?

AA: Yes, but…

MT: …and their families package was targeted at lower-income earners…

AA: Yes… but…

MT: …which was paid for by cancelling tax cuts your party was offering to everybody – even rich people like you who don’t need it.

AA: …um… but… but I like tax cuts.

MT: Yes… I’m sure a lot of people do.

AA: Especially me.

MT: So… I’m not sure what National have a problem with. Do you believe Labour aren’t spending enough, or are they spending too much.

AA: Yes.

MT: Yes?

AA: Yes. Both. They are spending way too much and not enough at all.

MT: OK then, what would National do?

AA: Oh… that’s easy. We would reinstate those cut taxes we’ve been talking about. We’d give them to most people and probably offset that by putting up GST because that’s targeted at people who aren’t me. We would also stop spending money on frivolous expenditure such as knee surgeries, prescriptions and poor people. And, of course, increase subsidies for irrigation because, you know, that’s good for me too.

MT: So you would be spending money on making yourself richer?

AA: Oh good lord no. There’s a whole bunch of other National members of parliament who’d also get a lot richer from our policies.

MT: Well… good thing you’re not in government then.

AA: What?!??! No!! It’s not a good thing. I don’t know what I’m doing!!

MT: That’s about it from us. Thanks for joining us today Ms. Adams.

AA: I’m not sure I come out of this looking very good. Can I see the final edit?

MT: No. You made your bed…

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The National Party’s official response to Grant Robertson’s first budget

Dear New Zealand,

The National Party are outraged and appalled at the budget announced by Grant Robertson. Labour’s first budget since we won the election is going to gut the country, kill children and livestock, and dismantle the very fabric of the universe.

Firstly, this is a classic tax and spend Labour budget. They have increased all sorts of taxes, which National never did (ever!!!), and they are going to spend the money raised on all of their election bribes. They’re throwing money at health, housing and education and, would you believe it, foreign affairs and trade. Who needs all those diplomats? Murray McCully never did. All he every wanted was a desert-based sheep farm and some moustache wax (although the latter demand fell away towards the end of his career).

As well as their tax and spend budget, this current Labour government is really struggling to cover their massive election promises. They’ve made all these promises for health, education and housing and they just aren’t spending the money to make one jot of difference to any New Zealander. This is just not good enough.

Finally, Labour are promising a huge $3 billion plus surplus. This is just ridiculous. What type of government doesn’t spend all the money it makes on the people it governs? What a bunch of Scrooge McSocialists. The National Party would never have made $3 billion or any other number of billions in surp… never mind.

In conclusion, Labour are spending too much, they’re not spending enough, and their surplus is too big and should be bigger.

Your loving leaders,

The National Party.

Paula Bennett: As a minister, I never had time

Greetings and what up to my homies. Cool National Party deputy leader Paula Bennett here. I’ve been asked by MyThinks to explain a few things about what it’s like to be a government minister.

I noticed this week that the Prime Minister released a Spotify playlist. I was quick to tweet out about that. It was important for me to point out, in the passive-aggressive way I love so well, that any minister worth their salt wouldn’t have the 10 minutes needed to create a 14-song playlist. Certainly, when I was minister I was much too busy doing my job to create a 1-song playlist, let alone one with so many other songs in it.

When I was a minister I had so little time. I had no time to make a music playlist. I had no time to do anything for fun. I had absolutely no time at all to deal with anything associated with any of my portfolios in Police, Tourism, Climate Change or Women. I was way too busy.

I was working too hard as a National Party minister leaking personal information of a range of private citizens who I believed slighted the government. Releasing benefit details of private citizens, cracking down on the head of Te Puia Marae because he was doing a better job than me, and I don’t know how Winston Peter’s superannuation details got out into the public eye… or do I???

No, I was incredibly time poor. All of those black ops activities (and the ones you don’t know about) took up so very much of my time, I definitely had hardly any time to do any other things – ESPECIALLY CREATE A 14-SONG PLAYLIST ON SPOTIFY.

Of course, now I’m deputy leader of the opposition I have plenty of time to tweet about how little time I had when I was a minister. So I suppose that’s something.

Until next time, chillax brothers and sisters.

Love PB xx

How to be an effective opposition

MEMORANDUM TO PARTY FAITHFUL

“How to be an effective opposition.”

Hello everyone. Since we won the election last year the Labour government have been doing everything it can to undertake all manner of reviews, policy summits, and spending programmes. With every announcement Labour makes, the previous National government is looking more and more like a dirty pond of political stagnation. We do not look good, people.

The vexed question is this: how can we moan and complain about everything Labour is doing without looking like we are in favour of doing nothing (which we are) and we are just a bunch of moany mcmoanersons?

Thankfully head office here in Wellington have been working on a plan.

Firstly, if Labour are planning to spend money on something that National didn’t, and they blame us for the issues they are needing to pay for, we just need to say that they’ve over-promised. Spending money to fix problems is such a Labour thing to do.

Secondly, with the budget coming up, Grant Robertson will be using the phrase “fiscal responsibility” a lot. We need to counter this by saying Labour aren’t spending enough money. It’s a win win for us because if they don’t spend the money we can say they ate being Scrooges and if they end up spending more money we can say how irresponsibly they are spending taxpayer’s money. Maybe we could get the Taxpayer’s Union to release one of those pithy press statements they do so well.

Thirdly, if Labour announce something major in housing, transport, health or education, we need to say that we came up with the idea first – even if we didn’t, or would never dream of undertaking any such policy.

With all these strategies in place we here at National HQ are confident the stardust will rain down upon us in 2020.

An apology about recent Mike Hosking post

Last night MyThinks posted a short satirical piece where we suggested that broadcaster Mike Hosking was, in some way, not special.

We suggested that because he just sits there and talks into a microphone that somehow he wasn’t deserving of the millions of dollars he has been paid to talk about stuff.

We at MyThinks have been contacted by lawyers representing Mr Hosking’s car dealer urging us to cease and desist. They have reported being concerned that if the public started to ask questions of Hosking’s vastly inflated pay, he might be jettisoned for someone younger and more relevant. Therefore he would no longer be able to head down the supercar showroom and pay cash for one of their European penis extensions.

We apologise for suggesting that Mr Hosking was anything other than what he is.

If this gets us out of any legal issues, then congratulations to us.