Simon Bridges: It’s not fair!

PRESS RELEASE: SIMON J BRIDGES

DATE: 23 APRIL, 2018

BEGINS

It’s not fair. It’s just not fair!! I’m voted leader and it’s just not fair!!!

I mean, take the last week for example. Parliament is away for a bit and I do my darnedest to get my profile up nationally by heading out there into the regions and heading to a factory and putting on a silly hat and shaking hands with people. That’s gold! GOLD!!!!

And does that get any coverage in the media? No. Of course it doesn’t. And why not?

Jacinda Adern.

Man… just like the dinosaurs were wiped out by something from the heavens, her stardust is threatening a mass extinction of me – The National Party leader!

While I’m there visiting a factory and shaking hands in front of tens of people, she’s off meeting with Macron and  Merkle, speaking with Sadiq, talking with Trudeau, and curtseying for the Queen. No offence to those wonderful people in Hawkes Bay but WHERE’S MY BLOODY AUDIENCE WITH THE QUEEN?

I believe in the Queen. Why do you think I voted for John Key’s knighthood.

Look, media, I’m not asking for much. Just could you possibly just feature me on the news doing something positive for once? At the moment it just looks like I’m moaning about the stuff Jacinda is doing, and since everyone loves her so much, that just makes me look like the Papamoa party pooper.

I’M NOT A POOPER!!!

Next week I’m talking with a rotary club somewhere about $546 they raised for a picnic area in their area. I’m also talking to some kids because I’m quite a similar age to them. I’ll also be talking to some high-powered lobbyists about a few hundred thousand dollars, but you probably shouldn’t come to that one (I was just mentioning it because meetings with high-powered people make me look important).

Yeah, so, anyway, my point is sure Jacinda is meeting all these world leaders and being named in Time Magazine’s top 100 influences and meeting the queen and being fawned over by media outlets from Europe, the UK and the US, BUT I’M ALSO DOING STUFF!

Just saying.

ENDS

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Oil is the good oil

Here at MyThinks, we pride ourselves on retrieving views and opinions from a range of far-right reckoners. After the release this week of zero new offshore oil expliration permits by the Labour-led government, who better to turn to Dr Martin von Bloughhähd. Bloughhähd is the chief researcher of the right-wing think tank The National Party.

For hundreds of thousands of years, Western civilisation has been powered by oil. Black gold. Taranaki teed. Our progress and prosperity as a nation, indeed a globe, of like-minded individuals hinges on our ability to burn this carbonny goodness in our late model European supercars. Not once have I sat in my Ferrari and thought, “you know what this needs? To have its fuel tank ripped out and replaced with a couple of Energizers.”

I can tell you that this is precisely what will happen if Labour and their puppet masters from the Greens get their way.

In New Zealand, the oil industry has worked tirelessly over the years to extract oil from our ground spaces. They have taken that oil and used it to make car and truck fuel. This car and truck fuel has been used to fuel our trucks and cars. Instead of fueling our cars and trucks Labour want to fuel my hate and anger.

A much better strategy to deal with the impending crisis would be to continue exploring and drilling for oil. Once we have exhausted all the supplies of oil we have, only then do we start investigating some of those hippy options like electric cars and rising sea levels.

Why do something today and slowly implement it over time so as not to cause a huge shock? Surely it’s better for us to wait until we’re on the brink of absolute collapse to do anything about anything.

Well, that’s what I reckon.

Joyce defends hole

As National Party chief strategist and latter-day fiscal guru Steven Joyce bows out of parliament, MyThinks thought we would have a final catch up with the famed Minister for Everything. SJ joined us for coffee and an informal catch up at the cafe Astoria in central Wellington.

MT: Thank you so much for joining us today Mr Joyce.

SJ: Yup. No problem at all.

MT: Now, you’ve just left parliament after about a decade. What do you think is your legacy to New Zealand.

SJ: There is a lot I can be proud of in my time in the National Party but I am most proud of creating the defence of “pretty legal.”

MT: Yes. That was a great precedent however, it didn’t really work for the Eminem case.

SJ: No, but everyone’s using it now. I was talking to a lawyer the other day and he was happily using that for his charged with drug offences.

MT: How so?

SJ: Well.. his client wanted the lawyer to claim it was “pretty legal” for him to be smoking some skunky doobs because he had a sore back and he’d heard something about medical cannabis on the news.

MT: Interesting. Now, during the election campaign last year you were roundly criticised by a range of pundits and economists after you falsely claimed there was an $11 billion hole in Labour’s budget.

SJ: No no. It wasn’t false.

MT: Well.. where is this hole then?

SJ: It’s everywhere. It’s all over the Labour / NZ First budget. You can see it.

MT: You can see the hole?

SJ: Take the health system. That’s going to need billions to bring their buildings up to code. There are leaks and fungus and all sorts of greeblies all through all those buildings at Middlemore not to mention the pay claims from the nurses. Then there’s the same issues with buildings in the education sector and pay claims from teachers. And if primary teachers get more money then the parity deals we have going with the other parts of the sector mean pay rises for secondary and early childhood teachers. Then there’s all the other things the government wants to do with public transport in Auckland and all that namby-pamby child poverty stuff. I mean, there’s loads of stuff the government needs to be doing.

MT: But couldn’t you have sorted all those things out when you were in government?

SJ: What?

MT: Well… you’ve just finished a decade in power. Couldn’t you have spent money on all those health and education issues?

SJ: But I… the…

MT: Surely you couldn’t have increased pay for nurses and teachers during your time in power…

SJ: …I think you….

MT: …not had a whole bunch of income tax cuts or policed tax avoidance a bit better? You could have also decided not to increase GST and maybe that extra tax wouldn’t have hit the poor when they were buying food. Then there might not be this $11 billion hole that the coalition government is trying to deal with now.

SJ: But… I… we…

MT: Yes Mr Joyce.

SJ (long pause): …I… surpluses. Yes. Surpluses. National are great because of surpluses.

MT: So tell me… is it better to have a surplus or a hospital building that doesn’t need to be replaced because it’s falling to bits and is full of mould and sewerage after years of under investment?

SJ (another long pause followed by quiet, squeaky voice): um… surpluses?

MT: Surpluses indeed… Thank you for your time today Mr Joyce.

SJ: Thanks… You know, I thought this was meant to be an “informal catch up.” You’re really mean.

MT: By pointing out all the things National didn’t do leaving the current government with billions of capital spending to fill the holes you created.

SJ: Yeah. Mike Hosking never does that.

MT: We’re not Hosking.

SJ: I can tell.

MT: Thanks again for your time.

SJ: Yup. Thanks…. oh… um… there’s a $7 hole in my budget… can you get the coffees?

MT: Oh for fu…

ENDS

National angry at Labour

The National Party have said they are very angry with Labour over their recent decision not to join the UK and other 5-Eyes partners in expelling diplomats in the wake of the poisoning of former Russian operative Sergei Skripal in England earlier this month.

Gerry Brownlee, the National Party spokesperson on Foreign Affairs and Trade, said it was ridiculously naive of Labour to suggest there were Russian spies in the country. He said it was “highly probable” and we should be “sucking up” to our allies in the United States and Britain.

“The National Party has prided itself,” Mr Brownlee said, “over many years and many governments to be far better at sucking up to the US and Britain whenever and wherever they called on us to do so.”

Brownlee was concerned that by not sucking up this time, New Zealand ran the risk of developing an independent foreign affairs and trade policy.

“We would be an international laughing-stock,” said Brownlee, “with countries around the world taking aim at our independence, our integrity and our willingness to think up and develop policy for ourselves. It’s ridiculous.”

Mr Brownlee has said if National were still in power he would have flown first class to the Westminster and Washington to personally sucked up to Theresa May and Trump.

National Party are trying its very bestest

Since we won the election last year, the National Party have been trying its hardest to implement policy. Having been in parliament for nine years, we worked really hard over that time to implement loads of policy, or, in the very least, make many, many policy announcements so it looked like we were working really hard over that time to implement loads of policy.

However, since our election win, our time on the opposition benches has not been as fruitful as we’d like. Sure, we’ve had plenty to say and we’ve traded in our old Southland tractor for a late-model Corolla from Tauranga, but in terms of having any say over policy, or being heard over the thunderous noise of raining stardust, we appear to be coming up short.

It’s almost like nobody cares anymore.

That aside, when we heard the government was scrapping National’s standards and our beloved charter schools, we had to act. It is not good enough that this government has removed the requirement from schools to report to parents how their child is faring against an arbitrary standard made up by a public servant in Wellington. We all know how much parents love hearing year after year that their child is a failure. What better way to prepare a child for the future? They need to be labelled and labelled early.

In light of this nonsense from the government we’ve decided to launch a petition. Our petition is calling for the National Party to be given much more coverage in the media when we are talking about anything. Since our huge election win last year the National Party have not received the sort of media coverage we should have been receiving. We have the most MPs. We won the election. We should be getting the most media coverage.

It really is very simple.

Please sign our petition so that our voices may be heard.