In celebration of: Mr David Seymour

Today is the goodest of Fridays. What better way to celebrate a day off work when everything is closed to honour one of the greatest minds ever to nestle his parliamentary buttocks one of those gigantic green seats in the debating chamber.

Ladies and gentlement I give you… Mr David Seymour.

ACT leader and perenial tween David Seymour first came to national prominance as an understudy to well known racist John Banks. He made instant waves with this video:

Excellent. These were great days in the emergence of a young, worm-like Seymour from the festering cocoon of an aging National Party.

As the years went on, and with the Epsom electorate continuing to elect him ahead of famed historian Dr Paul “Goldie” Goldsmith, Seymour went from strength to strength. From announcing the National Party’s charter school policy on his first morning in parliament to championing doyens of modern society such as the tobacco industry and petrolium exploration consultants.

Yesterday, however, it was quickly realised we had reached Peak Seymour when the young tweenager released the following tweet:

Seymour makes a fantastic point. What about all the job losses that have occured from all the people who haven’t been hired by anyone yet? If the minimum wage keeps rising, as is likely under the current regime, many thousands of jobs that are yet to exist will be lost. It’s a real shame employers are forced to pay workers anything at all.

Where does Seymour go from here though? What is next for this plucky little 14 year old? Will he continue to champion the wonderful world of carbon-based ground exploration? Will he continue to fight for the right of law-abiding gun owners to assassinate innocent baby animals with a range semi-automatic weaponry? Will he ever graduate high school and go to university?

So many questions for one so young.

We at MyThinks wish you well this Mr Seymour. Happy long weekend young chap. Enjoy.

But what about the poor, poor property investors????

Good morning and/or afternoon. 

We here at My Thinks pride ourselves on our regular contributions to the prevailing zeitgeist. Today’s post is no exception. We will be taking a deep dive into the recent changes to investment property rules that have seen all property investors become instantly destitute. Our deep dive will consist of over 410 words, so, in retrospect, the previous sentence appears to be somewhat of a misnomer. Let’s call this a dipping of the big toe into the pond scum of analysis.

With the extension of the brightline test to ten years and the removal of the ability of investors to claim interest payments in their tax things are not looking good. I’ve been listening to the commentary from the various investor organisations and opposition politicians and I am very surprised that we even still have a housing market. 

I mean, how on earth is a property investor meant to make money when all they have to fall back in is double digit inflation over the ten year period they have to hang onto a house before flipping it?

I agree with Judith Collins. No-one in their right mind would invest in property now because the income they earn from a capital gain is now being fully taxed. I would be very surprised if Amy Adams doesn’t instantly sell her three houses – if the trust that owns them for tax purposes allows it. Maybe she will be joined by Andrew Bailey dumping his three houses (admittedly he only owns a share of the Coromandel property), or Gerry Brownlee getting rid of his five properties. Either way, if I owned so much property, as does the National Party, I would be really worried about paying so much tax. Luckily trusts come into play. 

Mind you, Labour really have shot themselves in the foot here. If I was an MP with loads of property, the last thing I’d be doing is changing the law so I had to pay more tax. Unless they want to pay more tax because it’s the right thing to do? It doesn’t really make much sense. 

Either way, if you personally own more houses than the entire 18-30 year old age group of New Zealand, then hopefully you can make money out of all your other investments. Or your superannuation fund. Or your commercial property investments. Or your many business interests. 

It really is a sad, sad day for property investors. 

David Seymour speaks about stuff

Hello there everybody. I’ve been asked by Mr Thinks to come on his blog today and speak my mind about stuff.

The government has a lot to answer for. I was sitting there last week as Auckland came out of it’s latest lockdown and I knew the government was making a serious mistake. They didn’t know all of the facts. They didn’t know where all of the cases were coming from. They didn’t know mucht. And there they were. Removing restrictions on movement before they knew, really, what was going on. It was a complete shambles. A complete and utter shambles. They should have stayed in lockdown for longer until they were absolutely certain about the sources of the cases, where the chain of transmission was happening, and where it might be going next.

And another thing… what… the alert levels have risen again? Auckland’s gone to level 3? But I’m halfway through a rant. How am I meant to… I’ve just said…. so I should contradict…. but won’t that make me look… alright then.

Hello again. The latest move in alert levels makes a nonsense of the whole system. The government is moving way too early into lockdown. It doesn’t know all of the facts. Why should Aucklanders face some ridiculous decisions being made way down in Wellington? Businesses will suffer. People will suffer. I will suffer. From a lack of media coverage.

This lockdown is just another example of how the government can’t make up its mind. They need to make a call and stick with it. Not swap and change to different ways of thinking at the drop of a hat.

They shouldn’t have come out of lockdown and they shouldn’t be going back into lockdown.

One on One: Collins goes for it

This week the National leader Judith Collins began one on one meetings with the carcass of the caucus. What will these meetings be like? MyThinks doesn’t really know. We can only speculate. Which is what we are going to do right now. What follows is some possible scenarios of what might happen in Collins’ office during these meetings. 

Paul Goldsmith

Paul walks in for the inevitable “It’s all your fault speech” from Collins. After half an hour of passive aggressive non-shouting abuse and general bullying a tearful Goldsmith asks to be excused. Collins says, “Yeah… why not. You can leave. I’m sure you’ll be able to escape through one of your holes!”

Gerry Brownlee

Brownlee walks in eating a custard-infused cronut. Rather than using her usual subtle raised eyebrows and withering put-downs, she just begins yelling. The former member for Ilam squeezes into a chair. The rant ends with Collins accusing Brownlee of ‘phoning in’ his management of the election. Brownlee doesn’t reply. Instead he licks the custard off his fingers and flips Collins off. Collins tells him to get out but Brownlee remains defiantly in the chair while texting his personal baker to deliver another cronut.

Nick Smith

Along with Brownlee (and many others no longer in parliament), Smith has become the leader of what some in the National caucus are calling the ‘leckshun losers’. His debrief from Collins lasts two and a half minutes. Nothing is said during the exchange until the very end when Smith offers to get Collins some Pic’s Peanut Butter from the Nelson markets because, “he knows a guy.”

Chris Bishop

Bishop knows his reckoning has come. He enters Collins’ office ready to face her complete wrath over his role in the spill that installed Todd Muller as leader. His terror immediately dissipates as he enters the room when Collins gives him a huge bear hug and a, some would say, kiss that is a bit too familiar. “Thank you, thank you, thank you,” she says to him. “Without your underhandedness, your sly delving into the depths of the National Party sewers, I wouldn’t be leader right now. You are the reason for my being. I will love you forever and always.” Concerned for his safety and fidelity, Bishop hurriedly leaves while Collins yells after him, “forever and always!”

Paul Goldsmith

As Bishop sprints down the hallway, Paul heads back in. Collins just stares at him for what seems like several minutes. The longer the stare continues, the more insignificant Paul feels. He wonders whether now is the right time. It is. “Please m’lady,” he says as he kisses the ground at his leader’s feet, “I was wondering if I might have a plumb job, like foreign affairs or sports, you know, for all my spin during the campaign about the hole not being a hole?” Collins, undoubtedly enamoured with Paul’s new-found grovelling, acquesses. Although no decisions are final she promises to keep him in mind for one of those. Paul crawls out of the office and down the hallway back to his cupboard.

Dr Shane

“Dr Shane. Dr Shane! Dr Shane!!!” yells Collins as Dr Shane walks into his office. “Who would have thought having someone who could explain things in plain language to members of the public would have worked so well during an election campaign.” Collins goes on to tell Dr Shane that she needs him as a spokesperson for everything because whenever she talks in the media she says something ridiculous or the focus groups think she is trying to sell them  places in hell. Concerned, Dr Shane tells Collins he thinks she is a bit of a loser and he hops he falls at the last hurdle when special votes are counted so he can go back to his nice life as a community doctor rather than having to doctor the lies and incompetence of a failing political machine. “Sure Dr Shane,” says Collins, “whatever you think is best.”

Paula Bennett

Paula walks in the room laughing. She stands there laughing for several minutes. Collins tries to say something but she can’t get a word in over all the laughing. Hearing the laughing from the corridor, Brownlee pops his head around the door. Seeing Paula laughing, he joins in. Both stand laughing for several more minutes until Paula leads the way out by flipping Collins off. Brownlee joins her and they both wander back down the hallway. Laughing.

Chris Bishop

Bishop walks back in. He’s dressed in a flowing silk robe and smoking an oversized pipe. “Good evening, Matron,” he says as he lets the robe drop to the floor, “I believe I am ready…” Nothing is heard from the leader’s office for ever and always.*

* The implication that anything untoward as happened or will happen during these meetings between Judith Collins and her subordinates is entirely speculation. Anything that resembles the truth is purely coincidental. 

Analysis of an Election – Aaaarghghgh! What happened????

With a week or so gone since the catastrophic election result for the National Party of Aotearoa New Zealand, MyThinks have set the team to work to come up with their hot takes on what has caused the previous all powerful party of government to collapse under the weight of a million leaks. We have secured a number of off- and on-the-record comments from party insiders as they lament over National’s biggest loss since John Key left parliament and they had no idea what to do next. 

The hardest bit was putting up all our billboard, then having to take them down again and put up a whole lot of new billboards. That took, like, forever. I’m a very busy man. I don’t have forever.

Nick Smith, (former) Nelson MP

Nick Smith gets drilled in the face by a local National Party volunteer while he goes to smack (former) leader Todd Muller in the head with a hammer. Classic Nick.

I knew it was the writing on the wall when I saw some writing on the wall. I walked into the office one morning and somebody had rubbed off all the plans on the whiteboard and just written up, “Gerry is a bit of a dick.” It was very hurtful.

Unnamed party source

 

I blame the Labour Party. If that leader of theirs, whassername, Jacinta wasn’t so gloriously beautiful and such a fantastic communicator with a solid plan and sound understanding of what the country needs in this time of crisis, then I don’t think Labour would have done nearly as well as they did. I know I wouldn’t have voted for her.

Sir Donald McDairmad – Life Member, Remuera Tractor Society

 

We stood on a platform of being a strong team who would be guardians of the economy. We shouldn’t have done that. We should have gone completely left field. I did have an idea that I tested out on the office wall in Nelson. It was poo-pooed by the party hierarchy. My instincts were later proven correct when that home-made billboard created more online buzz than anything the party did during the entire campaign.

Nick Smith, (former) Nelson MP

Nick Smith’s secret billboard

I was certain we’d win when our polling said we’d win. Then it didn’t. So we lost.

David Farrar, Curia International

The National Party multi-media strategy of delivering their leaflets straight into the recycling bins of wavering centerist voters may not have been the best of ideas.