Hello. Judith Collins speaking. As you know I speak from the heart and I’m not afraid to say what I think people want to hear in order to become leader of the National Party.
This week I have been in the news over comments I made at the annual Police Association conference. I was taken completely out of context and I just wanted to set the record straight.
I was up there, looking stunning in a blue ensemble by Les Agriculteurs, and someone asked me a question about decreasing rates of child poverty and inequality. I was quoted as saying poverty was down to bad parenting and this is simply not true.
What I said was that the poor were poor and they were poor because they made bad decisions. Take me for example. I didn’t want to be poor so I became a lawyer and then a politician and, thanks to kickbacks, very favourable speculative real estate conditions and marrying an exceedingly rich chap, I have landed on my feet.
The poor are completely free to this too.
If you are poor why not become a lawyer or a farmer or a doctor or something, rather than drive that rubbish truck or mooch on the dole? Then perhaps you could be an example to your children and they won’t turn into gang members or P dealers or whatever the criminal poor do these days.
I’m a lovely person. It’s a shame that people think I believe poor people are bad parents.
The poor are not bad parents. They are just bad people.
Judith Collins, Leader-in-waiting, National Party.
It is with great joy and an eye to my future job as National Party leader that I, Baroness Judith Collins, announce confidently and loudly that the New Zealand police will start investigating every single burglary committed in the country.
I am happy to announce that police numbers will rise to deal with the increased workload.
People have reported their concern that this increase in police numbers will lead to the money being stripped out of other areas of the police budget. I can categorically state here and now that this is definitely not happening.
No. We will be stripping the education and health budgets and selling state houses by the hundreds to fun my succession plan.
What does this mean for the average kiwi New Zealander?
With so many hundreds and hundreds of police investigating the many thousands of burglaries committed every year it is with great joy and hope that I predict your iPad and the car stereo that went missing two years ago will turn up safe and well in no time at all.
No more scouring TradeMe for months after a burglary to try to find your laptop. Just call the police and I reckon they’ll turn up, dust a bit of that icing sugar stuff on the broken window and your laptop will turn up quicker than you can say, “party vote National, electorate vote Collins.”
This is, indeed, a great day for the police, a great day for victims of crime and a great day for the Crusher.
Greetings and salutations my beautiful subjects.
Some people have been asking questions of me in parliament recently. How dare they. Do they not realise who I am?
I am the Police Minister. The Minister of Police. I am the National Party minister in charge of telling the police what to do. For goodness sake. Who does that uppity little pipsqueak from Labour think he is?
As I said in parliament, if the police are going to crack down on those people breaking the law by travelling in their car at a higher speed than legislation allows, then they are going to be spending all their driving time looking at their speedometers and none of their time looking at the road.
This is just dangerous.
Drivers should be looking at the road when they’re driving. That’s just common sense. The police shouldn’t be ticketing people if they are going 3 or 4 or 5 kilometres over the speed limit. They should be working on other things like crushing cars.
It’s important to point out that my comments about people speeding has absolutely nothing to do with the recent stories about ministerial cars regularly cracking the 100kph+ zone. These two stories are completely unrelated.
Thank you all, my darlings. See you next time.
There are so many things right about this beautiful country. We have a great standard of living; we have some of the best weather in the world; our prime minister is still a winner. What a great place to be.
However, it saddens me that there are people out there who don’t like those things. Those people are gang people.
They’re always out there ganging together, sometimes in family groups, to make trouble. Exercising their democratic right to freedom of association while they talk with each other and dress in similar clothes. This. Must. Stop.
I, Crusher Collins, will put a stop this.
I have a great idea. What if we got rid of gangs? What if we said to the gang members, “you’re not allowed to be in a gang. If your family is in a gang, then you can’t be in your family any longer.” Wouldn’t this be great? What if, instead of patched gang members walking around in the public, we just had the police roaming the streets? Now how safe does that sound?
It’s important to remember that gang members might have street smarts but they don’t have lawyer smarts. You know, like me. I’m talking a tough game down here in Wellington. Little do they know this is more about me sounding like a sexy cougar getting tough on crims than actually getting tough on crims. I don’t have to do anything though. No. I just need to pop up every so often and crack the whip. Who knows, next time I might ban golf. Stupid game played by stupid old men wearing stupid trousers. But that fight against that gang is for another time.
Of course, people like sexy cougars getting tough on crime. It makes them look tough. It makes them look like a leader. A new and fresh leader. I have every confidence in John Key but if someone wanted to make me leader then… what’s a girl to do…?
Goodbye gangs, hello Jude.
Hello there my darlings. Judith here.
There’s been a lot of chatter in recent days and weeks regarding my ambitions to becoming the leader of a certain party of the blue persuasion.
I laugh at these suggestions. Everybody knows that John Key has my full backing as leader. I support him absolutely – one hundred percent. I stand behind him not with a sharpened knife but colourful feather duster because we jest and joke with each other all the time.
But I digress. He’s toast. And not just ordinary toast. No he’s the toast that you put down for a second time because it’s not quite done and then you forget about it because you’re making coffee and the next thing you know the smoke alarm is going off and your dog and children are howling in the hallway.
So… I have my ceremonial letter opener at the ready. I have the support of one-third of caucus. I suspect I will get the support of another third because they are so shit scared of doing any thinking on their own.
You know, they don’t call me Crusher because of my car crushing legislation. Oh no. Just think a thigh-master exercise but take away the thigh-master machine and insert a political editor.
Don’t leave the country any time soon Johnny. Unless you want to come back as tomorrow’s fish & chip wrapping.