Judith Collins rips into Labour over housing

Housing Spokesperson for the election-winning National Party, Judith Collins, has today ripped into the Labour coalition over its plans to create a new Ministry for Housing and Urban Development.

Collins, who appeared unafraid to mix even the most unrelated of metaphors, said Labour’s plan was window dressing on a pig that was shuffling deck chairs on the Titanic.

“It really is a pointless exercise,” said Ms Collins from her new, and very much smaller, opposition office, “and that little sweetie Phil Tryford will try anything, that’s why I call him, quite wittily I think you’ll agree, Phil Tryford. Geddit?”

Ms Collins said the Labour Party needed to take a leaf out of the previous National Government’s book.

“Labour are trying all these things like Kiwibuild, doing deals with Unitec, and now this new Housing Ministry,” said Ms Collins, “and they really should be looking at what National did while they were in power. Nothing. We had nine years in government and we did absolutely nothing to deal with the housing crisis. Sure, I can call it a crisis now, but back then it was a ‘challenge’ or an ‘issue’ or a ‘slight quandary.’ I suppose we did end up offering homeless people a stay in a nice motel, but that was only because there were lots of working people living in their cars talking on the news about how hard their lives were and that was making us look bad.

“Labour is doing far too much for housing,” said Ms Collins, “you’d think they were trying to solve the problem or something.”

The Labour Party and Phil Twyford were unavailable for comment because they were out doing things to solve the housing crisis.

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Fury and Fury 4: The Run-off

In our final extract from the scintillating new book Fury and Fury from author Wolf Michaels, we look at the fight to replace former Prime Minister Bill English. It seems our author had spent some time in the Collins camp during her campaign. 

The day dawns slowly in southern Auckland. I’ve spent last night at the home of former lawyer Judith Collins. We are sitting with her husband enjoying a breakfast of six different kinds of meat accompanied with a tall glass of ice-cold Orivida milk. An icy silence hangs over the breakfast table. Collins is perusing her beloved WhaleOil blog on an unspecified tablet device while her husband and I look at each other suspiciously. It’s obvious he wonders why I’m there and I have to say I’m also having the same wonderings.

We were back in Wellington last evening. I was enjoying some drinks with the far right neo-fascist wing of the National Party. They don’t enjoy using that moniker in public but the pictures of Stalin and Mussolini upon the wall suggest they definitely enjoy using it. Bill English has just announced his resignation as National Party leader and the committee are meeting to discuss their plans. Judith is leading the discussion with the three other MPs who are there.

I’ve followed New Zealand politics for over two decades and I have absolutely no idea who these people are. I have never seen them in parliament, either in the chamber or walking around the building. None of the three have made any media appearances. I think back to the campaign last year and despite the amount of brain racking going on I am just not able to place them. Are they from the South Island or from further north? I suppose that is probably the price a party pays for getting nearly 45% of the vote. The lower ranks of your party list is peppered with all manner of unctuous committee members from around the country. Last year they were deciding on whether or not to spend $650 on repainting the downpipes of a local hall; now they are about to decide on a possible future Prime Minister.

Collins calls the meeting to order and tells the others present she is running and they will be voting for her. Her three new friends all agree with short nods of their heads. No words are returned. Although these are fresh, new members of parliament have not been around the scene very long, they are completely aware of the need not to say the wrong thing around Judith Collins. Crusher is well-known the world over for her passive aggressive responses to any questions.

Back at the breakfast table in Papakura, Ms Collins retrieves her phone and announces to the room, “It’s time.”

Both her husband and I look at each other wondering what it is time for and whether or not we should know anything else at this point.

Collins begins mumbles away to herself while she taps away on her phone before saying, “send,” and tapping the send button with a small flourish. Several short minutes later the phone starts ringing. She answers it and with a gentle voice of sugar syrup confirms whatever questions she is being answered. The phone call ends and Collins puts the phone down on the table and recommences her breakfast. Again her husband and I look at each other. Both of us have a what has just happened look on our faces. However, we’ve been around long enough to know the easiest way to face the wrath of Crusher is to ask her a question about anything involving her life.

Luckily, thanks to the caller being a member of the media, I was able to read a report that Collins was standing for the leadership of the National Party.

****

Fast forward two weeks and all three of us are enjoying another meat breakfast in the Papakura conservatory. What started with a distinct possibility of someone becoming the next Prime Minister has ended in abject failure. Last Tuesday the National Party held their secret ballot and the only result we know for certain is that Simon Bridges is now the party leader. Who received what level of support in the preferential vote remains unknown. My sources within the party have remained silent but the fury with which Collins has fumed in recent days suggest she definitely didn’t do well.

I look at her husband and subtly raise an eyebrow. He, equally as subtly, shakes his head. We are in agreement that mentioning anything about any subject at all during this breakfast would not only be a bad idea but would also endanger our lives. Ms Collins finishes her breakfast.

“I’ve had enough of your nonsense,” she announces, “I’m off for a nap.”

As she leaves the conservatory and returns to the coffin room, we again exchange subtle gestures communicating clearly to each other that no words will escape our lips until the head of the house is well asleep. Let us hope she is rewarded with some kind of front bench role in the new shadow cabinet, otherwise all future meals at the Collins household will be held in deathly silence.

Deathly Silence. I feel the murmurings of a new book beginning in the depths of my cerebral cortex. Nice.

Collins: The poor poor

Hello. Judith Collins speaking. As you know I speak from the heart and I’m not afraid to say what I think people want to hear in order to become leader of the National Party.

This week I have been in the news over comments I made at the annual Police Association conference. I was taken completely out of context and I just wanted to set the record straight.

I was up there, looking stunning in a blue ensemble by Les Agriculteurs, and someone asked me a question about decreasing rates of child poverty and inequality. I was quoted as saying poverty was down to bad parenting and this is simply not true.

“Guns don’t kill people – I do”

What I said was that the poor were poor and they were poor because they made bad decisions. Take me for example. I didn’t want to be poor so I became a lawyer and then a politician and, thanks to kickbacks, very favourable speculative real estate conditions and marrying an exceedingly rich chap, I have landed on my feet.

The poor are completely free to this too.

If you are poor why not become a lawyer or a farmer or a doctor or something, rather than drive that rubbish truck or mooch on the dole? Then perhaps you could be an example to your children and they won’t turn into gang members or P dealers or whatever the criminal poor do these days.

I’m a lovely person. It’s a shame that people think I believe poor people are bad parents.

The poor are not bad parents. They are just bad people.

Thank you.

Kind regards,

Judith Collins, Leader-in-waiting, National Party.

More police… NOW!!!!!

It is with great joy and an eye to my future job as National Party leader that I, Baroness Judith Collins, announce confidently and loudly that the New Zealand police will start investigating every single burglary committed in the country.

I am happy to announce that police numbers will rise to deal with the increased workload.

People have reported their concern that this increase in police numbers will lead to the money being stripped out of other areas of the police budget. I can categorically state here and now that this is definitely not happening.

No. We will be stripping the education and health budgets and selling state houses by the hundreds to fun my succession plan.

What does this mean for the average kiwi New Zealander?

With so many hundreds and hundreds of police investigating the many thousands of burglaries committed every year it is with great joy and hope that I predict your iPad and the car stereo that went missing two years ago will turn up safe and well in no time at all.

No more scouring TradeMe for months after a burglary to try to find your laptop. Just call the police and I reckon they’ll turn up, dust a bit of that icing sugar stuff on the broken window and your laptop will turn up quicker than you can say, “party vote National, electorate vote Collins.”

This is, indeed, a great day for the police, a great day for victims of crime and a great day for the Crusher.

Crusher out.

I am the Police Minister

Greetings and salutations my beautiful subjects.

Some people have been asking questions of me in parliament recently. How dare they. Do they not realise who I am?

I am the Police Minister. The Minister of Police. I am the National Party minister in charge of telling the police what to do. For goodness sake. Who does that uppity little pipsqueak from Labour think he is?

As I said in parliament, if the police are going to crack down on those people breaking the law by travelling in their car at a higher speed than legislation allows, then they are going to be spending all their driving time looking at their speedometers and none of their time looking at the road.

This is just dangerous.

Drivers should be looking at the road when they’re driving. That’s just common sense. The police shouldn’t be ticketing people if they are going 3 or 4 or 5 kilometres over the speed limit. They should be working on other things like crushing cars.

It’s important to point out that my comments about people speeding has absolutely nothing to do with the recent stories about ministerial cars regularly cracking the 100kph+ zone. These two stories are completely unrelated.

Thank you all, my darlings. See you next time.

J xx