Brash: I want to be able to listen to my racist friends!

As a former leader of two major Wellington organisations and the ACT Party, I have, for years, been championing free speech.

Consider, if you will, a younger old white man, standing up in front of other old white man in a small back room in Orewa – or, as I call it, Ohreewah. This younger old white man talked about two laws for all. One law for the Maoris and another for the rest of us. So many, many of the old white men in that room agreed with me and the National Party immediately went up in the polls. New Zealanders agreed with this young old white man.

So many people called me a racist. They were wrong, but that was their right. It was their right to be wrong.

People are free to stand up and call me a racist just as I am free to stand up and say whatever I want about whomever I want no matter how objectionable or racist it may appear on first, second, or sixty third reading.

When I heard that some good people with similar views to me were planning to come to New Zealand, I was excited. Then Phil Goff had the audacity to ban them from all Auckland Council venues. This, coupled with the fact that I haven’t really been in the media for a number of months, caused me to speak up and say no.

I, and a number of my old white friends, are teaming up to challenge Phil Goff so that my friends and come to New Zealand and tell everyone how terrible people who don’t look like them are.

I would say here that I don’t necessarily agree with anything these two say, although some of it is right up my alley. However objectionably racist, hate-fuelled and derogatory their speech, they are completely within their rights to say it. Just like I am completely within my rights to crowd-fund the legal challenge against the Auckland Council. Or to pop up on Radio New Zealand every so often whenever I feel threatened by the prospects of my old white guy status quo being de-quo’d.

That’s what freedom of speech is all about. Saying things that other people disagree with so you can get on the radio again.

I hope you will join me at the tent we’ve organised for Lauren and Stefan. It’s been a long time since I’ve heard a couple of Nazis in full cry, and she’s a bit of a looker as well, so there’s that too.

Thank you for listening to my speech.

Don Brash – Old, White and Racist since ages ago.

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Ministry of Social Development release list of things no longer considered “income”

Following a recent court ruling saying loans cannot be considered income for beneficiaries by the Ministry of Social Development, the ministry have released a comprehensive list of items they are no longer considering the sort of income deemed necessary to reduce or suspend a benefit.

  • home loans
  • short-term loans
  • credit card debt
  • the tenner your mate lent you that time
  • the shraps you find down the back of the couch
  • hi-fives
  • cuddles
  • a ride on the bus
  • food parcels
  • an interview with staff from the Ministry of Social Development
  • being a member of the Green Party of Aotearoa New Zealand
  • looking at me funny
  • charity
  • laughing at a joke
  • not laughing at a joke
  • having more children
  • sympathy
  • still having a hotmail account
  • smelling a bit
  • ugg boot
  • petrol vouchers
  • you are a bit scary
  • oh… you like John Campbell
  • emergency WINZ grants

Business confidence plummeting like a deadly stone of deadly death

Concern is rising among New Zealand business owners and employers at the falling levels of business confidence highlighted in the recent release of survey data from banks and economists. Many business leaders are reporting significant drop offs in confidence in the first six to eight months of the Labour-led coalition government.

“We all voted National last year,” said one leader, “and when they won the election, we were over the moon. But as it became clear that Winston was going to go with Labour, I certainly felt my confidence levels beginning to wobble.”

A member of the Employers and Manufacturers Federation said there was a definite and significant fall in confidence following the signing of the coalition agreement.

“When it became clear that National had been voted out then my confidence definitely fell,” he said, “I’m never confident with a Labour government. They never give us free stuff like being able to sack people for no reason after 3 months of work.”

When asked whether he thought his drop in confidence had very little to do with any economic conditions, the EMF member said, “Oh… absolutely not. Everybody has stopped investing in anything now that Labour are in charge. We don’t think we’ll be confident again until National and ACT are back in power.”

National leader Simon Bridges, fresh from his Year 13 science field-day said, “this is just typical Labour. When they are in government bringing in surpluses, investing in infrastructure, and lifting wages for everybody, business confidence plummets. When we are in power and racking up the deficits and making sure thousands and thousands of New Zealanders are kicked off benefits because that’s how we roll, then confidence goes through the roof. That proves we are the better economic managers.”

The Labour Party said they weren’t going to comment because it was very unlikely anything they said would have any effect on the confidence of National voters.

Bilbo finally out of Dancing with the Stars

A National Party discussion

National Party caucus. Tuesday.

Simon: What are we going to do?

Amy: What can we do?

Gerry: What are we able to do?

Judith: Could we crush something?

Simon: No! We can’t crush anything. What do you want to crush?

Judith: I don’t know… um… Jacinda?

Amy: Oh my god, Judith. She’s a new mum. What are you going to do? Take down a new mum. You’ll look like an ogre.

Judith (smarmily): I’ll have you know there is no such thing as a lady ogre.

Gerry: Good thing you’re not a lady then! BOOM!!

Amy: Oh my god, Gerry. That’s a woman. You can’t say that about a woman.

Gerry (mumbling under breath): Can’t bloody say any bloody thing these days without bloody offending some bloody one.

Amy: Pardon?

Gerry: Nice work.

Simon: So far nobody has offered any suggestions at all. What can we do? Jacinda’s now the nation’s mother. What can we do?

Gerry: If we can’t hammer away at Jacinda, who could we get? Winston? Twyford? That guy who’s doing the prisons… old… whassisname?

Amy: Yes. We need to get someone.

Simon: Keep going.

Judith: That’s what I said.

Amy: Why don’t we send out some feelers…

Simon: Yes, yes…

Amy: …to the likes of Hooton and Farrar…

Simon: …I’m listening…

Amy: …and get them to find out something about someone… you know… old school styles.

Judith: You know that kind of nonsense is why John Key sacked me before the 2014 election. Bloody Hagar and his unnamed sources.

Amy: Yes… but it’s our only hope.

Simon: Maybe… maybe… but I’ve just had a thought…

All: Go on…

Simon: Well…. we’ve been in government for the better part of the last decade, yeah?

Amy: Yes.

Simon: And… well… pretty much everything that is happening in the economy at the moment is effectively the results of our policies and actions, or inactions, over that decade…

Judith: I’m not sure I like where this is heading…

Simon: …and anything we criticise the government for at this point will just look and sound ridiculous because they’ll say they’re just fixing up our messes. What if we…. check it out… what if we put our heads together and come up with some hard-hitting and visionary policies that will deal with all of those previous problems we created when we were last in government.

Slight pause followed by howls of uncontrollable laughter that goes on for the better part of five minutes. 

Judith: Oh… mercy… that was a good one.

Simon: I know, right!

Gerry: I haven’t laughed that hard in… ages.

Amy: Genius.

Simon: Yes… thank you. So… let’s go with Amy’s plan using Judith’s contacts in the underworld to dig some dirt and have ourselves an old-fashioned whisper campaign. I’ll talk to Hoots about talking on RNZ about some “interesting rumours” he has heard in his circles. Jude… can you get Farrar to write blog post after blog post where he cuts and pastes various articles questioning Labour’s activities before adding the words, indeed, interesting, or these are tough times for the coalition government at the end of each one.

Gerry: What are you going to do?

Simon: Well, Gerry, I’m just going to sit back and bask in the glow of a job well done and prepare to win the next election. This plan is gold!