Deputy Prime Minister Paula Bennett, who totally and absolutely definitely had nothing to do with the Winston Peters superannuation privacy breach, has admitted there are more people homeless in New Zealand now than when the National Party took office.
She says the reasons are a “very positive news story.”
Speaking yesterday to the AM Show hosts and their 78 viewers, Bennett said the quick recovery of the country from the global financial crisis* and the international terror threat meant that many tens of thousands of people were moving to New Zealand.
“Even though there is absolutely no housing crisis,” Bennett said, “there has been slight pressures in the housing market thanks to this inward movement.
“What this means is that, from time to time, as things get moved about and people move in and out of houses and homes and across the regions – particularly if Housing New Zealand has to “test for meth”, there might be the odd bit of correction where some housing is not available for people following their removal from a previous housing options.”
When asked what this meant Bennett said that, “occasionally people might have to live in a car or a plush, government-funded motel while they wait for their next home.”
Ms Bennett said this was the unfortunate price some people had to pay for a very successful and positive National Party tenure.
The Deputy PM also said it was important to remember that even though she owned three houses and many of her National Party colleagues owned multiple dwellings and other property, there was in no way any conflict of interest in the government doing nothing with the housing market so the values of their portfolios could rise dramatically.**
“Owning a house and living in a house is the right of every New Zealander,” she said, “and being able to live in a house or create a home out of something resembling a house is something that most New Zealanders strive for. I’m confident that every New Zealander that wants to live in a house is currently living in a house. Sometimes people like to live in their cars or on the street. It’s fun. It’s like camping, but all the time and we all like camping, don’t we. Camping is just so much fun.”
Ms Bennett then left the studio and headed outside to get into her free ministerial car to attend a free lunch paid for by the New Zealand Business Roundtable Initiative.***
* thanks to the prudent financial management of the economy before the GFC by the Labour Party and Sir Michael Cullen.
** National Party politicians own nearly 200 residential & commercial properties, rental homes, holiday houses, farms and other property.
*** The New Zealand Business Roundtable Initiative is an institution set up in the 1980s which gave rise to the ACT Party of New Zealand which, unlike the NZ Labour Party, enjoys almost zero support amongst the voting public.
At MyThinks we are committed to making the news both paletable and nonsensical. With that in mind, we’ve created a handy timeline of the Winston Peters superannuation thing.
Early 2010: Winston Peters, the NZ First leader and owner of a $2.3 million mansion in Auckland, applies for superannuation.
19 June 2017: Brendan Boyle the head of the Ministry of Social Development, is told about Mr Peters’ superannuation during a routine briefing about a range of other stuff that was none of his business either.
27 July: Boyle is told the matter has been resolved to officials’ satisfaction. He then discussed the case with the State Services Commission to see whether they should continue to flout New Zealand privacy legislation and tell the responsible ministers.
July: MSD sends Mr Peters a letter notifying him of the incorrect superannuation payments that had been overpaid over the previous seven years. Mr Peters corrects the error, believed to be in the tens of thousands of dollars, within a matter of hours.
31 July: Social Development Minister Anne Tolley is verbally informed by MSD’s chief executive about the matter under the “no surprises” policy. Tolley quietly rubs her hands with glee as the MSD boss leaves her office. Unofficially she is quite surprised by the “no surprises” information.
1 August: State Services Minister Paula Bennett is briefed by State Services Commission. Bennett quietly rubs her hands with glee after hanging up the phone with the official at the Commission.
15 August: Mrs Tolley is briefed again by MSD just in case she didn’t understand quality of the private information she had received during the first meeting.
27 August: Mr Peters puts out media release saying he’d paid all the money back and people should keep their noses out of his business.
28 August: MSD and Inland Revenue confirm investigations into Mr Peters’ leaked information.
29 August: Mrs Tolley and Mrs Bennett confirm they were briefed about Mr Peters’ case. Peter Hughes, State Services Commissioner said ministers were briefed but only after officials realised how juicy all the private information was. Prime Minister Bill English says, even though previously National has leaked this kind of information either through their various bloggers or attack westie Paula Bennett, neither Beehive nor the National Party had leaked information.
30 August: Mrs Bennett tells Jack Tame on the TVNZ Breakfast show that, even though she and her party have everything to gain from any scandal surrounding Mr Peters, she did not leak the information because she and her party have nothing to gain from any scandal surrounding Mr Peters.
30 August: National Party word magician David Farrar tries to distract attention from his party’s fumbles by suggesting Winston should have received a declaration form every year. Nobody gave a toss and Peters kept hammering away at National.
31 August: In a desperate attempt to position himself ahead of the expected election day carnage, former darling of the Beehive 9th floor Cameron Slater tells Newshub, “It was someone very close to Paula Bennett who arranged the hit job on Winston Peters.”
MtThinks will update this timeline as more information comes to hand…
The party was over. The turmoil of the last week was beginning to subside and things were slowly returning to some kind of normalcy. Everyone, for example, had stopped laughing at Jonathan Coleman’s leadership bid.
Back in the Beehive after a long weekend watching other people spend money, Prime Minister-elect Bill English was very pleased himself. He was now precisely where he wanted to be – sitting in an office chair with his hands sitting gently on a desk. This was a great day.
Suddenly, and without warning, there was a sensual knock on the door. The jangle of rings and other jewellery could only mean one thing – the wrist controlling the hand knocking on the door to his inner sanctum was a wrist from West Auckland.
Bill turned on his desk fan. He had seen the wind blow the hair of a man in a film once and he had gotten the girl. His power now gave him options. This time it would be he who would get the girl.
As he thought a few moments longer about where this day might be heading, he remembered the chap in the film had sported shoulder length hair. His hair was the classic Gore short back and sides. There was no folicle waterfall careering behind him. He was just sitting at his desk with water streaming from his eyes.
The fan was turned off.
“Enter!” is what he wanted to say in a way that had him sounding like a classically trained Shakespearian actor. Instead he said, “Yes?” in a barely audible rural drawl. She entered anyway.
“Shit Bill,” said Paula, “we did it. We actually did it.”
“Yes,” he replied, not meaning to be frugal with his sexual wordplay, but being so nonetheless.
“You here at the big desk with the big job in your highly capable big hands while I take on the job of your number 2…”
“Yes,” he said again, even more erotically than the first time
“Now,” replied his deputy glorious in her 9th floor radiance, “I’ve got a lot of work to do so I’ll head. Well done boss.”
“Yes,” Bill replied for a third time. The atmosphere in the office had moved from lightly to highly charged. He knew it. He suspected she knew it. He decided not to ask her about it just in case she hadn’t noticed him manning around.
As Ms. Bennett walked out the door, her Impulse body spray lingered for just a little bit longer. He moved over to his stereo and, taking one more deep breath of the perfume, popped in his Luther Van dross CD.
This was heaven and he was in it.
Paula Bennett, the Minister of Social Housing and Sweet Burnouts, today welcomed the news that twelve families have taken up the government offer of $5000 to move out of Auckland.
Ms. Bennett has said it is early days but she says she is “pretty stoked” that just four weeks after the introduction of the policy a massive 0.08% of their target of 150 families had taken up the offer.
“This is great news,” said Ms. Bennett, “and we expect to reach our target by the year 2173.”
Ms. Bennett said she had no figures on the amount of those 12 families who had taken up the other government offer of $3000 to move back to Auckland.
Earlier on today MyThinks published a second apology to National Party cabinet minister Paula Bennett. In that apology we apologised for suggesting certain things about Ms. Bennett that were untrue. A major part of that apology was highlighting how we had offended Ms. Bennett by repeating a great deal of text from the first apology.
With the benefit of hindsight, and a threatening email from Crown Law, MyThinks now realises repeating offending remarks over and over again while linking to them through various hyperlinks contained within the post to other, more libelous posts, could be construed as offensive in itself. Tagging our posts with certain satirical phrases my have also, inadvertently, repeated the implied allegations that Ms. Bennett is flamboyant with the truth.
We here at MyThinks are just a small backyard operation made up of kiwi mums and dads. We aren’t in any position to take on the litigious might of the New Zealand National Party. We get our legal advice from the Citizens Advice Bureau and our groceries are all Home Brand. That’s what being a middle class New Zealander is all about.
Again, we apologise unreservedly to Ms. Bennett. Sorry for implying you have a disregard for the facts by satirising how you misrepresented the events of last week.