Tag Archives: Paula Bennett

Could I have the Bill, please? 

The party was over. The turmoil of the last week was beginning to subside and things were slowly returning to some kind of normalcy. Everyone, for example, had stopped laughing at Jonathan Coleman’s leadership bid.

Back in the Beehive after a long weekend watching other people spend money, Prime Minister-elect Bill English was very pleased himself. He was now precisely where he wanted to be – sitting in an office chair with his hands sitting gently on a desk. This was a great day.

Suddenly, and without warning, there was a sensual knock on the door. The jangle of rings and other jewellery could only mean one thing – the wrist controlling the hand knocking on the door to his inner sanctum was a wrist from West Auckland.

Bill turned on his desk fan. He had seen the wind blow the hair of a man in a film once and he had gotten the girl. His power now gave him options. This time it would be he who would get the girl.

As he thought a few moments longer about where this day might be heading, he remembered the chap in the film had sported shoulder length hair. His hair was the classic Gore short back and sides. There was no folicle waterfall careering behind him. He was just sitting at his desk with water streaming from his eyes. 

The fan was turned off.

“Enter!” is what he wanted to say in a way that had him sounding like a classically trained Shakespearian actor. Instead he said, “Yes?” in a barely audible rural drawl. She entered anyway.

“Shit Bill,” said Paula, “we did it. We actually did it.”

“Yes,” he replied, not meaning to be frugal with his sexual wordplay, but being so nonetheless.

“You here at the big desk with the big job in your highly capable big hands while I take on the job of your number 2…”

“Yes,” he said again, even more erotically than the first time

“Now,” replied his deputy glorious in her 9th floor radiance, “I’ve got a lot of work to do so I’ll head. Well done boss.”

“Yes,” Bill replied for a third time. The atmosphere in the office had moved from lightly to highly charged. He knew it. He suspected she knew it. He decided not to ask her about it just in case she hadn’t noticed him manning around.

As Ms. Bennett walked out the door, her Impulse body spray lingered for just a little bit longer. He moved over to his stereo and, taking one more deep breath of the perfume, popped in his Luther Van dross CD. 

This was heaven and he was in it.

Bennett stoked with uptake of $5000 by people

Paula Bennett, the Minister of Social Housing and Sweet Burnouts, today welcomed the news that twelve families have taken up the government offer of $5000 to move out of Auckland.

Ms. Bennett has said it is early days but she says she is “pretty stoked” that just four weeks after the introduction of the policy a massive 0.08% of their target of 150 families had taken up the offer.

Paula-Bennett

“This is great news,” said Ms. Bennett, “and we expect to reach our target by the year 2173.”

Ms. Bennett said she had no figures on the amount of those 12 families who had taken up the other government offer of $3000 to move back to Auckland.

Yet another apology to Ms. Bennett

Earlier on today MyThinks published a second apology to National Party cabinet minister Paula Bennett. In that apology we apologised for suggesting certain things about Ms. Bennett that were untrue. A major part of that apology was highlighting how we had offended Ms. Bennett by repeating a great deal of text from the first apology.

With the benefit of hindsight, and a threatening email from Crown Law, MyThinks now realises repeating offending remarks over and over again while linking to them through various hyperlinks contained within the post to other, more libelous posts, could be construed as offensive in itself. Tagging our posts with certain satirical phrases my have also, inadvertently, repeated the implied allegations that Ms. Bennett is flamboyant with the truth.

We here at MyThinks are just a small backyard operation made up of kiwi mums and dads. We aren’t in any position to take on the litigious might of the New Zealand National Party. We get our legal advice from the Citizens Advice Bureau and our groceries are all Home Brand. That’s what being a middle class New Zealander is all about.

Again, we apologise unreservedly to Ms. Bennett. Sorry for implying you have a disregard for the facts by satirising how you misrepresented the events of last week.

Sorry.

Another apology to Ms. Bennett

Earlier on today MyThinks published an apology to National Party cabinet minister Paula Bennett regarding a satirical post written and posted on Saturday the 18th of June, 2016.

In the past half hour we have been re-contacted by Ms. Bennett’s staff who have reported to us they are not to happy with the apology that was issued. They have said Ms. Bennett is not happy with some of the content in that other post.

In our apologetic post we quoted several lines from the original post:

You know, the thing that really gets in my craw, the most hurtful thing, is the fact the opposition have been calling me a liar. It’s so outrageous it’s laughable. I am not a liar. I never lie. I have never lied in all my years as a National Party politician. Never. Not once. I have only ever told the complete and utter truth. And the truth is this: I don’t lie. Ever.

We also had the phrase Ms. Bennett is a liar or similar printed in bold and dotted throughout the post.

It has been brought to our attention by Ms. Bennett’s staff that copying the above paragraph into the post and repeating the phrase Ms. Bennett is a liar throughout, we could effectively be implying once again that Ms. Bennett is untruthful, misleading or has a liberal interpretation of the concept of truth.

Once again, MyThinks apologises to Ms. Bennett. Our apology was a genuine attempt to apologise and if our apology offended Ms. Bennett in any way, we are truly sorry.

It won’t happen again.

An apology to Ms. Bennett

Yesterday morning the MyThinks blog published a short post in which we satirised the situation faced this week by National Party cabinet minister Paula Bennett. In the post we hilariously suggested that Ms. Bennett was a fragile person who was struggling to come to terms with the current self-inflicted malaise she found herself in. We implied, through innuendo, that Ms. Bennett may be a liar because she was a National Party politician. We said:

You know, the thing that really gets in my craw, the most hurtful thing, is the fact the opposition have been calling me a liar. It’s so outrageous it’s laughable. I am not a liar. I never lie. I have never lied in all my years as a National Party politician. Never. Not once. I have only ever told the complete and utter truth. And the truth is this: I don’t lie. Ever.

After being contacted by her office late last evening we now agree with their assessment of the situation. On no occasion during the last week did Ms. Bennett lie, tell fibs or mislead in any way. We agree with her office representative that Ms. Bennett has worked tirelessly this week not lying to members of the media, people she has met with, or New Zealanders as a whole.

To suggest Ms. Bennett is a liar besmirches not only her reputation but the reputation of all National Party MPs past, present and future.

MyThinks apologises for the suggestion that Ms. Bennett is a liar. To imply otherwise is simply misleading and utterly unprofessional.

We are now also under police investigation.

Thank you and good day.