Old white man speaks out against another language

It is with some concern and, indeed, much trepidatory nervousness that I express my complete worry at the amount of Mayoree language being spoken in New Zealand. I hear it all over the radio and television day after day after day.

I’m no racist, but when Guyon or whoever starts their morning hello with six or seven words from a language I don’t understand, I’m going to say something. If you are going to welcome me to your radio show and try to get me to listen then you should say stuff in a language I understand. If I don’t understand, then I can’t engage. If I can’t engage, then I need to get my press people to issue blatantly racist press releases in the hopes people will talk to me and listen to my old white man ideas.

Sure Mayoree have been in New Zealand for hundreds of years and their language was pretty much the national language until James Cook turned up with all his amazing technology, disease and colonial suppression. They’ve done so well since then.

Look. I am old and I am white. I’m threatened by anything that’s not old and white. All this use of Te Reyo is new and fresh sounding. All the kids are using it. It threatens my white man-ness. I mean… I can’t really speak Te Reyo but I sometimes like to use it. I use the word farnow all the time. It works just so much better than family. It means so much more. So I use farnow all the time. But I don’t want other people using any of the other words. It’s too confusing to both my manhood and my whitehood.

Right… if you’ll excuse me I’m off to my house in Orakei to enjoy a Wairarapa chardonnay with some roasted kumara while we look out on the beautiful Rangitoto in the Hauraki Gulf.

Kind regards,

Donald Brash (doctor)

Old white guys announce Māori are too privileged

A new group named after a former governor has come out swinging this week launching a campaign against what it says is the special treatment for Māori.

Hobson’s Pledge, named after the former governor William Hobson, is headed by former National Party leader Don Brash.

“Even though I look like an antique pigskin wallet,” Brash told a packed crowd of other old white dudes, “people loved my Orewa speech. It was important to scrape the surface and uncover that racism we all know us there.”

Let’s all be equal!

Dr Brash said it was important to remember that even though Māori were the first here, and even though they signed the Treaty of Waitangi to protect their property rights and then had much of their property confiscated, and this dispossession has led to a miriad of other issues, they’ve had it pretty good.

Dr Brash was adamant.

“We need to ensure that everybody in New Zealand is treated equally under the law so me and my rich mates don’t have to pay as much tax.”

Brash signed off the gathering by denying he’d paid as much tax as Trump since 1986.