Fly on the wall of the first National caucus since election

Over the past several months, the team at MyThinks have been involved in a vast insect training programme. We have been working to teach our six-legged friends to become the finest of political reporters. This week we sent our deputy political diptera into the National Party caucus room for their first meeting since the devastating 2020 election.

*bzzzzz bzz bzzzzzzz*

JUDITH: Alright everyone. Come in. Sit down….

(sounds of chairs being scraped along the floor, coughing and a couple of sobs)

JUDITH: …oh… sorry… not you guys. Those chairs are for the winners. You can keep walking out that door there. Grab a silver plate from that table on your way out. Thanks…

(sounds of more chairs scraping and the clatter of trays followed by low-grade mumbers with perhaps a hint of swearing)

*bzz bzzzzzz bzzzzzzz*

JUDITH: Ok everyone. How many of us are there now?

GERRY: Thirty five.

JUDITH: WHAT? Oh god. Jesus christ in hell.

CHRIS: Hang on… you shouldn’t be blaspheming like that. Aren’t you a Christian?

JUDITH: For Christ’s sake Chris… hands of my job. “Carcus” isn’t even cold yet.

CHRIS: But I wasn’t…

JUDITH: So don’t even. I’m the Queen Bee around here thank you. Ok everyone. Moving on. Thirty five. That’s not even enough to…

PAUL: But what about ACT. Can we cobble tog…

JUDITH: Can’t get the numbers right on that one either! No we can’t. We can’t cobble anything together. We’ve been hammered. It’s like someone took a large pair of electorial kitchen shears and sliced off the…

PAUL: But I was only saying…

JUDITH: Well don’t. Just don’t. You’ve done enough already.

PAUL: I’ve done enough?? I’ve done enough? What about you fat shaming all those fat people?

GERRY: (quietly) Obese.

JUDITH: I was only saying what everyone was thinking.

PAUL: Yeah… but obese people can vote too you know.

JUDITH: Can they though?

GERRY: Yeah. They can actually.

JUDITH: Oh here he is. Mr “I’m too good for Ilam so I’ll come in on my list” Brownlee.

GERRY: Wow… I just… wow.

JUDITH: Anyone else want to blame me? Go on. Have a crack.

MELISSA: *sob* I just… *sob* it’s…

JUDITH: Oh pipe down crybaby.

DENISE: Look Jude. You can be as nasty as you want but at the end of the day, if you hadn’t been so loathed by the entire electorate apart from the base, we might have been able to do a little better.

(sound of door opening and lizard-like evil seeping into the room)

HAMISH: Hi… I know they’re gigantic, but has anyone seen my shoes? I’ve got an important business meeting and I…

EVERYONE: Get out muppet!

*bzzzzzzzz bzz bzz bzzzzzz*

JUDITH: Look Denise. I’ve seen the numbers. Your email cost us five points. Five points!!

DENISE: I find that hard to believe. And how would we even know. I haven’t seen an internal poll since… two leaders ago.

PAUL, GERRY AND SIMON: Oooooo… burn.

JUDITH: Enough. I am your leader. You will bow down before…. what are you doing.

SIMON: (punching screen of phone) Live streaming this meeting to Tova. This is gold.

JUDITH: Oh for god’s sake. Leaking. Again! Can we just not get through a week without somebody leaking.

ALL (EXCEPT JUDITH): Um… no.

JUDITH: Right… here it is. Moving forward we need to be united.

NICK: But everybody hates you.

JUDITH: (between clenched teeth) I know… but the electorate doesn’t need to know that.

NICK: I was speaking about the electorate.

JUDITH: (speaking normally – slightly passive aggressive) Look… we need to get back to where we were when Our Lord Protector John Key was leading us. We were so strong. Nobody leaked. Well… nobody who wasn’t me or Paula leaked. Anyway, we were a strong team. A huge team. The country looked to us as leaders, strong managers of the economy. Now we are just the guys with a massive hole in their budget, leaking against the leader, destroying each other as the Titanic goes down. We need to take a strong hard look at ourselves and… and…

(Everybody in the room breaks down in uncontrollable fits of laughter. The laughing sessions goes on for some minutes. Even Melissa manages a slight upturning at the corner of her mouth. Slowly the caucus brings themselves back to the room.)

JUDITH: Look… sorry… I realise that was a bit naughty of me.

GERRY: (wiping tears from his eyes) oh mercy…

JUDITH: Right… here’s our plan… number one – blame the voters. Why don’t we say something like, “Oh… but it was our supporters that voted for Labour to keep the Greens out of power.”

PAUL: But why would National supporters vote for Labour. That doesn’t make any sense.

JUDITH: Holey sense-making Batman!

PAUL: I don’t get it.

JUDITH: It was a pun Paul. I said “holey” not “holy.”

PAUL: I still don’t get it.

JUDITH: Holey…. H-O-L-E-Y as in something with a lot of holes in it… like Swiss cheese or our fecking budget statement.

PAUL: Oooohhhh…. (after a few seconds) Actually… that sounds a bit mean.

JUDITH: Oh for fu…

*bzzzzzzz bzz bzzzzz bzzzz*

SIMON: Look guys…. can I make a suggestion?

ALL: Sure. Yeah. Whatevs. Etc.

SIMON: Well… we lost a whole load of differently ethnicked peoples during our loss.

JUDITH: (suspicious) Yes…

SIMON: Well… with the exsepshun of moi… everyone else seems to be very, very white. And some of you are qui

GERRY: What about Paora?

PAUL: Look… I told you….

(Uncontrollable laughing)

PAUL: Oh… that was a dig at me again. You guys are really mean. I lost Epsom for all of you!

(more laughing)

SIMON: Look…. we have a significant Christian caucus now. Why don’t we go for the Tamiki & New Conservatives vote. That’s about 1%. And there’s another 3% with Winston First being out of parliament – we could go for the old anti-immigration vote.

GERRY: Oh for god’s sake Soimon… There’s no immigration. The border is closed. We’re doomed. WE’RE ALL DOOOOOOOMMED!!!!!

(there is a cracking sound and the distinct aroma of burning sulpher permiates the room. There is a cackling chuckle and the ghost of Sir Robert Muldoon rises from the floor.)

MULDOON: (continuing to cackle) Ha. Ha ha ha… do you need a hand boys??

*bzzz bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz bzzzzzzzz bzz bzzzzz……

National: Strong Team of Law and Order (the politics one, not the TV show)

Today the National Party have annouced plans to get tough on gangs. Again.

We at MyThinks thought it was important to identify a list of gangs the National Party were planning on getting tough on.

National have said if they are elected their new “The Gang Unit” gang unit will be available for members of the public to report gang activity to.

There will also be the chance before the election to call up existing talkback shows to report any antisocial behaviour you have seen, or any you think you may have heard about from that other talkback caller from Morrinsville who heard something about gangs from his cousin Derek who drove through Huntley that time and they were all parked up at the McDonalds.

Please find below some of the concerning gang insignia which will come under scrutiny from the new law.

• 

  Hell’s Angels Motorcycle Club

• 

  Highway 61 Motorcycle Club

• 

  Devil’s Henchmen Motorcycle Club

• 

  Bandidos Motorcycle Club

• 

  The Boy Scouts Motorcycle Club

• 

  Grey Power Motorcycle Club

• 

  National Motorcycle Club

Simon Bridges and all the money

INTERVIEWER: Welcome back. A recent leak of opposition leader Simon Bridges’ travel expenses has expanded into full-blown forensic inquiry to discover the source of the Newshub story by Tova O’Brien. Joining me now to talk about his expenses and the inquiry is National Party leader Simon Bridges. Good morning Mr Bridges.

SIMON BRIDGES: Morning.

INTERVIEWER: You were pretty angry when your expenses were leaked?

BRIDGES: Absolutely. I was very angry. I’ve been working incredibly hard going around New Zealand talking to New Zealanders about New Zealanding.

INTERVIEWER: Do you have to travel in a Crown limousine? Surely there are cheaper ways of getting around than using your free ride?

BRIDGES: Look… I don’t think so. I think New Zealanders want to see their politicians turning up to cake stalls and charity baton relays rested and relaxed after a long journey. It’s very hard to cut a ribbon or successfully cradle a baby if you’re all stressed out from riding in a Jazz or, god forbid, a Prius.

INTERVIEWER: I do understand that, but don’t you think it looks a bit flashy, a bit over the top to be spending $900 per day when you could get something much, much cheaper.

BRIDGES: Well… it could be worse. I could have included the Thai foot masseuse for an extra $250 a day, but I didn’t include her except on a couple of dozen of the trips.

INTERVIEWER: So you were pretty outraged when your expenses were leaked to the Newshub political editor?

BRIDGES: Absolutely outraged.

INTERVIEWER: Disgusted.

BRIDGES: Totally disgusted.

INTERVIEWER: So you’re absolutely outraged and totally disgusted by someone releasing your travel expenses…

BRIDGES: Completely.

INTERVIEWER: …just a couple of days before they were going to be made public anyway?

BRIDGES: Yes. It is outrageous that the National Party only had 20 minutes or so to come up with our lines for the media. I’ve been working extremely hard, travelling the country talking to New Zealanders. I mean, face it, that line isn’t very exciting, but it’s all we could come up with after we were ambushed by Tova.

INTERVIEWER: So then, what’s your plan? What are you wanting to happen from here?

BRIDGES: I think the most sensible thing that has happened during this whole time is the Speaker of the House announcing his forensic inquiry into the leak. We need to get to the bottom of whoever has undertaken this threat to New Zealand’s democracy.

INTERVIEWER: Do you ever wonder to yourself if you’d just said, “yeah, we spent that money talking to New Zealanders,” and left it at that, then we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now and the New Zealand taxpayer wouldn’t be spending several hundred thousand dollars trawling through National Party emails to try to find the person who wants your job?

BRIDGES: (extremely long pause) Um… (another long pause) …um… ahh… (more pauses) I…. ahh… I don’t know…?

INTERVIEWER: Mr Bridges… thanks very much…

BRIDGES: Hang on… is that it?

INTERVIEWER: We’ve run out of time.

BRIDGES: But… I… that interview makes me look terrible.

INTERVIEWER: I think this whole debacle makes you look terrible.

BRIDGES: Hey! Aren’t you meant to be an impartial journalist?

INTERVIEWER: No. I’m a fake entity on a satirical blog post. I can be anything I want. Thanks very much for your time Mr Bridges.

Simon Bridges: Look at me!!! I’m being interviewed again!

Interviewer: The National Party are, once again, critical of the Labour-led government over their self-imposed spending limits. Joining me now on the show is National leader Simon Bridges. Good morning.

Simon Bridges: Good morning.

Interviewer: So you are critical of the Labour Party…

Simon Bridges: Yes.

Interviewer: … let me finish… You are critical of the Labour Party and their fiscal responsibility rules?

Simon Bridges: Absolutely.

Interviewer: So you don’t agree with the government being fiscally responsible?

Simon Bridges: No… I mean yes… I mean… what do you mean?

Interviewer: Well the National Party are meant to be the party of sound fiscal management. Are you disagreeing with Labour because you no longer agree with the concept of fiscal responsibility?

Simon Bridges: What? Oh good lord no. The National Party are still completely in favour of there being limits on government spending. Absolutely.

Interviewer: Ok… so you’re in favour of the Labour Party’s fiscal responsibility rules then?

Simon Bridges: Yes… no… what??

Interviewer: You’re against their rules of fiscal responsibility so you must be in favour of the government spending more money then? Are you saying they should increase spending on schools and fixing up hospitals… maybe helping the homeless into new homes?

Simon Bridges: No. No. No…. Oh my god no. The government needs to keep their spending under control. Absolutely under control. There’s no doubt about that.

Interviewer: So.. sorry. I’m very confused. You’re complaining that Labour is doing exactly what you would be doing if you were in government.

Simon Bridges: Look. I know that sounds really dumb when you say it like that, but since we won the election last year National have thought long and hard about how we might bring this government down. We know that this government is useless at everything that they do so our plan consists of us being really critical of everything they do in the hope that some of the stardust will blow away and New Zealand will see the Labour Party for what they really are.

Interviewer: Sound fiscal managers?

Simon Bridges: Yes. What? No. No. Labour are not sound fiscal managers.

Interviewer: Simon Bridges. Thank you for your time.

Simon Bridges: What? No. I’m not done yet.

Interviewer: But we’re out of time. Thanks Mr Bridges.

Simon Bridges: But that whole interview made me sound like a complete dick.

Interviewer: Thanks Mr Dick.

National annoyed with Labour government

PRESS RELEASE – 6 MAY, 2018

NEW ZEALAND NATIONAL PARTY

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

National leader Simon Bridges has today come out and said how annoyed he is with the Labour-led coalition.

“I, and I think all of New Zealand agrees with me, am outraged at what Labour have been up to,” said Mr Bridges.

Mr Bridges says in the lead up to the budget, the government is doing far too much.

“Labour need to realise that government isn’t about getting things done,” said Mr Bridges, “it is about releasing press releases that list a whole bunch of things you might do in the future and then doing hardly any or none of them.”

Mr Bridges said the government’s plans on housing, health, education and the economy just didn’t stack up.

“I don’t know what they are thinking,” he said, “by announcing huge plans to build stadiums in Christchurch, hospitals in Dunedin and to fix up leaky buildings at schools and hospitals around the country they are just going to end up making people happy.”

Mr Bridges was also highly critical of this week’s announcement of a $100 million fund to end homelessness.

“What does Labour want?” asked Mr Bridges rhetorically, “tens of thousands of people not living in cars, bus shelters, and doorways? I mean, it’s just ridiculous.”

Mr Bridges said he was hugely proud of National’s near decade in office saying he was looking forward to seeing how Labour would use the upcoming budget to deal with the massive hole left by Steven Joyce.

ENDS