HOST: We now cross live to National Party person and all-round great guy, Chris Bishop. Good Morning Chris.
CHRIS: Good morning, Host. Thank you for having me.
HOST: Well, congratulations on the election result, I suppose.
CHRIS: Yes. Correct. It was an election result. And now we are the elected government.
HOST: Does it worry you that the ACT Party and New Zealand First, with their fringe policies, and lunatic elements will end up bring the National-led government down?
CHRIS: Look, Host, I know what you’re trying to do. You’re suggesting that because both of those parties have been hoovering up the fruitcakes and numpties over the past seven years, that means, somehow, we are going to collapse under the weight of a bunch of inexperienced weirdos.
HOST: Like Chris Luxon.
CHRIS: Yes… like Chr… hang on… No. He’s our esteemed leader. You know he’s come from mergers and acquisitions, don’t you.
HOST: At Air New Zealand?
CHRIS: Yes… at… No! In the… in business. He’s come from business.
HOST: And church?
CHRIS: And church.
HOST: So you are comfortable that the crackpots and cooks in both those parties aren’t going to hold you to ransom.
CHRIS: Oh, they already are.
HOST: What?
CHRIS: What?
HOST: What did you say?
CHRIS: No I didn’t.
HOST: I.. um… well, moving on. You are here today to talk about the Labour anti-smoking policy that your government is repealing.
CHRIS: Yes. Correct.
HOST: And why do you think it’s so bad?
CHRIS: Well… because…
HOST: Because someone’s paying you to say it’s bad?
CHRIS: No. It’s not that!
HOST: Why would you get rid of a policy that’s going to ban smoking for an entire generation. It doesn’t make sense.
CHRIS: Oh, host, it makes perfect sense. I mean, the Ministry of Health says that it’s going to save 8000 lives, but I just don’t buy it.
HOST: So you don’t think that hundreds of thousands of New Zealanders not smoking is not going to reduce the incidence of smoking-related illnesses like heart disease or cancer.
CHRIS: Nope.
HOST: So what do you think will happen?
CHRIS: Well, it’s obvious.
(long pause)
CHRIS: Can’t you see it?
(slightly shorter pause)
CHRIS: Am I going to have to spell it out for you?
HOST: I think you might have to, minister.
CHRIS: Oh… I thought you were just going to agree with me. Um… I didn’t think we would get this far.
HOST: But here we are. How is preventing thousands of New Zealanders smoking not going to reduce death rates.
CHRIS: But I just said it would.
HOST: Yes. But you’ve given me no evidence. You’ve just said it’s not going to happen.
CHRIS: So you agree with me?
HOST: No. I’m just repeating what you said as part of a questioning technique.
CHRIS: Look. I worked in the tobacco industry for many years for a company called Philip Morris. I have a lifetime subscription to Cigar Monthly Magazine. My deodorant is Marlboro Man. I am the most qualified person to speak about tobacco deaths.
HOST: Because your industry has caused so many?
CHRIS: Yes… bec… NO! Because I’m a highly educated and articulate individual…
HOST: …in the pockets of big tobacco?
CHRIS: NO!! No I’m not! I’m not in the pocket of big tobacco.
HOST: So you don’t have any of your former tobacco colleagues in your phone contacts?
(long pause)
HOST: Or in a private Facebook group?
(another long pause)
HOST: Or in a WhatsApp group called Smokin’ Dudes.
CHRIS: Oh. My. God. How did you know all that?
HOST: You tobacco types are about as subtle as a neon pink suit. Look, you’re here trying to argue something that just doesn’t make sense. Reducing tobacco consumption will reduce deaths. You don’t need to be a physician or a scientist to be able to work that one out. Next you’ll be telling me green is blue, or the sun rises in the west.
CHRIS: But… I… the…. (slight pause) I’M NUMBER 3 ON THE NATIONAL PARTY LIST. YOU WILL TREAT ME WITH RESPECT OR I’LL TELL ON YOU.
HOST: Chris Bishop. Thanks for joining us. Don’t let the door smack you on the arse on your way out.
My Thinks 