Chief National Party strategist, former Minister for Everything, and current Minister for Nothing Steven Joyce has announced his retirement from politics. The election winning guru made the announcement at parliament this week after receiving just his own vote during the recent leadership ballot.
During his press conference earlier in the week Joyce was clear. “The generational change I had planned with my Back to the Future campaign didn’t go as well as I’d hoped.”
Joyce was adamant he had still done well.
“I did very well,” he told the gathered throng of media, “I had a lot of support in caucus with my unique brand of subtle passive aggressive put-downs and intense micromanagement. There’s nothing people like more than thinking they’re being told they are doing a great job when in actual fact they are being told the exact opposite. It’s great for morale.”
Joyce was asked by one of the media present what was his greatest achievement in politics.
“My greatest achievement,” he replied instantly, “was the 2017 election campaign.”
(If you’ve never heard the sound of the Press Gallery raising a collective left eyebrow, you would have done if you had been present at that press conference.)
“The 2017 election campaign was a monumental success. National ended up being the biggest party by a massive amount. We were in the mid-40s and nobody else was anywhere close. It was brilliant.
“Looking back I think the proudest moment of that entire campaign was our television advertisement. I remember when I had the idea. It wasn’t long after we’d been in court over the Eminem thing and I thought to myself: we definitely can’t do that sort of thing again so I came up with a completely different idea where the guys in the canoe were running down the road and then they run past the group of idiots from the dinghy falling over themselves. The only thing that was missing from that ad was some haunting music underneath the National Party runners that went jig jig jig jig jig jig jig jig. That would have been pretty legal.”
What is his biggest regret?
“That not one of those idiots from the advert would go into coalition with us and give us another term.”
Steven Joyce has a lot planned for his retirement. Most of his plans centre around being awarded some pretty sweet positions through the old-boys network he cultivated so meticulously during his near decade in parliament.
“There are a lot of opportunities out there in the private sector,” said Joyce, “especially for someone who has the ability to do a whole bunch of stuff without really doing any of the stuff.”
Joyce will leave parliament next month. Thank Christ.