Joyce announces retiresignment

Chief National Party strategist,  former Minister for Everything, and current Minister for Nothing Steven Joyce has announced his retirement from politics. The election winning guru made the announcement at parliament this week after receiving just his own vote during the recent leadership ballot.

During his press conference earlier in the week Joyce was clear. “The generational change I had planned with my Back to the Future campaign didn’t go as well as I’d hoped.”

Joyce was adamant he had still done well.

“I did very well,” he told the gathered throng of media, “I had a lot of support in caucus with my unique brand of subtle passive aggressive put-downs and intense micromanagement. There’s nothing people like more than thinking they’re being told they are doing a great job when in actual fact they are being told the exact opposite. It’s great for morale.”

Joyce was asked by one of the media present what was his greatest achievement in politics.

“My greatest achievement,” he replied instantly, “was the 2017 election campaign.”

(If you’ve never heard the sound of the Press Gallery raising a collective left eyebrow, you would have done if you had been present at that press conference.)

“The 2017 election campaign was a monumental success. National ended up being the biggest party by a massive amount. We were in the mid-40s and nobody else was anywhere close. It was brilliant.

“Looking back I think the proudest moment of that entire campaign was our television advertisement. I remember when I had the idea. It wasn’t long after we’d been in court over the Eminem thing and I thought to myself: we definitely can’t do that sort of thing again so I came up with a completely different idea where the guys in the canoe were running down the road and then they run past the group of idiots from the dinghy falling over themselves. The only thing that was missing from that ad was some haunting music underneath the National Party runners that went jig jig jig jig jig jig jig jig. That would have been pretty legal.”

What is his biggest regret?

“That not one of those idiots from the advert would go into coalition with us and give us another term.”

Steven Joyce has a lot planned for his retirement. Most of his plans centre around being awarded some pretty sweet positions through the old-boys network he cultivated so meticulously during his near decade in parliament.

“There are a lot of opportunities out there in the private sector,” said Joyce, “especially for someone who has the ability to do a whole bunch of stuff without really doing any of the stuff.”

Joyce will leave parliament next month. Thank Christ. 

Election debate: the finance edition

MyThinks has been delving deep into many, many election issues. From Steven Joyce’s lying to the lying of Steven Joyce, we’ve really worked hard to cover everything. Today in our Auckland studio we are hosting a debate between Finance Minister Joyce and his Labour Party counterpart Grant Robertson. 

Host: Good morning gentlemen.

Joyce: Good morning.

Robertson: Good morning Mr Host.

Host: This is shaping up to be a tight election race. National and Labour are neck and neck at the moment. I’ll start with you first Mr Joyce. What is your party offering that is going to make a difference to New Zealanders?

Joyce: That’s a great question. National has a strong record of helping ourselves during the global financial crisis. We have worked hard to ensure that everyone has a fair go…

Robertson: (coughing) Bhu-ll-sht!

Joyce: …that everyone has a fair go and are able to get the jobs and the opportunities they want.

Host: You don’t agree Grant Robertson?

Robertson: No I don’t. National has had nine years, nine long years to improve things, and what have we got? People living in cars, polluted rivers, homeless people dying on church steps, massive waiting lists… I could go on.

Joyce: Please don’t.

Robertson: You’ve had every opportunity and you’ve failed. Your government is not delivering for New Zealanders. It’s just delivering for…

Joyce: That’s a load of rubbish and you know it. National have a proven track record…

Robertson: Prove it.

Joyce: …I just did by saying it. National has a proven track record of delivering jobs and growth. And I wouldn’t be too quick to cast aspersions Grant. Your party is up to some pretty dodgy stuff.

Host: What do you mean?

Joyce: Well… there’s the tax thing. They are going to raise all sorts of taxes and hard-working New Zealanders are going to end up paying a lot more.

Robertson: No we are not. That’s a lie. We are holding a working group to look at whether our tax system is fair.

Joyce: And you’re going to raise income tax on our most vulnerable people.

Robertson: No we are not. We haven’t said we will.

Joyce: It’s clear from your denials that you are totally going to do that. National deny all sorts of stuff we end up doing or are found guilt of. You are totally going to raise taxes and force the poor to sell their babies.

Robertson: What?

Host: What??

Joyce: It’s obvious. You have totally denied you are going to lift income tax but you have never said that you are not going to force the poor to sell their children. How do we know that’s not your policy?

Robertson: Because we aren’t ACT.

Joyce: Don’t dodge the question. How can New Zealanders be sure that the Labour Party aren’t going to force the hard-working poor of New Zealand to sell their children in order to pay for food and housing?

Robertson: You’re adding stuff to that!

Joyce: Damn right. You’ve never said you aren’t just going to ship all the old people living in rest homes off to the Auckland Islands because it’s just too expensive to pay for their care.

Robertson: I don’t believe what I’m hearing.

Joyce: I don’t either. I don’t think any New Zealander will stand by and let you harvest their organs to sell on the dark web. I certainly won’t.

Host: Where are you getting this information?

Joyce: From a hole. It’s a very big hole. But it’s there. All this information waiting to come out. I’ve run many, many campaigns for the National Party over the years and never, never have I been in charge of one which is up against a party that hasn’t denied they are going to remove all non-New Zealanders from the country via a lunar rocket.

Robertson: We will not do any of those things.

Joyce: But how do we know that if you aren’t denying them?

Host: I think he just did.

Joyce: No he didn’t Mr Host. He said he was, “totally not going to do any of those things.” But what things? What specific things is he not going to do. I haven’t heard him name one since we’ve been sitting here.

(long pause)

Robertson: What are you not going to do?

Joyce: Pardon?

Robertson: Well… what are you and the National Party not going to do?

Joyce: Oh… I see what you are trying to do there… You’re trying to catch me out. Well I’ll tell you this right here and now. Everything. We are planning not to do everything.

Robertson: So… you’re going to do nothing?

Joyce: What?

Host: I think he asked if you were going to do nothing. That is, are you planning not to do anything?

Joyce: Um… sorry… what do you mean?

Host: You’re accusing Labour of doing everything so is the National Party planning on doing nothing to deal with all of our problems?

Joyce: Wha.. um… but… the… I’m… Roads! Roads and irrigation!! And tax cuts!!!!!!! Shut up.

Robertson: Hahaahaa! Classic.

Joyce: Shut up. I’m not playing anymore.

Host: Thanks for joining us today gentlemen. I’ve been talking to Finance Minister Steven Joyce and Labour Party finance spokesperson Grant Robertson.

Inside scoop on the National Party election strategy

MyThinks have been lucky enough this election to get exclusive access to some high level strategy meetings at National Party HQ. Led by New Zealand’s arch-nemesis Steven “I have the perfect face for radio” Joyce, this crack team of elite heavy-hitters have been working around the clock as they work to ensure National get another term in parliament. Our correspondent has been embedded with the party since early August and filed this report. 

Reporter: The National Party has long thought of themselves as the ruling party of New Zealand. After years of tyrannical rule under Keith Holyoake and later Robert Muldoon, and then more years under cuddly farmer Jim Bolger and busybody fishwife Jenny Shipley, National have spent the last nine years in power following the rise of the “King of Meh” Sir John Key. This year they face an uphill battle to remain in charge of the country following Key’s resignation and promotion to the top job of dour grumblepants Bill English. We are here today at a key strategy meeting for the National Party election committee.

Joyce: Hello everyone. It’s been a tough week…

Reporter: That’s National campaign manager Steven Joyce.

Joyce: …Labour have risen 10 points in the polls and people are beginning to realise we are a bunch of uncaring wankers. I’ve tried my best to say that Grant Robertson is an idiot, not in so many words, but I’ve tried. Nothing seems to be working. We are falling in the polls and they are rising. What should we do next? Where should we go? Where are we heading?

Reporter: Many of the white, middle-aged men around the table scratch their balding heads. There are quite a few “ums” and some long sighs. It’s almost as if they’ve resigned themselves to the fact that someone who looks better and less tired than them might just take this election out.

Joyce: We have released billions of dollars worth of spending on roads to try to get people to vote for us but we need something else…. something a bit more visionary….

Reporter: At the front of the room we are sitting in is a large whiteboard. On the left of the whiteboard is a picture of former PM Helen Clark with a crudely drawn bullseye over her face. Joyce pulls out a dry-erase marker and takes off the lid. He stands there in front of the board waiting. It’s like he is wanting to look like he’s doing something but he just doesn’t know what to do.

Joyce: Come on boys! What can we do??!?

Reporter: Several of the pale old men excuse themselves from the table claiming prostate issues leaving just Joyce and a couple of others. He points at them with a wizened finger and demands results.

Joyce: I’m demanding results! We are paying you lot thousands and thousands of taxpayer dollars per hour. You need to be coming up with something. Now!

Reporter: One of the old men suggests they bring back the dancing cossacks ad from the 1970s remembering back to a brighter past when the National Party could be openly racist and still increase their share of the vote. Joyce dismisses this idea but then suddenly his eyes light up. He puts the lid back on the whiteboard marker and throws it down.

Joyce: Oh… my… god… I’ve got it!

Reporter: The remaining aged men in the room snap awake and some spend a few moments wiping the dribble from their wrinkled chins.

Joyce: So Labour have all these policies which are going to deal with all the shit we’ve created with things like housing, health, rivers, education, immigration, health, rivers, education, health, housing and housing….

Reporter: Sitting at the back of the room it is clear that Joyce is about to launch into something amazing. He is buzzed about whatever is rattling around inside his skull.

Joyce: …so hear me out on this. You might not like it, but… why don’t we just… lie?

Reporter: Some of the ancient relics at the table gasp. It’s unclear whether this is because they are outraged at Joyce’s suggestion or because their oxygen cylinders have run out. He continues.

Joyce: Look. Hear me out. Labour say they aren’t going to raise income taxes. Why don’t we just lie? Why don’t we say they are? Look everyone… if we lie and tell everyone that Labour are going to raise their taxes, then by the time the dust settles and the media start asking questions of us rather than Labour, nobody will care. The damage will be done. Voters are stupid and they’ll just think, “that’s typical Labour trying to take my money” rather than, “typical National lying about everything to try to cling to power.”

Reporter: Some of the pasty octogenarians nod, perhaps because they are in agreement, or perhaps because they are falling asleep. Either way, the room is buzzing and Joyce is on fire. The campaign manager triumphantly attempts a high-five accidentally snapping the wrist of the unsuspecting committee member he’s assaulted. It’s clear that National have their new strategy and Joyce is going for gold. Unnamed Reporter, at the National Party headquarters, MyThinks News.

Steven Joyce: I have a vision for our future

In our first in-depth look at policy, MyThinks interviews Minister of Finance Steven Joyce about the National Party’s vision for New Zealand post-election – if they are elected into power. 

Thinks: Mr Joyce. Thanks for joining us.

Joyce: Thanks for having me.

Thinks: Now… you have been saying a lot this election cycle about Labour’s plans to increase taxes…

Joyce: Yes. They’re planning to tax everything.

Thinks: …let me finish…

Joyce: You will be finished if Labour gets in. Do you know they plan to put a tax on people listening to progressive rock? It’s appalling. People should be able to listen to Genesis or Yes and not have to worry that the Labour Party is breathing down their neck with a collection bag.

Thinks: Um… OK. This wasn’t the plan for this interview, but…. where have you got this information from. How do you know, for example, that Labour are going to introduce this prog rock tax?

Joyce: Well they haven’t not said they won’t, have they?

Thinks: Pardon… I mean… what?

Joyce: Well… have you heard the Labour Party specifically say they are not going to introduce a progressive rock tax this election cycle.

Thinks: No, but….

Joyce: Exactly! This proves they are definitely planning to tax your progressive rock listening habits.

Thinks: I’m not sure I’m following you…

Joyce: You don’t have to follow me. All you have to do is listen to me say the words, “Labour is introducing a new tax” and everything else will follow.

Thinks: I see. But Labour have said they are having a tax working group to review the tax system.

Joyce: Exactly correct.

Thinks: And they’ve said the working group will be focused on making the tax system fairer.

Joyce: Yes. Correct.

Thinks: And they don’t want to pre-empt the findings of this working group by saying what taxes they will look at so they working group may have the freedom to investigate any tax which they might deem to be unfair.

Joyce: Correct again.

Thinks: And before the 2008 election you said you were going to set up a tax working group, which you did end up doing.

Joyce: Correct.

Thinks: And you ended up putting up GST even though you hadn’t mentioned this tax rise before that 2008 election.

Joyce: That is also correct.

Thinks: So Labour is being truthful with the public now by telling them what their vision for a fairer tax system might be by, say, taxing income on investment housing.

Joyce: Yup. Correct.

Thinks: And the National Party were being economical with the truth before the 2008 election by leaving out any mention of possible in the future tax increases.

Joyce: That is correct too.

Thinks: So why are you trying to get away with lying to the New Zealand public previously and also lying about the Labour Party’s plans for a fairer tax system?

Joyce: Oh… now I see where you’re going… No. That’s not true. National always tells the truth. We always have. Especially when we are talking words out of our mouths.

Thinks: Is any of that last sentence true?

Joyce: Are we on the record?

Thinks: Yes.

Joyce: Then yes.

Thinks: Well then Mr Joyce… what’s your plan? What is your vision? How will you deal with the housing crisis, the crisis in mental health, the chronic under-funding in our hospitals and schools and the threat of climate change?

Joyce: Oh… that’s easy. We’re going to spend billions of dollars on roads and irrigation.

Thinks: Okay… thanks for joining us today Mr Joyce.

Joyce: But Labour. Tax.

Thinks: Thank you Mr Joyce.


MyThinks has a look at some old statutes

In the wake of the Minister for Regulatory Reform – a Mr. Steven Joyce – announcing plans to remove a range of old or redundant legislation from the statute books, MyThinks has decided to have a quick squizz at some of the more obscure bits of legislation that have made it onto the books in recent years. 

Fences and Hedges Redistribution Act 1928 (No 37)

Following the great fencing shortage of 1927, the government of Gordon Coates decided it was necessary to take thousands of miles of fencing, hedges and balustrades from the major centres of Christchurch, Auckland and Morrinsivlle and move them to more rural locations. It was hoped the legislation would help deal with the massive problem of wandering stock on the country’s burgeoning road network. Unfortunately for Coates, the failure of this legislation, due to stock eating most of the hedges and children escaping from their city dwellings, caused his downfall and he was removed from office a few months after its enactment.

New Zealand Scoundrels, Cads and Bounders Act 1902 (No 1 (P))

 Following massive rises in the price of tweed fabric, there was a huge increase in the numbers of unsavoury rich people in the well-to-do Auckland suburbs of Parnell and Remuera. In order to try to quell the number of mustachioed idiots wandering the streets smoking giant cigars and quaffing expensive feijoa wine, Premier Richard Seddon ordered legislation be passed which would allow the government to send, “the rotten blighters back to the pantaloons shop to get some decent clothes and the barber for a shave.”

Drunk Gamblers Removal Act (1879 No 5 (P))

After a successful run on the Otago goldfields, many miners had pulled up their picks and moved to Dunedin. Known as the Edinburgh of the South, Dunedin became synonymous with heavy drinking, drug taking and hard-core dance parties, just like the Edinburgh of the North. Efforts to quell the drinking by sending in singing Quakers only exacerbated the situation. This led to several quakers being launched into the freezing waters of Port Charmers after a ceremonial catapult was stolen from a medieval reenactment group. Legislation was passed under urgency with George Grey turning the catapult onto the miners firing over 250 into the harbour one bleak winter night.