It is with great joy and an eye to my future job as National Party leader that I, Baroness Judith Collins, announce confidently and loudly that the New Zealand police will start investigating every single burglary committed in the country.
I am happy to announce that police numbers will rise to deal with the increased workload.
People have reported their concern that this increase in police numbers will lead to the money being stripped out of other areas of the police budget. I can categorically state here and now that this is definitely not happening.
No. We will be stripping the education and health budgets and selling state houses by the hundreds to fun my succession plan.
What does this mean for the average kiwi New Zealander?
With so many hundreds and hundreds of police investigating the many thousands of burglaries committed every year it is with great joy and hope that I predict your iPad and the car stereo that went missing two years ago will turn up safe and well in no time at all.
No more scouring TradeMe for months after a burglary to try to find your laptop. Just call the police and I reckon they’ll turn up, dust a bit of that icing sugar stuff on the broken window and your laptop will turn up quicker than you can say, “party vote National, electorate vote Collins.”
This is, indeed, a great day for the police, a great day for victims of crime and a great day for the Crusher.
Who would want to be an undercover police officer? You put your life on the line, you leave your home and family, you assume an identity, you live with people who are violent drug dealers in constant fear for your life, and then they start to suspect you.
Back in 2009, Nelson police targeted the Red Devils gang in the undercover Operation Explorer. Explorer resulted in more than 150 charges. That sounds like a great result to me.
Then the case got thrown out because Justice Collins decided the police had “broken” the “law” by forging some documents.
Now call me old-fashioned but I thought the whole point of a police investigation was to get a prosecution? If you put in all that time and money in you need to have some people in prison at the end of it. Surely?
Those poor Nelson police didn’t even get to crush a vehicle.
Police Assistant Commissioner Malcolm Burgess has said officers involved in breaking the law “were acting in the honest belief that their actions were legal because they were the police and the gang members were all really dodgy looking with tats and stuff.”
I agree with the police. It’s simply outrageous that people who have tattoos, beards, loud motorcycles and listen to 1980s Metallica albums are still out on the streets.
When will this utter nonsense end?
There are a couple of simple solutions. Parliament could amend the law to allow police to take the action deemed necessary to protect officers risking their lives. After all, if faked identity documents and even birth certificates can be used to provide a cover story for victims of domestic violence trying to escape their abusive psrtners, many people would say, what’s the difference with a faked search warrant? Or why can’t the police embezzle money from various organisations if it means realising more money for frontline officers? Or why can’t they taser hippies? Or perjure themselves? Or become drug dealers to try and clear out our bulging evidence rooms? Or give suspects the bash if they’re not cooperative? Or plant evidence if they don’t have quite enough for a prosecution and they’re pretty sure they’ve got the guy?
The difference is that some of those are allowed by law and some aren’t.
Sometimes the law really is an ass. This is one of them. We should change it.
It’s almost Christmas and without doubt, irrespective of religion, almost all Kiwis will enjoy some great time with our families.
All, that is, except those whose job it is to keep us safe, or if that doesn’t work, then to patch us up.
Not the great rock and roll band that tore up my airwaves in the late 70s and early 80s. No, I’m talking about the actual police.
The police will be dealing with all manner of domestic violence cases this festive season.
The worst day is Boxing Day.
With drinking having continued through the day and night before, it’s only going to be bad for kids and bad for any parent who gets in the way of drunken violence.
This week I met with the police. All of the police. I went around hundreds of police stations literally talking to thousands of police officers. Like a modern-day unbearded, female, non-Justice Minister Santa Clause, I sat them on my knee and asked them what they would like this Christmas.
Without a doubt, all of them said this one little sentence.
“We would like some guns, please.”
That made me think, and not because I’ve been in talks with a prominent United States side-arms manufacturer, but because I really, really care for our police.
Just think of it – they’re out there every day, putting their lives on the line with hardly anything to keep them safe. All to keep them safe from perpetrators of domestic violence are stab-proof vests, tasers, years of self-defence training, guns in the boots of their cars, and Armed Offenders Squad back up.
No wonder they need more guns.
Polling by the police association shows a different feeling from front-line police.
When asked the question, “Would you like to be armed with a hand-gun OR have to attend every domestic violence call-out dressed in a $2 shop sherrif’s outfit,” 97% of frontline cops said they would like the hand-gun.
That’s a clear and present majority.
I’m saying that if there is the slightest doubt as to safety, then police must be backed to protect both themselves and the public by being able to shoot the public.
As we find from the prevention first policy around recidivist family violence offenders, there’s nothing like being prepared with a deliciously powerful sidearm and an itchy trigger finger.
Until next week, do you feel lucky? Punk?