Collins: The poor poor

Hello. Judith Collins speaking. As you know I speak from the heart and I’m not afraid to say what I think people want to hear in order to become leader of the National Party.

This week I have been in the news over comments I made at the annual Police Association conference. I was taken completely out of context and I just wanted to set the record straight.

I was up there, looking stunning in a blue ensemble by Les Agriculteurs, and someone asked me a question about decreasing rates of child poverty and inequality. I was quoted as saying poverty was down to bad parenting and this is simply not true.

“Guns don’t kill people – I do”

What I said was that the poor were poor and they were poor because they made bad decisions. Take me for example. I didn’t want to be poor so I became a lawyer and then a politician and, thanks to kickbacks, very favourable speculative real estate conditions and marrying an exceedingly rich chap, I have landed on my feet.

The poor are completely free to this too.

If you are poor why not become a lawyer or a farmer or a doctor or something, rather than drive that rubbish truck or mooch on the dole? Then perhaps you could be an example to your children and they won’t turn into gang members or P dealers or whatever the criminal poor do these days.

I’m a lovely person. It’s a shame that people think I believe poor people are bad parents.

The poor are not bad parents. They are just bad people.

Thank you.

Kind regards,

Judith Collins, Leader-in-waiting, National Party.


The Great Flag Referendum

We here in the government care about a lot of stuff. From the ninth floor of the Beehive, our care trickles down to the masses like a failed economic experiment. Quite often we ask ourselves the hard questions. Like, for instance, how can we best care for our nation? What, as politicians and leaders, can we do to rise above partisan arguments about stagnant wages, unaffordable housing, and children with no shoes?

Why not have a referendum on the flag?

I mean, we in the government talk to a lot of people. Last week we talked to Brian waiting in line down at Work and Income. He told us he’d rather vote in a referendum than feed his kids. He asked us if there were any referendums currently planned. We were able to tell him yes. Yes there was. He was soooo excited. What a great bloke.

The flag referendum is a chance for New Zealanders from all across New Zealand to vote on which strip of material they thinks best represents New Zealand when people are talking about New Zealand in an outside of New Zealand context.

A flag is very important to a country’s mana. Canada, for example, has a fantastic flag. Two colours, in three strips with a picture of a leaf on it. What about the United States of America? All those stars and stripes. Don’t bother with Australia. They just copied us and put on an extra star.

We in the government think it’s important that we get a chance to change to a flag that more represents the corporate interests that we represent.

A flag is more than just a flappy thing at the top of a flag-pole. A flag is an ensign that tells the world, “Hey! Look at us!! We’re a country, god-damn-it!” It can also tell the world that this block of cheese, pound of butter, or pottle of yoghurt was produced with love in a country that prides itself on cosying up to the middle man – especially if that middle man as graduated up through the ranks and is now running the company/organisation.

What would you like to see more on your butter? A flag that was a quarter the flag of another country, or a flag that sort of looked a bit like the old flag with parts of the All Blacks flag on it?

Yes. That’s what we thought.

So when you are voting in the flag referendum this week, just remember that no matter what anyone else says, this government cares about you and that is why you deserve this chance of a lifetime.

Thank you and good afternoon.


H. M. Government.

Me Tolley; Me Angry

Me Tolley.

Tolley not happy. Tolley not happy with current system.

Tolley officials also grumpy. Tolley officials say Tolley have to do something. Tolley confused. Tolley do things all the time. Tolley ask officials for clarification. Officials point out Tolley shouting too loudly for no reason. Tolley growl louder. Tolley wipe dribble from chin.

Tolley demand answers.

Officials go away and come back later. Give Tolley white paper. White paper full of big words. Tolley ANGRY at big words. Tolley scream at officials. Officials cower behind potted plant. Tolley get least scared official to read white paper leaving out most big words.

Tolley now want to set targets. Targets good. Targets something to aim for. Targets are measurable. Targets make Tolley happy.

Tolley now happy.

Officials less scared.

Tolley smile. Tolley wipe drool of happiness from chin. Officials leave. Tolley look out door and see Parata. Tolley HATE Parata. Parata make Tolley look foolish with nice hair and big words.

Tolley now mad again.

Reaction to Labour’s education announcements

Hello there. Hekia speaking.

There’s been a lot of talk this weekend about things that are not me. I’ve been concerned. People are talking about Labour and their policy. This is very worrying for me. People should be talking National Party policy. We have some. I promise.

So when you’re looking at the Labour education policy it’s important to remember several things. I am going to outline those things for you now.

Firstly, everybody knows, following years of research by people I like to quote, that class size has absolutely no impact on learning outcomes for students. For example, if there was a school with say 7 teachers, and each of those teachers had the current class ratio of 1:28 that was increased, then nothing, if anything, would happen. Everybody knows that good teachers at all those schools in Mt Eden or Epsom or other places I’d like to live can handle a 1:30 or 1:32 ratio. As well as this, all those students in those schools do very well indeed. I’ve seen their national standards data and it’s quite arousing.

Secondly, Labour doesn’t know what it’s talking about. If you ask any parent across the country, they would much rather have their child attend school with heaps of other kids. I’ve been talking to many, many parents right across New Zealand and they all say to me that they would love their child to be in a class with 40 other excited and well-behaved learners. It’s a no brainer.

Thirdly, has Labour actually thought about the damage they will do to the teaching profession if they dispense with our Indoctrinating Educational Sycophants (IES) programme? We have worked incredibly hard, speaking at all relevant stakeholders and telling them that this will be the single most important thing we can do for our priority learners. Spending millions of dollars across the nation paying self-absorbed teachers outrageous bonuses for telling other teachers how to do a job they already know how to do is totally the way to go. That’s how the banking sector works and apart from the odd massive financial crisis / recession / severe depression from time to time, this form of top-down impositional management structure works perfectly well. I see no reason for there to be a dissimilar outcome when we apply this model to education.

Lastly, everybody knows the unions are behind this. They’ve always been against me. And what have I ever done to them? Nothing. That’s what. I work so very hard creating an education system that I think all billionaires would be proud not to send their children to and what do I get? Moaning and complaining from people who should know better.

I am a government minister. I’ve been on a board of trustees before. Apart from never having been a teacher or educational researcher or developer of educational policies based on years of research into best practice, I know EXACTLY what New Zealand learners need.

You ask anybody. It’s obvious New Zealand need an education system where huge profits are siphoned off from the taxpayer to private interests, where students are crammed in 40-45 to a class, and where they are tested twice-yearly against a set of arbitrary assessment benchmarks after which they are compared with other students / schools around them to make them feel more stupid and useless than they already do.

And Labour want to take this away from them. Appalling.

Rant over.

Hek x

New “Expert” Positions Created by PM

Prime Minister John Key has made what he called a “bold announcement” in his annual state of the nation speech, delivered yesterday to a packed conference room of paying guests.

In his speech, delivered yesterday to a packed room of paying donors, he outlined his plans for a dramatic reform of the parliamentary system.

Key said the international studies had shown the performance of the New Zealand parliament had been slipping for some time.

“In 2000, for example,” said Key, “our politicians were ranked fourth in the OECD’s study for achievement in politics, with only Malta, France and Luxembourg ahead of us. Now we’re ranked 23rd behind the likes of Chile, Fiji and the Central African Republic.”

Key went on to tell the packed conference room of special interest groups that it had fallen to his government to lift the achievement of New Zealand politicians. He announced plans for new positions of “expert politician” and “executive Prime Minister.”

“These positions,” he told the packed crowd of lobbyists and policy sponsors, “have been created to try to keep our very best politicians in parliament. Too often, in order to get promotions or to move up the pay scale, our politicians leave parliament for a plum job heading a state-owned enterprise or on the board of a small to medium business. The role of expert politicians will allow for politicians to stay in parliament, doing exactly the same job of passing legislation and working for their electorates, while receiving an extra $78,000 and having more days off.”

Key told the crowd the idea of an Executive Prime Minister came to him while he was golfing with President Obama in Hawaii on his annual $3.5 million holiday.

“Obama’s such a cool dude. He’s a brother, man. He’s my brother, man, you dig? I mean, he just starts talking and I want to listen. He can even do a high-5 without poking someone’s eye out. I could never be like that. Wouldn’t it be cool if we gave him a few million dollars to come over here and run New Zealand for a month. Wouldn’t that be cool. I mean, really cool, man, dude?”

The crowd of tobacco executives, casino operators and ACT leadership contenders applauded profusely at the Prime Minister’s use of the words dude and cool.

Critics have been cautiously optimistic about the Prime Minister’s announcement. “It’s good to hear him using the word cool a bit more,” said Helen Kelly of the CTU, “but he still sounds like a bit of a dick when he talks.”

“Sorry, I missed the question” said Mana Movement leader Hone Harawira, “I was thinking about how to deal with the quarter of a million Kiwi children who live in poverty.”

“I thought he sounded very, very sensual,” said Peter Dunne, the brand-new Associate Minister of Nothing Outside Cabinet.

Key said the policy would be phased in over a series of days and would be up and running by the end of the week.