PRESS RELEASE: Rt. Hon. Nick Smith, Cabinet Minister.
TO: Whomever will listen.
Still Minister for Lots of Things, Nick Smith, today welcomed the announcement from the Prime Minister that he would be losing his responsibilities for Crown land to Amy Adams. Bill English made the announcement at cabinet early on Monday afternoon.
“I have been working tirelessly for this National government,” says Dr. Smith, “in my attempts to create a situation where we can perhaps build several thousand constructions of a liveable standard for people who currently live in cars or motels or with their parents or out on the street.”
The minister was keen to point out how successful he had been.
“I have been very successful,” he said.
Dr. Smith was also keen to point out that his original plan with given the key role of Minister Responsible for Building All Sorts of Stuff on Spare Crown Land was to be so remarkably successful over such a short period of time that it would be unwise for any Prime Minister to keep him on in the role because the public might expect the government to display similar massive success in a range of other areas like the Christchurch rebuild or inequality.
“It would be unfair for me to put that kind of pressure on my friend and Prime Minister, Mr. Bill English,” he said.
Dr. Smith was also keen to point out his hugely successful Crown land plans for building houses on ancient cemeteries and that would definitely probably not turn out like it did with the Indian burial ground under Drew Barrymore’s house in Poltergeist.
“People love living in houses,” said Dr. Smith, “that’s a scientific fact. I say any home is home sweet home no matter where the house that home is in is situated. If I didn’t already own thirteen houses, I would be happy to live in that slightly darkened but not at all scary or haunted house if it was built for me close to but not directly on top of what could possibly have been an ancient burial ground.”
Dr. Smith was also keen to point out he had finished his press statement.
Hello and good afternoon on this fine kiwi afternoon in the afternoon. My name is Nick Smith and I am a minister. I’m not just any minister though. No. I’m Minister for the Environment. That’s a pretty big task when you think about all of the environment out there. There is loads of it and I am the minister.
Anyway… enough about me. Let’s talk about the environment that I’m the minister of.
This week, next to a West Auckland creek, I and my government announced plans to make 90% of our waterways swimmable by the time I’ve been dead for 17 years. Unfortunately there has been some confusion regarding the announcement and I wish to just clarify a few things about it.
Some people are actually suggesting that the government is just paying lipservice to this plan because we are not going to test all of the rivers and waterways around New Zealand. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Yes it is true that we are not testing some waterways that kiwis might swim in but that doesn’t mean we aren’t serious. We are deadly serious.
I’m not explaining myself very well. If we target 90% of rivers to be swimmable by the year 2040 we have to start measuring. We can measure everything so let’s say we measure 10% of our waterways at the start. 90% of that 10% isn’t very big so we’ve taken the 90% figure and just repeated it a lot because it makes us sound like we’re doing something.
When people say we aren’t aiming for 90% that is just plain false. I myself have said the words ninety and percent hundreds of times in the past week. So it must be true.
Please get in touch if you are still confused by me or anything associated with me.
Nick Smith is minister in the National government with responsibilities for the Environment and Making Overly Grand Announcements that Quickly Fall Apart Under Any Level of Scrutiny.
The National Party are buzzing today following the release of an infographic highlighting their move to deal with some of the challenges in the housing market.
The infographic, which details the number of dwelling consents issued in the year to September, has poured cold water over Labour’s plan to build thousands of new houses right across New Zealand.
“Nearly 30,000 consents is a massive number,” trumpeted Housing Minister Dr. Nick Smith using his well-worn mouth trumpet, “and all Labour have done is released a bit of paper saying what they’ll do. Our policies have produced 30,000 bits of paper. It’s those bits of paper that are going to protect hard-working kiwis from the elements.”
National have promised to release many more infographics in the coming days and weeks.
MyThinks has been fielding many questions about Nick Smith.
- “What’s happening with housing?”
- “Does Nick Smith know anything about any of his policy areas?”
- “Why does he look so shifty when he’s telling us what we should think?”
These are all fantastic questions, none of which we are going to answer here. Instead, MyThinks is giving Dr Smith a platform to outline his vision for the homeless people of New Zealand.
Hello New Zealand.
Look. There has been plenty of talk over the last couple of weeks or months about a so-called “housing crisis.” We all know that this is a complete load of nonsense. Just ask any of those National Party members of parliament who own a houses. There is absolutely no crisis.
A crisis happens when a hurricane hits or some disease wipes out a whole bunch of people.
You know, I remember back to my childhood when I was little. My parents used to take us away to various places around the country. We camped in tents and caravans. One time we even built our own bivvy out of sticks and a large tarp that Dad stole off one of the neighbours. These were some of the best days of my life. The best. I think back on those days with so much fondness. What a wonderful bunch of experiences my parents gave me.
And that’s what we are seeing here in New Zealand at the moment. Families around the country are having all these amazing and exciting adventures as they travel up and down the country looking for a place to rest for the night. They aren’t having a crisis, they’re having and experience.
If there’s a crisis of anything, it’s a crisis of fun.
(I’d also like to point out that, in the unlikely event that a New Zealand family gets down on their luck, WINZ are happy to step up and loan them up to $100,000 or more to stay in one of the many fantastic motels around the country. I used to love staying in motels when I was little. Imagine that… living in a motel on loaned money. Golden moments of family living.)
So, the next time you hear Andrew Little or Metiria Turei or some other hippy talking about the housing crisis that National caused, remember this: people in Africa would love to have a car roof over their heads.
Happy adventuring New Zealand and good luck in the budget, suckers.
Nick Smith, Doctor of Landslides.