A pre-election statement on behalf of the National Party

Hello and welcome to this statement from Me, John Key, your beloved prime minister.

I never ever see this guy or talk to him. I don’t even know who he is, let alone who is father is, or who Katherine Rich is (not pictured, allegedly {it’s actually quite the fashion to wear a t-shirt to a black-tie event}).

You know, it’s been a torrid couple of weeks on the campaign trail as the Labour Party leaders Kim Dotcom and Nicky Hager have peddled their mischief to New Zealand. I, for one, am not buying in to their left-wing conspiracy that somehow the New Zealand government, under my leadership, has changed the law for Warner Brothers, the FBI and the NSA, leaked SIS documents to bloggers, undermined public servants through the same blogger and broken a vast range of constitutional conventions.

Look, I haven’t read the book, but I can tell you this – it’s all lies. How do I know this? Well, Nicky Hager, working through hacked emails given to him by Kim Dotcom and Hone Harawira, emails that were stolen from someone working in my office who I have nothing to do with, emails that were written by people from the National Party who don’t have any association with the National Party, has taken things completely out of context.

At the end of the day, New Zealanders don’t care whether their government is corrupt or not. They care about the issues that matter. Health, education, the economy and selfies. I’m travelling the country at the moment and people everywhere are saying, “John! John!! Come over here. Can I get a picture??”

Who am I to go against the wishes of New Zealanders? Who am I to say, “No. I’m not going to get a selfie with you because Labour and Kim Dotcom say that I’m a corrupt liar.” What kind of prime minister would I be if I didn’t let people get a selfie with me? Helen Clark?

At the end of the day, we in the National Party believe the best thing to do for New Zealand and New Zealanders is absolutely nothing. That’s why we’re not releasing any policies. Even this week, with the release of our tax cuts policy, we’re not going to include any details. It’s important that New Zealanders don’t get their thoughts cluttered with unnecessary information. Even this week when we announce our policy on tax cuts we are not including any information about our policy on tax cuts. It’s that important to us that New Zealanders don’t have their minds confused by specific numbers or policy detail.

New Zealanders need to realise that if they are voting for Labour they are voting for the insane 6-headed monster of the Greens and ManaInternet. Which tail will be wagging that dog? New Zealanders need to vote for the strong, stable government and that’s what National and our partners ACT, UnitedFuture, the Maori Party, the Conservatives and New Zealand First can offer.

Thank you for listening.


PRESS CONFERENCE: Government Spokesperson

Good morning and hello to you. I’m an unnamed bureaucrat who has been banished to this press conference by the minister. He has asked me to read a statement regarding Kim Dotcom, followed by a period of time for some questions – questions I’m sure many of you have.

First the press release:

Wednesday 16 January, twenty fourteen. Wellington.

Recent releases of secret papers under the Official Information Act with regard to the residency application of one Kim Dotcom need to be clarified.

There is some suggestion that political pressure was put on the Immigration New Zealand over the application by the Internet millionaire and German fairy-tail giant Kim Dotcom. I have spoken to staff at Immigration New Zealand and they assure me that despite being quoted using the words political and pressure in the documents, this in no way indicates that political pressure was applied by the minister. Even though the minister has been unable to speak for a couple of days, I have spoken to him and through a series of hand signals and pictographs he was able to confirm that he didn’t do it.

With regards to the SIS giving in a mere 90 minutes after being told that Immigration New Zealand had no issues with Dotcom’s application, we don’t believe that to be significant. The Secret Intelligence Service has, for many years, prided itself on doing everything it possibly can in the protection of New Zealand’s interests. If doing nothing needs to be done, then that’s what they’ll do.

Statement ends. Ok… now I will take questions. Yes, you.

JOURNALIST: Did the FBI put pressure on you to grant Dotcom residency because they knew it would be much easier to extradite him to the United States from this country? Because that’s what it looks like to me and, I’m sure, everyone else in this room and around the country.

Ok… this is clearly a beltway issue and we really need to get back to the task of running the country on behalf of the government. Thanks for coming today. I direct all further questions to an underling who is yet to be appointed to the position. Thank you and good day.

Liar Liar Pants on Fire

Just before I get into a bit of afternoon work ahead of the new term, I thought I’d draw your attention to a little gem from our fabulously wealthy and truth-bending prime minister John Key.

Earlier this week TV3 released their latest opinion poll. As they do with many of their polls they tacked on a couple of “single issue” questions to gauge the nation’s interest / view.

This time their question asked whether they believed John Key or Kim Dotcom. This was in reaction to recent comments Dotcom made at the select committee looking into the changes allowing the GCSB to spy on all New Zealanders. At the hearing Dotcom suggested Key knew of him long before Key claims he did. Key continues to deny, deny, deny.

The survey found that around half (52%) of New Zealanders believe the German tech millionaire and just a third (34%) believed the prime minister.

Here’s the kicker. When Key was interviewed about this he said:

Any number of surveys taken during the year will show you that the public are quite sceptical about what politicians actually say, and I suspect there’s a bit of that built into those poll numbers.

No worries about noone believing him. No concern at the low regard people hold politicians in and what this means for our democracy.

If politicians know the public don’t believe a word they say then they will say just about anything – as this current National Party is showing us. It’s all lies and subterfuge.

It’s not the quarter of kiwi kids in poverty that are impacting on their educational outcomes. It’s the teachers. Just the teachers. Nothing else. Oh… and maybe we should give heaps of money to unproven charity/businesses who’ve never run schools in this country before to run some schools. That will definitely work.

Because it has in all the other countries where it’s been tried.

The great problem with all this is that nearly half of New Zealanders (49.5%) are still keen to vote Key and his government.

I just don’t understand it. Either we really love untrustworthy people we don’t believe OR we have less trust and faith in the other guy to take over.

No wonder a quarter of us can’t be bothered turning out to vote when this is the choice we’ve got.

Enjoy your first day of Term 3 teachies!

Mr B


Public Sides with Dotcom (video) – 3 News, 25 July, 2013.

Public Sides with Dotcom (text) – 3 News, 25 July, 2013.

Poll Shows Drop for Labour Again – 3 News, 21 July, 2013.