PRESS RELEASE: Rt. Hon. Nick Smith, Cabinet Minister.
TO: Whomever will listen.
Still Minister for Lots of Things, Nick Smith, today welcomed the announcement from the Prime Minister that he would be losing his responsibilities for Crown land to Amy Adams. Bill English made the announcement at cabinet early on Monday afternoon.
“I have been working tirelessly for this National government,” says Dr. Smith, “in my attempts to create a situation where we can perhaps build several thousand constructions of a liveable standard for people who currently live in cars or motels or with their parents or out on the street.”
The minister was keen to point out how successful he had been.
“I have been very successful,” he said.
Dr. Smith was also keen to point out that his original plan with given the key role of Minister Responsible for Building All Sorts of Stuff on Spare Crown Land was to be so remarkably successful over such a short period of time that it would be unwise for any Prime Minister to keep him on in the role because the public might expect the government to display similar massive success in a range of other areas like the Christchurch rebuild or inequality.
“It would be unfair for me to put that kind of pressure on my friend and Prime Minister, Mr. Bill English,” he said.
Dr. Smith was also keen to point out his hugely successful Crown land plans for building houses on ancient cemeteries and that would definitely probably not turn out like it did with the Indian burial ground under Drew Barrymore’s house in Poltergeist.
“People love living in houses,” said Dr. Smith, “that’s a scientific fact. I say any home is home sweet home no matter where the house that home is in is situated. If I didn’t already own thirteen houses, I would be happy to live in that slightly darkened but not at all scary or haunted house if it was built for me close to but not directly on top of what could possibly have been an ancient burial ground.”
Dr. Smith was also keen to point out he had finished his press statement.
The National Party are buzzing today following the release of an infographic highlighting their move to deal with some of the challenges in the housing market.
The infographic, which details the number of dwelling consents issued in the year to September, has poured cold water over Labour’s plan to build thousands of new houses right across New Zealand.
“Nearly 30,000 consents is a massive number,” trumpeted Housing Minister Dr. Nick Smith using his well-worn mouth trumpet, “and all Labour have done is released a bit of paper saying what they’ll do. Our policies have produced 30,000 bits of paper. It’s those bits of paper that are going to protect hard-working kiwis from the elements.”
National have promised to release many more infographics in the coming days and weeks.
Paula Bennett, the Minister of Social Housing and Sweet Burnouts, today welcomed the news that twelve families have taken up the government offer of $5000 to move out of Auckland.
Ms. Bennett has said it is early days but she says she is “pretty stoked” that just four weeks after the introduction of the policy a massive 0.08% of their target of 150 families had taken up the offer.
“This is great news,” said Ms. Bennett, “and we expect to reach our target by the year 2173.”
Ms. Bennett said she had no figures on the amount of those 12 families who had taken up the other government offer of $3000 to move back to Auckland.
Dear fellow Kiwis,
I’m sitting here in my Beehive office. It’s late in the week and I’ve got a few things on my mind. More than once this week I’ve been heckled, “Hey! It’s the new Nick Smith” by the press gallery. Sticks and stones may break my bones but names just break my heart.
Firstly, nobody in my office knowingly leaked the information about that guy at Te Puea marae. Yes some unsolicited words came out of my staff member’s mouth during a discussion with a journalist about road taxing in North Canterbury, but it was entirely in context and purely accidental. Earlier in the day we had had a short discussion in my office where I told everyone listening everything I knew about the police investigation. I can’t control what my people do after they leave my office. This was a mistake. Pure and simple. A mistake of media reporting the leak as a leak and not an exclusive government “source.”
All I have been working so hard this week trying to help people. I’ve been trying to help the long-term unemployed by modelling how people work hard by working hard to help people. I’ve been trying to help people leave my constituency office. I’ve been trying to help people find motel rooms. The work of a cabinet minister is never done.
You know, the thing that really gets in my craw, the most hurtful thing, is the fact the opposition have been calling me a liar. It’s so outrageous it’s laughable. I am not a liar. I never lie. I have never lied in all my years as a National Party politician. Never. Not once. I have only ever told the complete and utter truth. And the truth is this: I don’t lie. Ever.
Here are my learnings from this week:
- Don’t ever talk to people again.
- I’m not a liar.
- The opposition is mean.
- Some homeless people really like living in their cars (that’s actually a learning from 3 weeks ago when my flying squads sat in their offices and imagined what was happening to the people living in their cars before reporting back to me).
Thank you for listening to my plight New Zealand.
Hello Nu Zilnd! It’s your beloved prime minister here ready to get cracking on a brand-new year of political point scoring generally at the expense of others less fortunate than myself.
I have been quiet for a few weeks. Like you, I’ve been spending time at a multi-million dollar beach front house in Hawaii. Bronagh and I also crammed in a classic Californian road trip. You should’ve heard us belting out “Hello” on the freeway. No Prius had ever heard such a chorus.
I’ve come back to some fantastic news! Auckland is now in the top 5 for most unaffordable cities in the world to live. Top 5! C’mon Nu Zilnd! That’s almost number one!! I know we can do it.
I am aware, however, that there is a slight down side to housing unaffordablity. Some people, like cleaners, gardeners, waiting staff, actually many, many thousands of workers in the service sector along with nurses, care workers, teachers and doctors as well as thousands of self employed people can’t afford to live in unaffordable housing.
That’s a real shame because, as me and many of my cabinet colleagues know, owning unaffordable housing makes one very, very well off.
This is why the National government has a plan.
We want to be at number one on the housing unaffordablity ladder by the end of this parliament. Why should we languish in the lower reaches of the top 5 when we could be on top? I know my investment portfolio demands it.
We need cheaper interest rates, ridiculous speculation and above all else, a cabinet with their snouts so deeply embedded in the trough they are drowning in their own slops.
Now, this may sound short-sighted to some of those people I mentioned earlier (the poor ones, not my cabinet colleagues). Don’t worry. We have a solid plan for you.
Why not move to Ashburton? Or Mosgiel? Or Taumaranui? These are all places to live. Sure there may not be many jobs you want to do and sure you may be hundreds of kilometers away from your extended families, but what could be more exciting than a long car journey to a place where you could start work at the bottom of the fast food industry? Awesome, huh?
Anyway, I better go because I’m off to sign away New Zilnd’s sovereignty at the casino with a bunch of other gamblers.
Have a nice year!!