Tag Archives: housing

National Party release infographic on housing

The National Party are buzzing today following the release of an infographic highlighting their move to deal with some of the challenges in the housing market.

The infographic, which details the number of dwelling consents issued in the year to September, has poured cold water over Labour’s plan to build thousands of new houses right across New Zealand.

“Nearly 30,000 consents is a massive number,” trumpeted Housing Minister Dr. Nick Smith using his well-worn mouth trumpet, “and all Labour have done is released a bit of paper saying what they’ll do. Our policies have produced 30,000 bits of paper. It’s those bits of paper that are going to protect hard-working kiwis from the elements.”

National have promised to release many more infographics in the coming days and weeks.

Bennett stoked with uptake of $5000 by people

Paula Bennett, the Minister of Social Housing and Sweet Burnouts, today welcomed the news that twelve families have taken up the government offer of $5000 to move out of Auckland.

Ms. Bennett has said it is early days but she says she is “pretty stoked” that just four weeks after the introduction of the policy a massive 0.08% of their target of 150 families had taken up the offer.


“This is great news,” said Ms. Bennett, “and we expect to reach our target by the year 2173.”

Ms. Bennett said she had no figures on the amount of those 12 families who had taken up the other government offer of $3000 to move back to Auckland.

Paula Bennett’s open letter to New Zealand

Dear fellow Kiwis,

I’m sitting here in my Beehive office. It’s late in the week and I’ve got a few things on my mind. More than once this week I’ve been heckled, “Hey! It’s the new Nick Smith” by the press gallery. Sticks and stones may break my bones but names just break my heart.

Firstly, nobody in my office knowingly leaked the information about that guy at Te Puea marae. Yes some unsolicited words came out of my staff member’s mouth during a discussion with a journalist about road taxing in North Canterbury, but it was entirely in context and purely accidental. Earlier in the day we had had a short discussion in my office where I told everyone listening everything I knew about the police investigation. I can’t control what my people do after they leave my office. This was a mistake. Pure and simple. A mistake of media reporting the leak as a leak and not an exclusive government “source.”

All I have been working so hard this week trying to help people. I’ve been trying to help the long-term unemployed by modelling how people work hard by working hard to help people. I’ve been trying to help people leave my constituency office. I’ve been trying to help people find motel rooms. The work of a cabinet minister is never done.

You know, the thing that really gets in my craw, the most hurtful thing, is the fact the opposition have been calling me a liar. It’s so outrageous it’s laughable. I am not a liar. I never lie. I have never lied in all my years as a National Party politician. Never. Not once. I have only ever told the complete and utter truth. And the truth is this: I don’t lie. Ever.

Here are my learnings from this week:

  • Don’t ever talk to people again.
  • I’m not a liar.
  • The opposition is mean.
  • Some homeless people really like living in their cars (that’s actually a learning from 3 weeks ago when my flying squads sat in their offices and imagined what was happening to the people living in their cars before reporting back to me).

Thank you for listening to my plight New Zealand.

Kind regards,

Paula Bennett

Welcome to 2016!

Hello Nu Zilnd! It’s your beloved prime minister here ready to get cracking on a brand-new year of political point scoring generally at the expense of others less fortunate than myself.

I have been quiet for a few weeks. Like you, I’ve been spending time at a multi-million dollar beach front house in Hawaii. Bronagh and I also crammed in a classic Californian road trip. You should’ve heard us belting out “Hello” on the freeway. No Prius had ever heard such a chorus.

I’ve come back to some fantastic news! Auckland is now in the top 5 for most unaffordable cities in the world to live. Top 5! C’mon Nu Zilnd! That’s almost number one!! I know we can do it.

I am aware, however, that there is a slight down side to housing unaffordablity. Some people, like cleaners, gardeners, waiting staff, actually many, many thousands of workers in the service sector along with nurses, care workers, teachers and doctors as well as thousands of self employed people can’t afford to live in unaffordable housing.

That’s a real shame because, as me and many of my cabinet colleagues know, owning unaffordable housing makes one very, very well off.

This is why the National government has a plan.

We want to be at number one on the housing unaffordablity ladder by the end of this parliament. Why should we languish in the lower reaches of the top 5 when we could be on top? I know my investment portfolio demands it.

We need cheaper interest rates, ridiculous speculation and above all else, a cabinet with their snouts so deeply embedded in the trough they are drowning in their own slops.

Now, this may sound short-sighted to some of those people I mentioned earlier (the poor ones, not my cabinet colleagues). Don’t worry. We have a solid plan for you.

Why not move to Ashburton? Or Mosgiel? Or Taumaranui? These are all places to live. Sure there may not be many jobs you want to do and sure you may be hundreds of kilometers away from your extended families, but what could be more exciting than a long car journey to a place where you could start work at the bottom of the fast food industry? Awesome, huh?

Anyway, I better go because I’m off to sign away New Zilnd’s sovereignty at the casino with a bunch of other gamblers.

Have a nice year!!

JK xx

Labour: The House that I Built

Hello and greetings to you all. I am the Labour Party’s spokesperson on housing issues. There have been many housing issues recently and I wanted to talk about some of them.

Firstly, even though we have dropped the capital gains tax idea, we firmly believe that this might, or might not, reign in the rampant Auckland property market. Whether this policy makes it into law really does depend on whether the media keep giving us a hard time about it. Sometimes we think the media are unfair with their criticism, especially when they are criticising us.

Secondly, I was lucky enough to come into possession of some pretty startling figures on foreign-sounding people buying up New Zealand houses. We’ve done a bit if computer work and chucked some names on my list through the Commodore 64 at Labour HQ and I can tell you it makes pretty startling reading. Over 90% of Auckland home buyers have foreign-sounding names or names that are hard for me to say. There are but a small percentage with indigenous-sounding names like Iti or Paora or Henare.

Imagine having a foreign-sounding name AND being able to go out and buying a house.

This is startling.

What kind of world are we living in here? Some kind of tin-pot dictatorship?

This is startling.

I have hardly any houses so it concerns me that people are buying houses. What are the National government doing about it? Nothing. They are just making it easier for people with no houses to buy houses by going out there and showing people where there aren’t houses and telling them there should be houses there or something.

How can foreign-sounding people be allowed to own kiwi-sounding houses?

Mind you… people outside Auckland would probably like some capital gain on their house. Or jobs and stuff? Maybe we should let the market run? Perhaps I should spend time on that instead of trying to get votes back off Winston…?