Judith Collins rips into Labour over housing

Housing Spokesperson for the election-winning National Party, Judith Collins, has today ripped into the Labour coalition over its plans to create a new Ministry for Housing and Urban Development.

Collins, who appeared unafraid to mix even the most unrelated of metaphors, said Labour’s plan was window dressing on a pig that was shuffling deck chairs on the Titanic.

“It really is a pointless exercise,” said Ms Collins from her new, and very much smaller, opposition office, “and that little sweetie Phil Tryford will try anything, that’s why I call him, quite wittily I think you’ll agree, Phil Tryford. Geddit?”

Ms Collins said the Labour Party needed to take a leaf out of the previous National Government’s book.

“Labour are trying all these things like Kiwibuild, doing deals with Unitec, and now this new Housing Ministry,” said Ms Collins, “and they really should be looking at what National did while they were in power. Nothing. We had nine years in government and we did absolutely nothing to deal with the housing crisis. Sure, I can call it a crisis now, but back then it was a ‘challenge’ or an ‘issue’ or a ‘slight quandary.’ I suppose we did end up offering homeless people a stay in a nice motel, but that was only because there were lots of working people living in their cars talking on the news about how hard their lives were and that was making us look bad.

“Labour is doing far too much for housing,” said Ms Collins, “you’d think they were trying to solve the problem or something.”

The Labour Party and Phil Twyford were unavailable for comment because they were out doing things to solve the housing crisis.

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Nick Smith “exceedingly joyful”

PRESS RELEASE: Rt. Hon. Nick Smith, Cabinet Minister.

TO: Whomever will listen.

DATE: 24/04/2017

Still Minister for Lots of Things, Nick Smith, today welcomed the announcement from the Prime Minister that he would be losing his responsibilities for Crown land to Amy Adams. Bill English made the announcement at cabinet early on Monday afternoon.

“I have been working tirelessly for this National government,” says Dr. Smith, “in my attempts to create a situation where we can perhaps build several thousand constructions of a liveable standard for people who currently live in cars or motels or with their parents or out on the street.”

The minister was keen to point out how successful he had been.

“I have been very successful,” he said.

Dr. Smith was also keen to point out that his original plan with given the key role of Minister Responsible for Building All Sorts of Stuff on Spare Crown Land was to be so remarkably successful over such a short period of time that it would be unwise for any Prime Minister to keep him on in the role because the public might expect the government to display similar massive success in a range of other areas like the Christchurch rebuild or inequality.

“It would  be unfair for me to put that kind of pressure on my friend and Prime Minister, Mr. Bill English,” he said.

Dr. Smith was also keen to point out his hugely successful Crown land plans for building houses on ancient cemeteries and that would definitely probably not turn out like it did with the Indian burial ground under Drew Barrymore’s house in Poltergeist.

“People love living in houses,” said Dr. Smith, “that’s a scientific fact. I say any home is home sweet home no matter where the house that home is in is situated. If I didn’t already own thirteen houses, I would be happy to live in that slightly darkened but not at all scary or haunted house if it was built for me close to but not directly on top of what could possibly have been an ancient burial ground.”

Dr. Smith was also keen to point out he had finished his press statement.

ENDS

National Party release infographic on housing

The National Party are buzzing today following the release of an infographic highlighting their move to deal with some of the challenges in the housing market.

The infographic, which details the number of dwelling consents issued in the year to September, has poured cold water over Labour’s plan to build thousands of new houses right across New Zealand.

“Nearly 30,000 consents is a massive number,” trumpeted Housing Minister Dr. Nick Smith using his well-worn mouth trumpet, “and all Labour have done is released a bit of paper saying what they’ll do. Our policies have produced 30,000 bits of paper. It’s those bits of paper that are going to protect hard-working kiwis from the elements.”

National have promised to release many more infographics in the coming days and weeks.

Bennett stoked with uptake of $5000 by people

Paula Bennett, the Minister of Social Housing and Sweet Burnouts, today welcomed the news that twelve families have taken up the government offer of $5000 to move out of Auckland.

Ms. Bennett has said it is early days but she says she is “pretty stoked” that just four weeks after the introduction of the policy a massive 0.08% of their target of 150 families had taken up the offer.

Paula-Bennett

“This is great news,” said Ms. Bennett, “and we expect to reach our target by the year 2173.”

Ms. Bennett said she had no figures on the amount of those 12 families who had taken up the other government offer of $3000 to move back to Auckland.

Paula Bennett’s open letter to New Zealand

Dear fellow Kiwis,

I’m sitting here in my Beehive office. It’s late in the week and I’ve got a few things on my mind. More than once this week I’ve been heckled, “Hey! It’s the new Nick Smith” by the press gallery. Sticks and stones may break my bones but names just break my heart.

Firstly, nobody in my office knowingly leaked the information about that guy at Te Puea marae. Yes some unsolicited words came out of my staff member’s mouth during a discussion with a journalist about road taxing in North Canterbury, but it was entirely in context and purely accidental. Earlier in the day we had had a short discussion in my office where I told everyone listening everything I knew about the police investigation. I can’t control what my people do after they leave my office. This was a mistake. Pure and simple. A mistake of media reporting the leak as a leak and not an exclusive government “source.”

All I have been working so hard this week trying to help people. I’ve been trying to help the long-term unemployed by modelling how people work hard by working hard to help people. I’ve been trying to help people leave my constituency office. I’ve been trying to help people find motel rooms. The work of a cabinet minister is never done.

You know, the thing that really gets in my craw, the most hurtful thing, is the fact the opposition have been calling me a liar. It’s so outrageous it’s laughable. I am not a liar. I never lie. I have never lied in all my years as a National Party politician. Never. Not once. I have only ever told the complete and utter truth. And the truth is this: I don’t lie. Ever.

Here are my learnings from this week:

  • Don’t ever talk to people again.
  • I’m not a liar.
  • The opposition is mean.
  • Some homeless people really like living in their cars (that’s actually a learning from 3 weeks ago when my flying squads sat in their offices and imagined what was happening to the people living in their cars before reporting back to me).

Thank you for listening to my plight New Zealand.

Kind regards,

Paula Bennett