Some wonderings from John Key

I was in parliament the other day when it all suddenly hit me.

What if everyone thinks I’m a liar? What if the whole world thinks I’m just some kind of ponytail pulling weirdo who struggles to get out all the syllables of any word? What if people look at me and think, “hey… that guy has about as much substance as a closed-down glue factory.” What if, at the end of the day, this National government is yet another holding pattern until the next visionary injection of nation building from the great progressive thinkers of our age. What if all I’m remembered for is spending $26 million on a failed referendum nobody wanted, making a dick of myself on Letterman and allowing Murray McCully to be a minister again. But then someone passed me the latest focus group results so I stood up and offended half the population while misleading parliament.

So everything turned out ok in the end.


John Key: Look, people, there’s absolutely nothing, NOTHING, to worry about

Hello Nu Zilnd. My name is John Key and I am your leader.

Many things have been said this week about New Zealand spying on our Pacific neighbours. I am both saddened, outraged and nonplussed by the allegations.

Let me please refute them with a series of well thought out arguments that appear to be slightly if not utterly abusive.

  1. Even though the Kitterage report upheld many of the allegations outlined in the Dirty Politics book, none of those allegations are true and in fact, these allegations, which are also not true, are untrue.
  2. Nicky Hager is a well-known left-wing conspiracy theorist. I saw him one time at a conference of UFOlogists (the only reason I was there was due to the fact it was at Sky City and I needed to pick up 57 checks made out directly to the National Party so they didn’t appear on our annual returns). He was doing a Spock handshake with some guy wearing a Dungeons & Dragons t-shirt. Nerd.
  3. Hager doesn’t know what he’s talking about.
  4. The documents are old and completely out of date.
  5. Look, I’m not going to comment on operational matters. Not only would that break a long-standing convention, but it would also mean I’d be talking about stuff I don’t want to talk about.
  6. Unless I actually declassify documents to back up my argument and make myself look good.
  7. We need to monitor Kiribati because of all the anti-American terrorists who have made their lives there.
  8. I don’t have to tell you anything.
  9. Snowden is a hippy.
  10. ISIL.
  11. The guy who drove my diplomatic vehicle the other day was talking about the cricket and how well the Black Caps are going at the moment. I told him that I was at the cricket on Saturday when we thrashed the Ozzies.
  12. Golf with Obama.

So you can see, although I’m not willing to make any comment on these matters, there are plenty of reasons why we need to be carrying out mass data collection on our Pacific neighbours, even though we’re not doing it.



I am at a crossroads with this blog. Last year was quite confronting for reasonably thinking people such as myself disgusted with what the Beehive leadership was doing to our democracy.

Yet, as the many millions the National Party spend on daily polling of “ordinary” New Zealanders, it turns out that yes, indeed, the things they are most worried about are those everyday things like health, education, housing and stuff. Using the SIS to further the political ambitions of the governing party, not so worried about.

For National to receive nearly 50% of the party vote (of those people who voted, mind) is confusing at best. Voters either believe John Key and his party, or they trust his lies more than the lies of someone who hasn’t been elected yet.

It all really comes down to a few questions: what is the point? Am I just writing this blog to make myself feel better – to vent my fury by taking swipes at those people who I truly believe will ruin this country for most of us? Am I actually changing anything with my words? What does spending all this time and energy satirising and lampooning the establishment actually achieve? Am I wasting my time preaching to the converted?

Over the holiday period while spending time in Manapouri with the people I love it dawned on me that, despite some of my posts being full of a great amount of hilarity, the are rarely positive. That is, they are satirical pieces that, if they were on twitter and 140 characters or less, would probably be defined as trolling. Yes they are dressed up with all manner of gaggery and hilarious tomfoolery, but they are, none the less, a negative force.

At the end of the day, lampooning the National Party in this country will get you slated through Whale Oil, Kiwiblog and the sharp mind of Lord Steven Joyce, Grandmaster of the Everything.

Never will they engage in legitimate and reasonable argument with you if there’s any hint that your argument is legitimate and reasonable and on the moral side of the equation.

So again I say, what is the point?

If I put my time and energy into something more positive than trying bring down a disaster of a two-track government, then maybe I’ll be less outraged about everything.

Apathy is winning this race.

A brief commentary from John Key, Prime Minister


I’m not going to apologise. There’s nothing to apologise for. I have done nothing wrong.

Yes I suppose a few people in my office may have possibly been in contact with people in Camoron Slater’s office, but I had no idea this was happening. The report says as much.

You just have to read the report to understand how exonerating  it is. It clearly states that nothing at all has happened. I have never seen Camoron Slater. The National Party has never met Camoron Slater. The SIS does not get in contact with my office letting it know information that we’ve asked for to embarrass the leader of the opposition. Jason Ede has never rung up Camoron Slater and told him exactly what to write in his Official Information Act request which he’s then received immediately by email. Warren Tucker is not a member of the National Party.

This is clearly a smear by Nicky Hager. It’s an outrageous smear. I don’t even know Camoron Slater. How can I call someone I don’t know? Why would someone in my office call someone I don’t know? That just doesn’t make sense.

In fact, I have nothing to apologise for because I’ve never done anything. Nothing at all. I’ve never done anything. In fact, I’m yet to be born.

That is why I’m not going to apologise. I’ve done nothing wrong because I DON’T EXIST.

Thank you.

The 2014 election result

I have a few thoughts about the result last night. They are in no particular order so I’m just going to type them up and see how they fall.

  1. National appear to have won an outright majority despite being shown to be utterly corrupt with their constitutional machinations highlighted in Dirty Politics. Obviously New Zealand are taking John Key’s line that his massive right-wing conspiracy is actually a massive left-wing smear campaign. I suspect National and it’s allies will see this vote as an actual endorsement of how they are acting and the undermining of our constitutional conventions will continue unabated.
  2. National have succeeding in lumping Kim Dotcom in with the ‘left’ because of his association with Hone. Hone is gone, Mana is gone, and the left have not increased their vote. Dotcom is poison and a lot of people out there see him as a criminal trying to manipulate the New Zealand justice system (National are not ‘criminals’ because they haven’t been arrested yet). Labour knew this but the polling told New Zealanders they would need Mana to cross the line. People have stayed with National because of Dotcom.
  3. National were critical of Dotcom ‘buying’ the election. I wonder how many millions they have spent on their reelection. Why isn’t that considered buying an election? Because National do it?
  4. Has Labour suffered too much from trying to take out John Key? People love that millionaire banker. He’s one of them. I have absolutely no time for him but I have to admit he is one of the best politicians we have ever seen. A quietly ruthless everyman quick with the selfie and the withering schoolboy putdown of an opponent. He knows exactly how to play the game and we are all being played.
  5. Maybe New Zealanders, as a whole, are now only voting for things that affect them personally? Are we no longer that egalitarian society of fairness from the post-war baby boom generation that set John Key and his ministers up so well for their lives of success? Maybe New Zealanders no longer believe in thinking about the less fortunate? On Friday, a person I know who I thought was a bit more caring than this, suggested the ‘poor’ would have more money if they spent less on alcohol and cigarettes. I’m picking this is not an isolated feeling. It was still disappointing to hear.
  6. Labour are trying to attack Key for being this duplicitous character. However, if 50% of the public are willing to give their vote for him then they should move on to something else. As hard as it is for them not to attack someone who they see at the heart of, let’s call them questionable practices, if all of New Zealand love him then you’ll just be seen as playing the man not the ball. People won’t go over to your side because you attack the character of the leader of the other side. They will go to you when they are suffering, if they see a viable vision or if they are utterly sick of the governing party. I can’t see the latter happening any time soon.
  7. National now have a majority. They can do anything they want. Anything. Watch out if you’re a teacher, poor, and/or receiving a benefit. Your time is up. They don’t need any supporters now so they can totally do what they want. Whether their ‘reforms’ have time to bed in and begin hurting the middle classes before the next election we will have to wait and see. The other thing that might help the is Key resigning / being rolled. I suspect Crusher is waiting in the wings ready to spray old tea all over National at the first available opportunity.
  8. David Seymour and ACT are going to be utterly chewed up and spat out by this parliament.

We in the left a grieving for our democracy. I suspect the right will use this time to rub salt into our wounds with some of those classic schoolboy put-downs we all know and love.

Today utterly sucks.

Here’s a picture of the führer and his henchmen to remind you who’s in charge of where we are heading.