This week the Prime Minister expressed concern that a lot of young New Zealanders were failing pre-employment drug tests. MyThinks wanted to find out more about the PM’s thinking so we sent our young reporter Beatrice Appleford to interview National’s shiny new leader.
BEATRICE: Good afternoon Prime Minister. Thank you so much for letting me talk to you today.
BILL: It’s my absolute pleasure young lady.
BEATRICE: Yes. So… you said this week employers are telling you young kiwi job seekers are failing drug tests.
BILL: Yes. That is what I said.
BEATRICE: How do you know this.
BILL: Oh… many employers tell me.
BEATRICE: How many?
BILL: Quite many.
BEATRICE: So what sort of things are they telling you?
BILL: Oh… yes… lots of things. Many, many things.
BEATRICE: Yes, but do you have an example of the types of things they are saying to you?
BILL: Yes Oh… I see where you are coming from now… the types of things… Sorry. Sorry about that. Yes. I do.
BEATRICE: What are they?
BILL: What are what?
BEATRICE: The things the employers are telling you about the drug tests.
BILL: Oh… well… for example….I was in Te Kuiti visiting the Sir James Bolder Commemorative Toilets last week and this farmer came up to me and said he was struggling to find someone to hose out his cow shed. He said he’d just fired a young guy who would turn up to work in a Bob Marley t-shirt, eat a quinoa salad for lunch and listen to the reggae music on his Walkman. Clearly he was on drugs.
BEATRICE: How did the guy know? What testing was carried out?
BILL: The guy turned up to work in a Bob Marley t-shirt, ate quinoa salad and listen to the reggae music on his Walkman. Those are some pretty conclusive results.
BEATRICE: No they aren’t. They’re observations. Tests are done in a lab. By scientists.
BILL: Look. If someone listens to Bob Marley on his personal radiogram, you don’t have to be a rocket scientist to work out that person is smoking some sweet Mary Janes blunts like those guys from Cypress Hill or whatever. I don’t even know what a bong is, man. Stop cramping my scene.
BEATRICE: But I…
BILL: Thanks for coming in.
BEATRICE: Um… Thank you Prime Minister.
TRANSCRIPT: Phone call between President Donald J. Trump of the United States of America and Prime Minister Bill English of Southland.
BILL: Hello… Bill speaking
THE DONALD: Hey buddy. It’s The Donald here. How the hell are you?
THE DONALD: The Donald.
BILL: Sorry, who? Who is the Donald?
THE DONALD: Me. I am The Donald.
BILL: Yes. I know. But who is the Donald. Who are you?
THE DONALD (slightly agitated): Oh for chrissakes! I am The Donald. I am The goddam Donald?
BILL (long pause): Um… OK… and what is it that you do Mr.The Donald?
THE DONALD (quickly getting more agitated): I’m the goddam president!!
BILL: The president of what?
THE DONALD (seething with blind fury): The goddam President of the United States of America. You goddam idiot!!
BILL: Oh… that The Donald…
THE DONALD (utterly enraged): Yes I’m that The Donald. How many other Donalds are there?!!?!?
THE DONALD (apoplectic): What?!!!???!?
BILL: Donald Duck… that’s another Donald.
THE DONALD (psychoticly apoplectic): I don’t have to speak to you! I’m the king of the free world and your just a snivelling little shit from the boon docks. Shove it up your ass!!!
*slams phone down*
BILL (smiling): Snivelling indeed you orange racist.
Today on The Nation, the Finance Minister Bill English was interviewed about his government’s reaction to the housing crisis, homelessness and the general unwell-being of many New Zealanders. We at MyThinks got stuck in and whipped out the transcript of that interview. Here are the words of that transcript.
LISA OWEN: Good morning Mr English.
BILL ENGLISH: Good morning.
LISA OWEN: Let’s get right to it. Your government has come under fire in recent months over the number of New Zealanders who are being completely excluded from the housing market. How do you react to this?
BILL ENGLISH: Thank you, Lisa, but you have to remember that the National-led government increased the benefit by $25 last year. We were the first government to lift benefits in decades.
LISA OWEN: Yes, but how do you react to the many politicians, experts and ordinary New Zealanders saying you are not doing enough.
BILL ENGLISH: Yes, Lisa, you have to remember that the National-led government increased the benefit by $25 last year. We were the first government to lift benefits in decades.
LISA OWEN: But minister, that’s not really answering the question. How do you react to those who say you aren’t doing enough.
BILL ENGLISH: That’s simple, Lisa. You need to remember that the National-led government increased the benefit by $25 last year. We were the first government to lift benefits in decades.
LISA OWEN: Am I going to be able to get you to answer this question, Mr. English?
BILL ENGLISH: You totally are Lisa. The National-led government increased the benefit by $25 last year. We were the first government to lift benefits in decades.
LISA OWEN: What if I asked a different question?
BILL ENGLISH: It probably wouldn’t matter Lisa because you have to remember that the National-led government increased the benefit by $25 last year. We were the first government to lift benefits in decades.
LISA OWEN: What about sausages? Do you like sausages?
BILL ENGLISH: That depends on what flavour Lisa. You must remember that the National-led government increased the benefit by $25 last year. We were the first government to lift benefits in decades. $25 is a lot of sausages.
LISA OWEN: Are you embarrassed that you can only say one thing at the moment, minister?
BILL ENGLISH: Not really, Lisa. You should really take the time to remember that the National-led government increased the benefit by $25 last year. We were the first government to lift benefits in decades.
LISA OWEN: Well, minister, unfortunately that’s all we have time for today. Thank you Bill English.
BILL ENGLISH: Thank you, Lisa, for giving me the chance to remind you and all your viewers that the National-led government increased the benefit by $25 last year. We were the first government to lift benefits in decades.
Deputy Prime Minister and the government’s chief financial guru Bill English has today said New Zealand is a great place to be poor. The former member for the Southland town of Grrrr has been praised for his pragmatic view of New Zealand’s strugglers.
English, commenting on recent figures that showed the top 10% of New Zealand earners own 60% of the country’s wealth, denied the country was becoming more and more unequal.
“Sure people are struggling out there,” Mr. English told a well-paid non-journalist from Newstalk ZB, “but you have to remember there are plenty of jobs out there for people who want them.”
When asked where all these jobs were, Mr. English simply replied, “out there.”
And it’s true. When MyThinks went looking we found plenty of jobs throughout the solar system. If you travel through the astroid belt, past Jupiter and out to Saturn you’ll find loads of well-paying jobs. Jobs just sitting there waiting to be done.
Mr. English is correct when he said there are loads out there. There are. Loads. On Saturn.
The Finance Minister also reported he was concerned that some people were also living in their cars. English said they shouldn’t worry because there are plenty of houses out there if people want them. All they have to do is spend a little bit of time hunting. Sure they might not be in exactly the places they want but, as Mr. English says, they’re out there.
MyThinks went looking and sure enough, if you keep travelling out past Saturn all the way to Pluto you will find some of the nicest affordable homes there are. The commute is slightly problematic, but when you consider Pluto is 7.5 billion kilometres from Earth, and it can take longer to get from Mt. Wellington to Henderson at 3pm on a Friday, a $250,000 house on Pluto is a very enticing opportunity for car dwellers.
So there you have it. According to Bill English, New Zealand is a fantastic place to be poor. And according to some quick (and slightly expensive) research from MyThinks, Saturn and Pluto are also wonderful places for the poor.
There you have it.
The minister walked tentatively in to the room. He felt alone, watched, exposed. He could feel many, many eyes staring and hoping. His gazed moved slowly around the room. So many optimistically buoyant members of the press all wanting one thing and one thing only.
The hot, dirty hands of the surplus had eluded the minister for so very long. On more than one occasion he had thought to himself, if only… If only we hadn’t given out all those tax cuts. We could’ve been…
He shook those thoughts from his mind.
“Good afternoon,” he announced in his gruff but sensual Dipton accent.
An audible gasp could be heard as the many gathered political editors as they tensed in collective anticipation.
“It is with great pleasure,” he continued, “that I can announce a small, modest but highly arousing budget surplus.”
Another audible gasp permeated the small conference room. Some of the gasps evolved into extended moans of pleasure, or gémissements d’extase, as the Undersecretary of Finance breathlessly noted.
The Prime Minister, fresh from a secret donor meeting in a nearby cupboard suddenly danced into the room offering everyone present a tax cut. The minister was aghast and incredulous. All his hard work, all his many hours massaging the figures, burning the late-night oil with his hard-working and dedicated team of treasury accountants had gone in a puff of prime-ministerial jibber-jabber.
“Have you seen my son’s latest Instagram,” continued the Prime Minister.
There were more groans from the press gallery – this time none were remotely pleasurable. Any highly charged atmosphere that remained in the room following the entry of the esteemed leader had now well and truly dissipated.
The minister had nothing further to say, so excusing himself from the podium, he quickly left the room returning to his palatial suburban home courtesy of a late-model diplomatic BMW to feed his chicken.