PADRE: Hello my child.
BILL: Forgive me father for I have sinned. It’s been one week since my last confession.
PADRE: Go on my son.
BILL: I must ask for forgiveness for I have committed sins against others.
PADRE: How have you sinned against others?
BILL: Well, father… when I was asked about Labour’s tax policy… I said they were going to increase income tax.
PADRE: And were they going to increase income tax?
BILL: No… it’s just that they weren’t going to decrease income tax.
PADRE: But you have apologised for the lie my son?
BILL: Oh no… I doubled down father.
PADRE: Doubled down my child?
BILL: Yes father. I lied about lying.
PADRE: Lied about lying?
BILL: Yes. When they asked me whether I was lying about the tax I said I wasn’t lying about the tax.
PADRE: I see… well that’s only two small lies my son.
BILL: Oh no…. there’s more father. I’ve also lied about Labour’s budget having an $11 billion hole.
PADRE: And does it?
PADRE: Are there any amounts of missing spending? Are there any holes in their budget?
BILL: Just the ones on the side so you can pop it into a ring binder.
PADRE: Well. That kind of lying is not desirable. A good Catholic must always endeavour tell the tru….
BILL: …I haven’t finished yet…
PADRE: Oh for Christ’s sake…
BILL: …I’ve also lied about my involvement with the Todd Barclay thing. First I said I didn’t know anything about it, then it turned out I did know loads about it because I’d texted my friend 450 times. Then I lost those texts after I accidentally deleted them after someone told me to. And I’m still telling people it’s an employment dispute I never really had anything to do with – even when they ask me what I did with all the texts.
PADRE: I’m not sure you should say anymore. Congregational privilege only extends so far my son.
BILL: But I’ve got so much more to say. You should have seen the stuff we got up to when John Key was around.
PADRE: I don’t want to know!
BILL: But father…. I must confess. This is my chance to atone. What must I do to atone for my sins?
PADRE: You could start by pulling the lid down on all these lies. The lies must stop. Now.
BILL: But… I’m the leader of the National Party… I can’t lead that party without being able to lie constantly about all of our policies, plans and all the stuff we’ve done or haven’t done.
PADRE: Well… Okay then. After all… this is the Catholic Church. We didn’t get where we are today without being allowed to wash away our responsibilities with 4 hail Mary’s and a small donation to the church.
BILL: How much do you need father?
PADRE: Well… the church roof legal fund….
BILL: How much?
PADRE: Forty-eight thousand, six hundred and forty-seven dollars and sixty-eight cents. Roughly.
BILL: Done and done.
PADRE: Very well then my child. Remember to say your penance and thank God for the Sacrament of Penance. And do you promise not to lie again?
PADRE: Was that a lie.
PADRE: Oh God….
This week the Prime Minister expressed concern that a lot of young New Zealanders were failing pre-employment drug tests. MyThinks wanted to find out more about the PM’s thinking so we sent our young reporter Beatrice Appleford to interview National’s shiny new leader.
BEATRICE: Good afternoon Prime Minister. Thank you so much for letting me talk to you today.
BILL: It’s my absolute pleasure young lady.
BEATRICE: Yes. So… you said this week employers are telling you young kiwi job seekers are failing drug tests.
BILL: Yes. That is what I said.
BEATRICE: How do you know this.
BILL: Oh… many employers tell me.
BEATRICE: How many?
BILL: Quite many.
BEATRICE: So what sort of things are they telling you?
BILL: Oh… yes… lots of things. Many, many things.
BEATRICE: Yes, but do you have an example of the types of things they are saying to you?
BILL: Yes Oh… I see where you are coming from now… the types of things… Sorry. Sorry about that. Yes. I do.
BEATRICE: What are they?
BILL: What are what?
BEATRICE: The things the employers are telling you about the drug tests.
BILL: Oh… well… for example….I was in Te Kuiti visiting the Sir James Bolder Commemorative Toilets last week and this farmer came up to me and said he was struggling to find someone to hose out his cow shed. He said he’d just fired a young guy who would turn up to work in a Bob Marley t-shirt, eat a quinoa salad for lunch and listen to the reggae music on his Walkman. Clearly he was on drugs.
BEATRICE: How did the guy know? What testing was carried out?
BILL: The guy turned up to work in a Bob Marley t-shirt, ate quinoa salad and listen to the reggae music on his Walkman. Those are some pretty conclusive results.
BEATRICE: No they aren’t. They’re observations. Tests are done in a lab. By scientists.
BILL: Look. If someone listens to Bob Marley on his personal radiogram, you don’t have to be a rocket scientist to work out that person is smoking some sweet Mary Janes blunts like those guys from Cypress Hill or whatever. I don’t even know what a bong is, man. Stop cramping my scene.
BEATRICE: But I…
BILL: Thanks for coming in.
BEATRICE: Um… Thank you Prime Minister.
TRANSCRIPT: Phone call between President Donald J. Trump of the United States of America and Prime Minister Bill English of Southland.
BILL: Hello… Bill speaking
THE DONALD: Hey buddy. It’s The Donald here. How the hell are you?
THE DONALD: The Donald.
BILL: Sorry, who? Who is the Donald?
THE DONALD: Me. I am The Donald.
BILL: Yes. I know. But who is the Donald. Who are you?
THE DONALD (slightly agitated): Oh for chrissakes! I am The Donald. I am The goddam Donald?
BILL (long pause): Um… OK… and what is it that you do Mr. The Donald?
THE DONALD (quickly getting more agitated): I’m the goddam president!!
BILL: The president of what?
THE DONALD (seething with blind fury): The goddam President of the United States of America. You goddam idiot!!
BILL: Oh… that The Donald…
THE DONALD (utterly enraged): Yes I’m that The Donald. How many other Donalds are there?!!?!?
THE DONALD (apoplectic): What?!!!???!?
BILL: Donald Duck… that’s another Donald.
THE DONALD (psychoticly apoplectic): I don’t have to speak to you! I’m the king of the free world and your just a snivelling little shit from the boon docks. Shove it up your ass!!!
*slams phone down*
BILL (smiling): Snivelling indeed you orange racist.
Today on The Nation, the Finance Minister Bill English was interviewed about his government’s reaction to the housing crisis, homelessness and the general unwell-being of many New Zealanders. We at MyThinks got stuck in and whipped out the transcript of that interview. Here are the words of that transcript.
LISA OWEN: Good morning Mr English.
BILL ENGLISH: Good morning.
LISA OWEN: Let’s get right to it. Your government has come under fire in recent months over the number of New Zealanders who are being completely excluded from the housing market. How do you react to this?
BILL ENGLISH: Thank you, Lisa, but you have to remember that the National-led government increased the benefit by $25 last year. We were the first government to lift benefits in decades.
LISA OWEN: Yes, but how do you react to the many politicians, experts and ordinary New Zealanders saying you are not doing enough.
BILL ENGLISH: Yes, Lisa, you have to remember that the National-led government increased the benefit by $25 last year. We were the first government to lift benefits in decades.
LISA OWEN: But minister, that’s not really answering the question. How do you react to those who say you aren’t doing enough.
BILL ENGLISH: That’s simple, Lisa. You need to remember that the National-led government increased the benefit by $25 last year. We were the first government to lift benefits in decades.
LISA OWEN: Am I going to be able to get you to answer this question, Mr. English?
BILL ENGLISH: You totally are Lisa. The National-led government increased the benefit by $25 last year. We were the first government to lift benefits in decades.
LISA OWEN: What if I asked a different question?
BILL ENGLISH: It probably wouldn’t matter Lisa because you have to remember that the National-led government increased the benefit by $25 last year. We were the first government to lift benefits in decades.
LISA OWEN: What about sausages? Do you like sausages?
BILL ENGLISH: That depends on what flavour Lisa. You must remember that the National-led government increased the benefit by $25 last year. We were the first government to lift benefits in decades. $25 is a lot of sausages.
LISA OWEN: Are you embarrassed that you can only say one thing at the moment, minister?
BILL ENGLISH: Not really, Lisa. You should really take the time to remember that the National-led government increased the benefit by $25 last year. We were the first government to lift benefits in decades.
LISA OWEN: Well, minister, unfortunately that’s all we have time for today. Thank you Bill English.
BILL ENGLISH: Thank you, Lisa, for giving me the chance to remind you and all your viewers that the National-led government increased the benefit by $25 last year. We were the first government to lift benefits in decades.
Deputy Prime Minister and the government’s chief financial guru Bill English has today said New Zealand is a great place to be poor. The former member for the Southland town of Grrrr has been praised for his pragmatic view of New Zealand’s strugglers.
English, commenting on recent figures that showed the top 10% of New Zealand earners own 60% of the country’s wealth, denied the country was becoming more and more unequal.
“Sure people are struggling out there,” Mr. English told a well-paid non-journalist from Newstalk ZB, “but you have to remember there are plenty of jobs out there for people who want them.”
When asked where all these jobs were, Mr. English simply replied, “out there.”
And it’s true. When MyThinks went looking we found plenty of jobs throughout the solar system. If you travel through the astroid belt, past Jupiter and out to Saturn you’ll find loads of well-paying jobs. Jobs just sitting there waiting to be done.
Mr. English is correct when he said there are loads out there. There are. Loads. On Saturn.
The Finance Minister also reported he was concerned that some people were also living in their cars. English said they shouldn’t worry because there are plenty of houses out there if people want them. All they have to do is spend a little bit of time hunting. Sure they might not be in exactly the places they want but, as Mr. English says, they’re out there.
MyThinks went looking and sure enough, if you keep travelling out past Saturn all the way to Pluto you will find some of the nicest affordable homes there are. The commute is slightly problematic, but when you consider Pluto is 7.5 billion kilometres from Earth, and it can take longer to get from Mt. Wellington to Henderson at 3pm on a Friday, a $250,000 house on Pluto is a very enticing opportunity for car dwellers.
So there you have it. According to Bill English, New Zealand is a fantastic place to be poor. And according to some quick (and slightly expensive) research from MyThinks, Saturn and Pluto are also wonderful places for the poor.
There you have it.