Category Archives: New Zealand

Metiria Turei and her admission of being a real live human being

This week much has been made of the Greens co-leader welfare announcement. Metiria Turei admitted while she was on a benefit she withheld information about her living situation from WINZ  in order to receive more money. We thought it was important to get the thoughts of our alt-right correspondent Richard Sevenhouses who, being a white middle-aged male, has much experience with and many opinions about the poor in general. Over to you Dick.

I. Am. Outraged. OUTRAGED. I have not seethed this much since Helen Clark threatened to tell me how to illuminate my lounge or shower my body. OUTRAGED!!

This week Metiria Turei has said that she ripped off those wonderful people at Work and Income New Zealand to the tune of hundreds of dollars. HUNDREDS. Did I mention that I am outraged? OUTRAGED. It turns out she’s being lying ever since. Lying. LYING.



What she has done is nothing short of a war crime. Well… it’s not actually a war crime, but it is pretty much at the same level as one. That’s how I feel. I feel like she has walked up to me, reached deep into my trouser pocket, slowly removed my wallet, disgorged its contents into her purse and then run off to the nearest shops to spend all my money on booze, smokes, and lotto before shoving whatever is left into the pokies.

You know, we live in a society. We all have to do our bit. Pay our way. You can’t just go around stealing off the taxpayer. It’s theft. Lying to the government about your finances is fraud, pure and simple. SIMPLE.

It is certainly a very sad day for my beloved New Zealand when half the country is celebrating such a flagrant disregard for the rule of law.

Now if you’ll excuse me I’m off to meet with my accountant to discuss putting my business and the family home into a trust so my son can get a student allowance when he starts university next year.


John Key talks about dinner

Hullo New Zlnd.

I am your beloved prime minister and all-round deliverer of things to you. Unless you are on the benefit or live in one of those Housing NZ houses with the awesome views up near my place inRemuera.

Mr Key and Mr Liu

Mr Key and Mr Liu (Jamie Lee Ross cropped)

I thought it was important that I set the record straight following a few allegations that have been made by one of the main Saturday papers this morning.

I’d like to categorically state, for the record, as your beloved prime minister, I have never taken any money that would be classed as “dirty” by those people who can’t win elections like me. Have you seen? I’ve won heaps of elections.

I suppose the most worrying thing about all of these misplaced accusations is that they are absolutely and totally wrong. I have many dinners with many people that give me many hundreds of thousands of dollars. I can’t be expected to remember all of them.

It’s also important to point out that although there was a donation of $25,000 made to the National Party by Mr Liu, the donation was not made to me as the prime minister, but to the management trust that is responsible for masking where the National Party’s donations actually come from and how vast they are. I was attending in my capacity as the leader of the National Party, not as the PM, so I think we can agree that that’s all ok.

I’d also point out that Jamie Lee Ross has actually paid the donation back out of his own pocket so not only do the National Party win on the deal but Jamie can claim that back due to the fact that for people like us tax is only really an optional extra.

The other thing that needs to be pointed out is this: dinner is a very important meal. If you don’t eat dinner then you get hungry around 10pm and end up eating toast or biscuits or chocolate or other rubbish. Mr Liu realised this and invited me around for my tea. It was a delicious mixture of traditional Chinese cuisine and $100 notes in brown envelopes.

I hope that’s cleared everything up.

Bring on the Northland by-election.



I am at a crossroads with this blog. Last year was quite confronting for reasonably thinking people such as myself disgusted with what the Beehive leadership was doing to our democracy.

Yet, as the many millions the National Party spend on daily polling of “ordinary” New Zealanders, it turns out that yes, indeed, the things they are most worried about are those everyday things like health, education, housing and stuff. Using the SIS to further the political ambitions of the governing party, not so worried about.

For National to receive nearly 50% of the party vote (of those people who voted, mind) is confusing at best. Voters either believe John Key and his party, or they trust his lies more than the lies of someone who hasn’t been elected yet.

It all really comes down to a few questions: what is the point? Am I just writing this blog to make myself feel better – to vent my fury by taking swipes at those people who I truly believe will ruin this country for most of us? Am I actually changing anything with my words? What does spending all this time and energy satirising and lampooning the establishment actually achieve? Am I wasting my time preaching to the converted?

Over the holiday period while spending time in Manapouri with the people I love it dawned on me that, despite some of my posts being full of a great amount of hilarity, the are rarely positive. That is, they are satirical pieces that, if they were on twitter and 140 characters or less, would probably be defined as trolling. Yes they are dressed up with all manner of gaggery and hilarious tomfoolery, but they are, none the less, a negative force.

At the end of the day, lampooning the National Party in this country will get you slated through Whale Oil, Kiwiblog and the sharp mind of Lord Steven Joyce, Grandmaster of the Everything.

Never will they engage in legitimate and reasonable argument with you if there’s any hint that your argument is legitimate and reasonable and on the moral side of the equation.

So again I say, what is the point?

If I put my time and energy into something more positive than trying bring down a disaster of a two-track government, then maybe I’ll be less outraged about everything.

Apathy is winning this race.

New standards announced for politicians

After an exhaustive inquiry following the release of Dirty Politics during the 2014 election campaign, the office of the Speaker has released some new national standards for politicians.

The Right Honourable David Carter, Speaker of the New Zealand Parliament, today released a raft of new standards that he says politicians will have to meet if they wish to stay in parliament. Contained within the release are a list of behaviours politicians will now be measured against. The measurements will be made through a range of tests to be carried out by carefully trained individuals with results then being immediately released to the media so politicians can be ranked on the basis of these arbitrary scores.

A “how to” list for new politicians has been released to the media and as we are a blog and full of many, many hard-hitting newly labelled journalists, we can now print that list for you because, after all, modern journalism is all about the cut and paste.

Behaviours: (to be shown within the first 6 months of commencing the new parliamentary term)

  1. Lying: with the electorate so strongly voting for a coalition led by liars it’s important that any new politician exhibits this behaviour as soon as possible. There are many ways to lie. Take a leaf out of the Prime Minister’s book, for example, and either forget everything that ever happens to you or, as he more often does, start with a slight mis-truth and then either get nearer to or further away from the truth depending on the questions being asked by your media chums.
    • Measurement (metaphorical): extremely flammable trousers, extended proboscises.
  2. Nepotism: with so many jobs in the office of any incoming politicians it’s important to remember the best place to find people to fill these vacancies is within your own family.
    • Measurement (actual): one family member – 5 points; two family members – 15 points; three or more family members – 25 points and a select committee posting.
  3. Conflicts of Interest: as many politicians come to parliament having engaged in a vast range of business activities. It’s important for new politicians to protect and even enhance their interests whilst in parliament (who knows when you might be voted out – particularly if you’re a list MP or used to be in the Shipley government). If, for example, you have vast interests in an irrigation company, it is considered extremely wise to ingratiate yourself with the Minister for Primary Industries. Better yet, become the Minister for Primary Industries. The closer you can be to the decision-making process, the more likely you are to have a positive influence on decisions being made that could impact upon your business and the un-taxed income of your family.
    • Measurement (metaphorical): fingers in pies.
  4. Bullying: having set the standard for all politicians over the last term, National Party leadership team John Key and Steven Joyce have made names for themselves through their ability to sidestep a range of thorny issues by calling the person disagreeing with them an idiot, a fruit loop, loopy, a dork, an egg, and egg-burger, a nerd, a dufus, a dingus, a knob, a muppet, a halfwit, a nincompoop, an imbecile, a simpleton, a clod, or a dullard. Or a moron. If you can call someone enough names enough times during a debate in parliament, or during a press conference following the release of a damning report of some kind, it is believed that you will be praised throughout the right-wing blogosphere. Get them on side and you will either become hugely successful for a short number of years because of a terminatory nick-name or be ruined. Or both.
    • Measurement (actual): how many times you can use the phrase, “Shut up, you dick” during a parliamentary debate.

The new national standards for politicians will be in place across the course of the current parliament.

A pre-election statement on behalf of the National Party

Hello and welcome to this statement from Me, John Key, your beloved prime minister.

I never ever see this guy or talk to him. I don’t even know who he is, let alone who is father is, or who Katherine Rich is (not pictured, allegedly {it’s actually quite the fashion to wear a t-shirt to a black-tie event}).

You know, it’s been a torrid couple of weeks on the campaign trail as the Labour Party leaders Kim Dotcom and Nicky Hager have peddled their mischief to New Zealand. I, for one, am not buying in to their left-wing conspiracy that somehow the New Zealand government, under my leadership, has changed the law for Warner Brothers, the FBI and the NSA, leaked SIS documents to bloggers, undermined public servants through the same blogger and broken a vast range of constitutional conventions.

Look, I haven’t read the book, but I can tell you this – it’s all lies. How do I know this? Well, Nicky Hager, working through hacked emails given to him by Kim Dotcom and Hone Harawira, emails that were stolen from someone working in my office who I have nothing to do with, emails that were written by people from the National Party who don’t have any association with the National Party, has taken things completely out of context.

At the end of the day, New Zealanders don’t care whether their government is corrupt or not. They care about the issues that matter. Health, education, the economy and selfies. I’m travelling the country at the moment and people everywhere are saying, “John! John!! Come over here. Can I get a picture??”

Who am I to go against the wishes of New Zealanders? Who am I to say, “No. I’m not going to get a selfie with you because Labour and Kim Dotcom say that I’m a corrupt liar.” What kind of prime minister would I be if I didn’t let people get a selfie with me? Helen Clark?

At the end of the day, we in the National Party believe the best thing to do for New Zealand and New Zealanders is absolutely nothing. That’s why we’re not releasing any policies. Even this week, with the release of our tax cuts policy, we’re not going to include any details. It’s important that New Zealanders don’t get their thoughts cluttered with unnecessary information. Even this week when we announce our policy on tax cuts we are not including any information about our policy on tax cuts. It’s that important to us that New Zealanders don’t have their minds confused by specific numbers or policy detail.

New Zealanders need to realise that if they are voting for Labour they are voting for the insane 6-headed monster of the Greens and ManaInternet. Which tail will be wagging that dog? New Zealanders need to vote for the strong, stable government and that’s what National and our partners ACT, UnitedFuture, the Maori Party, the Conservatives and New Zealand First can offer.

Thank you for listening.