A plan so cunning you could pin a tail on it and call it a weasel

This week the Labour government, in its infinite wisdom, decided we’d all had enough of them spending billions of dollars helping out large multi-nationals pay their wage bill during Covid, they decided on a completely new course of action.

This week Labour announced an austerity plan. And what a plan it was. Who better to target with austerity, not said multi-nationals who famously enjoy paying dividends to their tax-haven based headquarters, but the very people who have been keeping New Zealand pretty much free of the pandemic.

Sure there was the odd slip up here and there as the virus got out, but we need to remember, this is a microbe. We can’t see it. It’s very hard to put bouncers at the door of a managed isolation facility to stop something invisible. Just try telling that to the National Party caucus room. A WhatsApp ‘leakers’ group is very hard to stop, and technically invisible.

So Labour has told all the cleaners, nurses, doctors, managed isolation officers, defense force workers and any other public sector workers earning over the magical unicorn figure of $60,000 they will be getting nout over the next three years.

What genius in the Beehive decided this was a great idea? Winston isn’t even there to blame any more.

We at MyThinks have had a bit of a guess here in the office as to what might be going on. We’ve come up with a number of possibilites…

U-Turns are frowned upon in politics. Unless you are a Tory, in which case they are celebrated as ‘listening to the people’ or ‘decisiveness’ even though they are clearly the opposite.
  1. All these workers generally vote leftwards anyway so the government can take advantage of the general “I’m not voting for those Tory bastards” feeling that peppers the public service.
  2. Some advisor left over from the Key / English regime has put a spanner into the spokes to send Grant Robertson and Chris Hipkins over the handle bars of their Raleigh 20.
  3. Someone in Treasury thought it might be a good idea to start the next round of wage negotiations at ZERO so they can say, “Look at the compromises we made!” when they offer everyone 1.2%.
  4. This is actually a dream state and I’m currently in my bed early on a Monday morning waiting for my alarm to go off dreading the week ahead.
  5. It’s an hilarious joke.
  6. During budget evening Grant Robertson rips off his latex mask to reveal he is none other than… failed National MP Aaron ‘don’t you know who I am?” Gilmore who has been running an incredibly long game for the Tories as pennance for his monstrous introduction to the Aotearoa Body Politick. We find out this was actually a Tory policy implemented by a Tory.

The big money here in the office is on a combination of 1, 3, and 5.

We have a suggestion: why not tax some people more? There are a load of people in New Zealand who pretend they aren’t from New Zealand – you know, like the Dyson guy (can’t remember his name) now lives in Singapore because the UK tax him too much.

Why not hammer them for a bit? Just a thought. People who can afford to pay more tax might actually look dodgy (er!) if they try and argue they shouldn’t pay more. I mean, we all saw what happened when that group of celebs sang Imagine to show us how they had complete empathy for our plight during the first lockdown as we sat in our rented houses and they recorded in their massive condos.

Let us not forget, the most ironically named organisation in the history of New Zealand – the Taxpayers’ Union – has come out in favour of this policy. So it must be a great pile of steaming fertiliser.

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