Labour’s water tax is going to kill us all

This week new Labour leader Jacinda Ardern announced her party’s new plan to steal the Green Party’s old plan to place a charge on commercial users of water. This surprised many New Zealanders, mainly because since we’ve had user pays for poor people for the last 30 years, we all thought people using the water would be paying. Turns out this isn’t the case. The plan has caused many on the right to start frothing at the mouth about this new tax. Here at MyThinks we thought it was important to highlight some of the right’s concern at this creeping nanny state. What follows is some in-depth analysis of the issue by our alt-right expert and National Party stalwart, Professor Duncan Montague Forsythe McTavish Mountbatten. 

Good morning and/or evening. It is with great concern that I look up from my ironed paper as the news upon the wireless announces this most outrageous of taxes. Labour are planning to charge people who use water for profit. This make me and many, many other white middle-aged National voters extremely unhappy.

When Queen Victoria announced during the signing of the Treaty of Waitangi that all water in New Zealand was free for everyone to use I can guarantee you, without a shadow of a doubt, that she was including Coca Cola Amatil and the hard-working New Zealand farmer. Queen Victoria was a very forward-looking and technologically advanced regent. She had one of the first steam-powered iPad, you know.

The problem with the Labour and Greens beast charging for water is three-fold. Firstly, water is free. You can’t charge for something that’s free. That’s like me trying to charge people for looking at my house. Actually, that’s not a bad idea. I’m so rich and my house is so big that people look at it all the time. I could make some serious cash.

Secondly, if you are going to charge for water, then prices for all that wonderful freshly grown food we have in New Zealand. My educated calculations, made by inputting several large numbers into a public relations computer, suggest that as soon as Labour puts this tax on water, the price of apples will go up by 43,502%. That would make one apple more expensive than three of the Ferraris in my driveway. The average New Zealander will only be able to afford to get their plant-based nutritional needs by eating grass from their own lawns and stripping bark and twigs from trees around their houses. And maybe boards from their houses.

Thirdly, even though some of the largest donors to the National Party are huge users of water, that has nothing to do with my current stance. I’m not sure where I was going with this thought and I’m so apoplectic with rage at the thought of having to inform my accountant to avoid yet another charge, I’m not even going to finish it off.

The Labour Party will ruin New Zealand and kill everyone in the process.

Paying for water. Absolutely ridiculous. What are they going to do next? Make polluters pay?

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