Bill English: I’m sad, disappointed and rocky

Hello. Bill English here. As we all discovered on the weekend, I’m the rock on which New Zealand is built. I’m made of rock. My chin is granite; my eyes are obsidian; my gajoogas are stones. That is so.

There are a couple of issues that I wish to raise at this late stage of the election cycle. Firstly, after months of planning to fight the election against a wooden unionist from Taranaki it now appears I’m going to be fighting the election against a hypnotically beautiful woman who’s totally wooed Patrick Gower with her siren calls.

How am I going to criticise her and her policies without sounding like a grumpy old man dusting the cobwebs off the policies he was promoting when he first got to parliament before she was born. Or thereabouts.

The other thing I wanted to talk about is something that has me absolutely seething. Metiria Turei and her ripping off the New Zealand taxpayer to the tune of several tens of dollars in order to feed her child. Absolutely outrageous. You would never find me lying or misleading the New Zealand taxpayer in order to get cash that I wasn’t entitled to. And even if I did you wouldn’t see me making the mistake of telling everyone about it. Amateur.

The most dangerous thing about this whole scenario is if we were to accept Metiria’s argument about the WINZ poverty trap we might actually have to do something about it.

As a former Finance Minister and current rock of the cabinet I’m not willing to make that call. Especially this close to an election and our goal of cutting taxes to ourselves.

That’s about it from me New Zealand. Let’s get together and do this!

Bill “The Rock” English.

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