MyThinks have been leaked a copy of a letter recently written by current Prime Minister Bill English. It’s a very important letter.
Dear Mr/Mrs Voter,
I am Bill English from the The National Party. I am the Prime Minister. That makes me very important. Important enough for you to be listening to the things I am saying.
At the moment I am saying lots of important things. For example, on the weekend, while the Labour Party were faffing about in front of thousands of people in the Auckland Town Hall, I was with three other old men in suits announcing a $10 billion spending plan for our Roads of National Significance. It was a very important announcement which I announced in an important voice. Even the phrase Roads of National Significance sounds incredibly important.
This election you have an important choice. You can choose between a small child who has been the leader of her party for a ten minutes OR you could vote for a middle-aged white man who has been in parliament since the 1980s. Yes, that makes me sound old. But with oldness comes wiseness. It’s so important to be wise. When I dress in a suit and stand next to other middle-aged white friends, I look smart and important. It’s important to look important.
Who do you trust? The important looking guy with his important looking friends or the young, charismatic girl with her hipster bodyguards?
I know who I would vote for.
The answer is me. Me every time.
Your vote is important. I am important. That is why it is so important that you vote for me.
And Peter Dunne. Make sure you vote for him to. He’s important to keeping me important.
Bill, your humble and important PM.
PRESS RELEASE: NATIONAL PARTY ANNOUNCE LAW AND ORDER POLICY
The National Party of New Zealand is pleased to announce a ground-breaking new law and order policy that draws ideas from some of the finest talkback minds of their generation.
Today the National Party have announced the setting up of boot camps for young offenders. Justice Minister Amy Adams says young offenders, who scare old white people the most out of any group of offenders, will be sent to the cold and damp of the Waiouru Army Base. While there they would receive training in how to do push ups and lying in mud for hours at a time.
“Marching is a very important to character building,” said Adams, “Just look how smart all those soldiers in the People’s Army of North Korea look when they are marching in unison. Just fantastic. That’s what we want for our young people.”
Ms Adams said undoubtedly there would be some concerns from some sectors of society, but she was quick to dismiss those worries.
“What better way to deal with young people who have had some of the harshest of upbringings,” she said, “by inflicting a concentrated 12-week programme of physical and emotional abuse before sending them back out onto the streets.”
The National Party said those young people who refuse to attend the boot camp will be sent to an adult jail where they will receive the same training.
This week new Labour leader Jacinda Ardern announced her party’s new plan to steal the Green Party’s old plan to place a charge on commercial users of water. This surprised many New Zealanders, mainly because since we’ve had user pays for poor people for the last 30 years, we all thought people using the water would be paying. Turns out this isn’t the case. The plan has caused many on the right to start frothing at the mouth about this new tax. Here at MyThinks we thought it was important to highlight some of the right’s concern at this creeping nanny state. What follows is some in-depth analysis of the issue by our alt-right expert and National Party stalwart, Professor Duncan Montague Forsythe McTavish Mountbatten.
Good morning and/or evening. It is with great concern that I look up from my ironed paper as the news upon the wireless announces this most outrageous of taxes. Labour are planning to charge people who use water for profit. This make me and many, many other white middle-aged National voters extremely unhappy.
When Queen Victoria announced during the signing of the Treaty of Waitangi that all water in New Zealand was free for everyone to use I can guarantee you, without a shadow of a doubt, that she was including Coca Cola Amatil and the hard-working New Zealand farmer. Queen Victoria was a very forward-looking and technologically advanced regent. She had one of the first steam-powered iPad, you know.
The problem with the Labour and Greens beast charging for water is three-fold. Firstly, water is free. You can’t charge for something that’s free. That’s like me trying to charge people for looking at my house. Actually, that’s not a bad idea. I’m so rich and my house is so big that people look at it all the time. I could make some serious cash.
Secondly, if you are going to charge for water, then prices for all that wonderful freshly grown food we have in New Zealand. My educated calculations, made by inputting several large numbers into a public relations computer, suggest that as soon as Labour puts this tax on water, the price of apples will go up by 43,502%. That would make one apple more expensive than three of the Ferraris in my driveway. The average New Zealander will only be able to afford to get their plant-based nutritional needs by eating grass from their own lawns and stripping bark and twigs from trees around their houses. And maybe boards from their houses.
Thirdly, even though some of the largest donors to the National Party are huge users of water, that has nothing to do with my current stance. I’m not sure where I was going with this thought and I’m so apoplectic with rage at the thought of having to inform my accountant to avoid yet another charge, I’m not even going to finish it off.
The Labour Party will ruin New Zealand and kill everyone in the process.
Paying for water. Absolutely ridiculous. What are they going to do next? Make polluters pay?
It’s not often I blog un-satirically these days (actually… I hardly blog at all). Life and work and work and life and sleep seem to be in the way. Yet I lie here at 11.30 in the evening still rage-filled and unable to nod off following today’s events.
Metiria has resigned. The torrent of self-righteous abuse has been too much of a burden to place upon her family and she has gone. Resigned this afternoon.
There will be much talk of this tomorrow and, perhaps, over the coming weeks. As the punditocracy sink their yellowing teeth into this political mea culpa, undoubtedly we will hear about the many mistakes Metiria made.
When it comes down to it, Metiria’s biggest mistake was thinking the rest of the world shared her compassion. That by outing her experiences within the welfare debt trap she would elicit empathy for her situation a quarter of a century ago and the discussion of her plight would lead to a broader discourse on the dysfunctional welfare state.
Unfortunately that isn’t how Tories work. Metiria didn’t count on the how devastatingly ruthless Tories around the world are. The last thing a Tory is going to do when it sees a cute dog rolling over and showing its soft underbelly is lean down for a quick scratch. No. They’ll whip out the knife and disembowel that puppy quicker than you can say, “compassion is for suckers” before spreading the poor puppy’s innards around the press gallery.
The right saw their opening and took it. I can guarantee you there is not an ounce of guilt on their shoulders tonight.
We can safely assume the Ferrari driving radio hosts and other white middle-aged male voices who berated Metiria with the loudest howls of indignation will all be arranging their affairs courtesy of sound financial and legal advice and thus reducing their tax burden. But that’s technically legal and Metiria stole hundreds of dollars so let’s rip her to shreds.
The rotting vampire corpse Dirty Politics is alive and well and continues to suck us all dry.
Hello. Bill English here. As we all discovered on the weekend, I’m the rock on which New Zealand is built. I’m made of rock. My chin is granite; my eyes are obsidian; my gajoogas are stones. That is so.
There are a couple of issues that I wish to raise at this late stage of the election cycle. Firstly, after months of planning to fight the election against a wooden unionist from Taranaki it now appears I’m going to be fighting the election against a hypnotically beautiful woman who’s totally wooed Patrick Gower with her siren calls.
How am I going to criticise her and her policies without sounding like a grumpy old man dusting the cobwebs off the policies he was promoting when he first got to parliament before she was born. Or thereabouts.
The other thing I wanted to talk about is something that has me absolutely seething. Metiria Turei and her ripping off the New Zealand taxpayer to the tune of several tens of dollars in order to feed her child. Absolutely outrageous. You would never find me lying or misleading the New Zealand taxpayer in order to get cash that I wasn’t entitled to. And even if I did you wouldn’t see me making the mistake of telling everyone about it. Amateur.
The most dangerous thing about this whole scenario is if we were to accept Metiria’s argument about the WINZ poverty trap we might actually have to do something about it.
As a former Finance Minister and current rock of the cabinet I’m not willing to make that call. Especially this close to an election and our goal of cutting taxes to ourselves.
That’s about it from me New Zealand. Let’s get together and do this!
Bill “The Rock” English.