Monthly Archives: August, 2017

Handy timeline of the Winston Peters super thing

At MyThinks we are committed to making the news both paletable and nonsensical. With that in mind, we’ve created a handy timeline of the Winston Peters superannuation thing.

Early 2010: Winston Peters, the NZ First leader and owner of a $2.3 million mansion in Auckland, applies for superannuation.

19 June 2017: Brendan Boyle the head of the Ministry of Social Development, is told about Mr Peters’ superannuation during a routine briefing about a range of other stuff that was none of his business either.

27 July: Boyle is told the matter has been resolved to officials’ satisfaction. He then discussed the case with the State Services Commission to see whether they should continue to flout New Zealand privacy legislation and tell the responsible ministers.

July: MSD sends Mr Peters a letter notifying him of the incorrect superannuation payments that had been overpaid over the previous seven years. Mr Peters corrects the error, believed to be in the tens of thousands of dollars, within a matter of hours.

31 July: Social Development Minister Anne Tolley is verbally informed by MSD’s chief executive about the matter under the “no surprises” policy. Tolley quietly rubs her hands with glee as the MSD boss leaves her office. Unofficially she is quite surprised by the “no surprises” information.

1 August: State Services Minister Paula Bennett is briefed by State Services Commission. Bennett quietly rubs her hands with glee after hanging up the phone with the official at the Commission.

15 August: Mrs Tolley is briefed again by MSD just in case she didn’t understand quality of the private information she had received during the first meeting.

27 August: Mr Peters puts out media release saying he’d paid all the money back and people should keep their noses out of his business.

28 August: MSD and Inland Revenue confirm investigations into Mr Peters’ leaked information.

29 August: Mrs Tolley and Mrs Bennett confirm they were briefed about Mr Peters’ case. Peter Hughes, State Services Commissioner said ministers were briefed but only after officials realised how juicy all the private information was. Prime Minister Bill English says, even though previously National has leaked this kind of information either through their various bloggers or attack westie Paula Bennett, neither Beehive nor the National Party had leaked information.

30 August: Mrs Bennett tells Jack Tame on the TVNZ Breakfast show that, even though she and her party have everything to gain from any scandal surrounding Mr Peters, she did not leak the information because she and her party have nothing to gain from any scandal surrounding Mr Peters.

30 August: National Party word magician David Farrar tries to distract attention from his party’s fumbles by suggesting Winston should have received a declaration form every year. Nobody gave a toss and Peters kept hammering away at National.

31 August: In a desperate attempt to position himself ahead of the expected election day carnage, former darling of the Beehive 9th floor Cameron Slater tells Newshub, “It was someone very close to Paula Bennett who arranged the hit job on Winston Peters.”

MtThinks will update this timeline as more information comes to hand…

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The brand spanking new National Party education policy for our times

MyThinks are digging deep this election to get the word on the policies of the various parties. We were hoping to get latherings of Peter Dunne’s common sensical policies this weekend. Unfortunately for common sense we were unable to bring you this after he retired from the world. Fortunately, however, the National Party announced their education policy at a glitzy launch in Auckland in front of an adoring crowd of house-owning baby boomers. We asked right-wing education commentator Dr Edward Pharctähd to comment and here is his commentary. 

Good evening.

I was very happy that the National Party announced a multi-million dollar investment in our education system this weekend. Bill English and his team have created one of the most innovative and spectacular education policies ever to be announced in New Zealand. For too long New Zealand has been stuck in the mire of mediocrity. Our children are failing. Our teachers are failing.

In one foul swoop Bill English has told kiwi children they can be whatever they want to be by learning many other languages. What a fantastic idea. This week I’m certain we’ll see Mike Hosking tell everyone how important it is for kiwi students to learn other languages. He’s a bit lover of other cultures and languages.

As an educationalist and a National Party voter, I have been outraged that the Labour Party want to scrap national standards. This is just exactly the kind of outrageous and dangerous nonsense we’ve been come to expect from them. National standards are an important way to measure how useless teachers are. I know for a fact that if teachers just worked harder, our kids will be better off.

Parents are going to be stoked being able to follow their children’s progress using a phone app. I understand the app will be like Candy Crush – once your kid gets three standards in a measurement period, the app makes a twinkly sound. I tell you, I wish this kind of thing was around when I was at school back in the 1950s.

I guarantee you over the coming weeks we will hear complaint after complaint from teachers. “Where is the money coming from?” “When will this come in?” “How long will it take me to learn another language so I’m competent enough to teach it?”

Just accept what Bill has said. Kiwi children will be multi-lingual math geniuses. He’s said it. It’s going to happen.

Good night.

New advert from the National Party

The election campaign is well and truly underway. Peter Dunne has taken his quiff off to the Great barber shop in the sky – or at least a nice retirement in Johnsonville with all the free air travel he can lay his hands on. That being said, National have released their new campaign ad. We here at MyThinks have been luckily enough to be given a transcript of the brainstorming meeting at their Grey Lunn advertising agency.

Derek: Hi everyone… thanks for coming. So the brief is quite clear. We are selling the National Party to New Zealand. OK. Hit me. What have you got?

Colin: Um….

*long silence*

Nigel: ….ahh…..

*another long silence*

Derek: Um…. Lunch?

Nigel: God yes.

Colin: Yes.

*4 hours later*

Nigel: Right. Back to it. Do we have anything? Anything at all?

Colin: ….it’s just they’re so….

Derek: So what?

Nigel: So… um…

Colin: Old.

Nigel: Middle aged.

Colin: White. And really old.

Derek: Yeah. But what are we going to do? They’ve given us thousands and thousands of dollars and we’ve just spent half of it at lunch. We have to come up with something….

*long silence*

Derek: Well… what did we do last time?

Colin: It was that rowing thing…

Nigel: With the cool music that definitely wasn’t Eminem because that guy in Sydney said it wasn’t.

Derek: OK… OK….

*pause*

Derek: What if…. instead of rowers… this time… we have runners?

Nigel: Yeah!

Colin: And they’re running all over the place.

Nigel: That’s right! Like through forests… by a waterfall…. along a dam… down a country lane… or rather… ahem… Road of National Significance!

Derek: Brilliant! They’re travelling the whole country….

Colin: …on a mission. They’re on a running mission.

Nigel: They’re on a running mission and theyre running everywhere… all over the place.

Colin: And it’s a multicultural group of runners. Of all ages and ethnicities…

Derek: …but if there are any white people, make them young and sexy.

*slight pause*

Nigel: How did the last one end?

Derek: I think with fat people from all the other parties in a little dingy going around in circles.

Colin: Great! Yeah!! Let’s say this time they could come across a group of crusty unfit fatties near the end who all fall over for no reason while they run past with their strong muscular legs hammering down onto the tarmac of the Road of National Significance… That’s completely different.

Nigel: Yeah… totally different. It’s is pretty darn fantastic…. National’ll be rapt.

Derek: But what about our byline? It’s got to be catchy.

Colin: It’s got to grab everyone’s attention.

Nigel: It’s got to speak to the people.

Derek: What about… stability and ability?

Nigel: Um…. they’re quite like my grandmother’s coffee table from the 70s… Strong and stable?

Colin: We could try… Same old, same old?

*slight pause*

Nigel: Got it!

Derek & Colin: What??

Nigel: The National Party – same old shite.

All: Genius!!

*high fives all ’round – team decamps to SPQR for celebratory cocktails*

I fixed it up a bit…

Bill English is an important leader

MyThinks have been leaked a copy of a letter recently written by current Prime Minister Bill English. It’s a very important letter. 

Dear Mr/Mrs Voter,

I am Bill English from the The National Party. I am the Prime Minister. That makes me very important. Important enough for you to be listening to the things I am saying.

At the moment I am saying lots of important things. For example, on the weekend, while the Labour Party were faffing about in front of thousands of people in the Auckland Town Hall, I was with three other old men in suits announcing a $10 billion spending plan for our Roads of National Significance. It was a very important announcement which I announced in an important voice. Even the phrase Roads of National Significance sounds incredibly important.

This election you have an important choice. You can choose between a small child who has been the leader of her party for a ten minutes OR you could vote for a middle-aged white man who has been in parliament since the 1980s. Yes, that makes me sound old. But with oldness comes wiseness. It’s so important to be wise. When I dress in a suit and stand next to other middle-aged white friends, I look smart and important. It’s important to look important.

Who do you trust? The important looking guy with his important looking friends or the young, charismatic girl with her hipster bodyguards?

I know who I would vote for.

The answer is me. Me every time.

Your vote is important. I am important. That is why it is so important that you vote for me.

And Peter Dunne. Make sure you vote for him to. He’s important to keeping me important.

Kindest regards,

Bill, your humble and important PM.

National Party: young offenders need to be dealt with

PRESS RELEASE: NATIONAL PARTY ANNOUNCE LAW AND ORDER POLICY

The National Party of New Zealand is pleased to announce a ground-breaking new law and order policy that draws ideas from some of the finest talkback minds of their generation.

Today the National Party have announced the setting up of boot camps for young offenders. Justice Minister Amy Adams says young offenders, who scare old white people the most out of any group of offenders, will be sent to the cold and damp of the Waiouru Army Base. While there they would receive training in how to do push ups and lying in mud for hours at a time.

“Marching is a very important to character building,” said Adams, “Just look how smart all those soldiers in the People’s Army of North Korea look when they are marching in unison. Just fantastic. That’s what we want for our young people.”

Ms Adams said undoubtedly there would be some concerns from some sectors of society, but she was quick to dismiss those worries.

“What better way to deal with young people who have had some of the harshest of upbringings,” she said, “by inflicting a concentrated 12-week programme of physical and emotional abuse before sending them back out onto the streets.”

The National Party said those young people who refuse to attend the boot camp will be sent to an adult jail where they will receive the same training.

ENDS