The National Party of Aotearoa New Zealand welcomes you to this Northern Regional Conference. Please feel free to help yourself to the many free cartons of delicious Fonterra milk which will be contained within the various school milk fridges dotted about the venue. Please also make yourselves familiar with the emergency evacuation procedures. In the unlikely event of an emergency, please push your way past any service workers and make your way out to the evacuation point in the car park.
Here is a brief rundown of some of the highlights of the conference:
Cooking with Paula Bennett
Deputy PM Paula Bennett takes us through a beginner’s guide to cooking tapas for the West Auckland crowd. Dishes included pie kebabs, patata gravas with t-sauce and a couple of chards.
Tell Us What We Really Think with Alfred Ngaro
Where the junior minister lets a private session with no hidden journalists know what is really in the National Party election manifesto.
How to Rebuild Syria with Gerry Brownlee
Current Foreign Minister and former Minister of Christchurch outlines his plans for the rebuild the Middle East. A new $4 billion conference centre for Baghdad and thousands of hectares of green space to rise from the Damascus rubble.
Go on a Run/Walk with Bill English
The PM tells us his trick of how he makes people think he’s fitter than he actually is by running down hills and past people coming towards him on the street while walking the rest of the way. After all, Wellington is full of hills. Dipton, not so much.
I’m Still Relevant with Cameron Slater
The controversial blogger stands up on a stage and talks in front of a Powerpoint to prove that he is still as relevant as ever. Topics covered include how he is being unfairly treated by the media and how the media is treating him unfairly. And Angry Andy.
Making Announcements with Nick Smith
The Building and Construction Minister talks about his uncanny knack of inviting a massive throng of media representatives out into the middle of a field to make an announcement about housing or water that features information that has either already been announced or doesn’t exist at all.
Thank you for coming. We all hope you enjoy your weekend and if you are planning to head out past some protesters on your way out please make sure you have Chester Burrows as your chauffeur.