Monthly Archives: February, 2017

Nick Smith has a plan!!

Hard on the heels of the Government’s plan to be pest free by the year 2040, Conservation Minister Nick Smith has announced an even bolder scheme at the start of the election campaign. 

Over the weekend, Dr. Smith called media to a field near his Nelson home for one of his trademarked unveiling of great sounding but uncosted or thought-through policies.

“We have set ourselves the ambitious target of having New Zealand completely river free by 2045,” the minister told the waiting throng of junior political reporters. 

Dr Smith near his favourite field

He went on to make the point that his policy would have the added benefit of making all New Zealand rivers swimmable.

“If there’s no water, there’s no e-coli or campylobactor,” said an excited minister, “it’s a complete win-win.”

National have promised to begin draining lowland waterways by the end of the month.

Come swim with me

Today was a lucky day for New Zealand with the National government announcing an exciting new water quality standard. MyThinks attended the announcement next to a pungent West Auckland stream. 

LACKIE: Please welcome to the podium the Prime Minister of New Zealand… Mr. Bill English. 

(A smattering of accidental applause rings out  before quickly dying away)

BILL: Thank you… um… Nick Smith’s chap. Yes.. welcome everyone to an exciting day in the history of our young country. Thank you to minister Smith for warming the crowd up with his unique brand of sideways head tilting. 

We are here today to talk about water. You can see behind me a lovely bathing hole here in the heart of industrial West Auckland. Just looking at it on this moist afternoon makes me want to do what evety kiwi loves to do and strip down to my undies and jump in for a quick dip. Unfortunately I have a water quality announcement to make so the undies will have to wait.

The National Party are fully aware of New Zealanders love of rivers and waterways. We are also aware of our unique position as the milking teet of the world. That is why we are very pleased to announce a crack down on pollution and a new target of 90% of rivers in New Zealand to be swimmable by the year 2136.

How are we going to achieve this ambitious target? By doubling or even trebling the number of toxins allowed in our rivers. How amazingly simple is that? By just moving the goalposts ever so slightly, then cutting them down and washing them into the river with a torrent of effluent, we in National believe we have cracked the holy grail of water purity.

Swimmable

Thank you all for coming. Right… can we get out of here? My eyes and throat are burning.

ENDS

The Phone Call (actual)

What follows is a short extract from the diary of Prime Minister Bill English detailing his Waitangi Day activities. 

Dear diary… today dawned like any other with the sun appearing over the horizon like a giant ball of burning hydrogen. I rose from my bed and donned my dressing gown and headed for breakfast. Two Weet-Bix and a cup of tea later I was ready for some serious prime-ministering. Several breakfasts and a yum cha later I was ready for a well earned rest. I retired to my luxurious and very free crown limousine and told Harold to drive. So we drove. 17.43 minutes* around and around until the phone rang. I answerved it and guess who it was? None other than President Trump – the President. He said hello and I also said hello. He called the Australian PM something I can’t repeat here** and then said something about The Hobbit and Sir Bob Charles before going on about how awesome he was and how stupid the fake media were for not reporting the facts he was telling them to report. He then mentioned how much he hated Alec Baldwin before saying that I should drop by the White House next time I’m nearby so we can throw darts at his CNN dartboard. Then he said goodbye and hung up. 

Following this call I am certain we will have first preference on a bilateral trade deal should the chance arise. ***

Had Trump stopped talking about himself during the conversation I’m sure I would have said his immigration law changes weren’t very nice.

Anyway, thank you for listening diary. 

Kind regards, 

Bill English  (Prime Minister of New Zealand)

NOTES FOR MEMOIR:

* that’s .43 of a minute which is 25.8 seconds, not 43 seconds, in case you were wondering. 

** President Trump said, “Trumble is a bit of a dick.”

*** I am not convinced there will be any trade deal without us putting Sir Bob Charles up as some kind of collateral. 

The Phone Call

TRANSCRIPT: Phone call between President Donald J. Trump of the United States of America and Prime Minister Bill English of Southland.

Hello. It’s me.I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet.

BILL: Hello… Bill speaking

THE DONALD: Hey buddy. It’s The Donald here. How the hell are you?

BILL: Who?

THE DONALD: The Donald.

BILL: Sorry, who? Who is the Donald?

THE DONALD: Me. I am The Donald.

BILL: Yes. I know. But who is the Donald. Who are you?

THE DONALD (slightly agitated): Oh for chrissakes! I am The Donald. I am The goddam Donald?

BILL (long pause): Um… OK… and what is it that you do Mr.The Donald?

THE DONALD (quickly getting more agitated): I’m the goddam president!!

BILL: The president of what?

THE DONALD (seething with blind fury): The goddam President of the United States of America. You goddam idiot!!

BILL: Oh… that The Donald…

THE DONALD (utterly enraged): Yes I’m that The Donald. How many other Donalds are there?!!?!?

BILL: Duck?

THE DONALD (apoplectic): What?!!!???!?

BILL: Donald Duck… that’s another Donald.

THE DONALD (psychoticly apoplectic): I don’t have to speak to you! I’m the king of the free world and your just a snivelling little shit from the boon docks. Shove it up your ass!!!
*slams phone down*

BILL (smiling): Snivelling indeed you orange racist.

ENDS