Today was a lucky day for New Zealand with the National government announcing an exciting new water quality standard. MyThinks attended the announcement next to a pungent West Auckland stream.
LACKIE: Please welcome to the podium the Prime Minister of New Zealand… Mr. Bill English.
(A smattering of accidental applause rings out before quickly dying away)
BILL: Thank you… um… Nick Smith’s chap. Yes.. welcome everyone to an exciting day in the history of our young country. Thank you to minister Smith for warming the crowd up with his unique brand of sideways head tilting.
We are here today to talk about water. You can see behind me a lovely bathing hole here in the heart of industrial West Auckland. Just looking at it on this moist afternoon makes me want to do what evety kiwi loves to do and strip down to my undies and jump in for a quick dip. Unfortunately I have a water quality announcement to make so the undies will have to wait.
The National Party are fully aware of New Zealanders love of rivers and waterways. We are also aware of our unique position as the milking teet of the world. That is why we are very pleased to announce a crack down on pollution and a new target of 90% of rivers in New Zealand to be swimmable by the year 2136.
How are we going to achieve this ambitious target? By doubling or even trebling the number of toxins allowed in our rivers. How amazingly simple is that? By just moving the goalposts ever so slightly, then cutting them down and washing them into the river with a torrent of effluent, we in National believe we have cracked the holy grail of water purity.
Thank you all for coming. Right… can we get out of here? My eyes and throat are burning.
What follows is a short extract from the diary of Prime Minister Bill English detailing his Waitangi Day activities.
Dear diary… today dawned like any other with the sun appearing over the horizon like a giant ball of burning hydrogen. I rose from my bed and donned my dressing gown and headed for breakfast. Two Weet-Bix and a cup of tea later I was ready for some serious prime-ministering. Several breakfasts and a yum cha later I was ready for a well earned rest. I retired to my luxurious and very free crown limousine and told Harold to drive. So we drove. 17.43 minutes* around and around until the phone rang. I answerved it and guess who it was? None other than President Trump – the President. He said hello and I also said hello. He called the Australian PM something I can’t repeat here** and then said something about The Hobbit and Sir Bob Charles before going on about how awesome he was and how stupid the fake media were for not reporting the facts he was telling them to report. He then mentioned how much he hated Alec Baldwin before saying that I should drop by the White House next time I’m nearby so we can throw darts at his CNN dartboard. Then he said goodbye and hung up.
Following this call I am certain we will have first preference on a bilateral trade deal should the chance arise. ***
Had Trump stopped talking about himself during the conversation I’m sure I would have said his immigration law changes weren’t very nice.
Anyway, thank you for listening diary.
Bill English (Prime Minister of New Zealand)
NOTES FOR MEMOIR:
* that’s .43 of a minute which is 25.8 seconds, not 43 seconds, in case you were wondering.
** President Trump said, “Trumble is a bit of a dick.”
*** I am not convinced there will be any trade deal without us putting Sir Bob Charles up as some kind of collateral.