Monthly Archives: July, 2016

The 2016 NBR rich list is out

This week the National Party Business Review released their annual rich list. This celebration of ridiculous amounts of cash was picked up on and heralded by all of the major media outlets. Far be it from us to miss out on envious clickbait, today MyThinks will feature profiles of some of the richest and, therefore, most awesome New Zealanders.

  1. Henry Beals-E’baub ($2.7 billion): Mr. Beals-E’baub made his money in the aged care industry by charging a premium rate to the elderly to live in his complexes. He has a unique way of doing business. He has his elderly tenants to give him their life savings by signing a contract with which he makes them believe they own the property, when in actual fact he owns the property and they are just renting. Although this has caused issues during will readings in recent years, the practice has remained and made Mr. Beals-E’baub billions.
  2. Sir David Fox ($1.75 billion): Sir David made his money by investing in the property market. Has several thousand under-developed rentals in Auckland, Wellington and Christchurch. Has also made extra millions buying up companies that remove black mould from his own rentals.
  3. Sir Reginald Satan ($1.3 billion): President of the New Zealand Old White Boys’ Network, Sir Reginald became the first margarine billionaire. His products are sold all over the world – particularly in California where they play a major role in lubricating foliage in the hills which are then set alight so Sir Reginald’s property development company can then develop the burnt hills into suburbs filled with plush holiday mansions that are snapped up by other rich-listers.
  4. Duncan Lucifer-Barret ($375 million): Mr. Lucifer-Barret made the majority of his fortune following the global financial crisis of 2008 when most of the world’s wealth became concentrated in the accounts of just a few thousand people around the globe.
  5. Barry Weasel ($315 million): Mr. Weasel became well-known in the early 80s following a scandal where his company – MoneyCorp – collapsed owing billions of dollars to investors only to set up three weeks later in exactly the same offices with exactly the same staff under the name MoneyCorps.
  6. Harold Rat Jnr. ($212 million): Mr. Rat, or Big Harry, made his millions after being born into wealth and doing nothing else. Big Harry’s father – also known as Big Harry – was also big and very, very rich.
  7. Dame Sylvia Ferrit ($2 million): Dame Sylvia has hardly any money but we thought we better put her on the list because she looks quite lovely in a pant-suit.

Just a handful of people who, by the nature of their wealth, are better human beings than you. 

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Key announces plans to step down once Auckland house price average hit $4 million

National Party leader and all-round classic bloke John Key today hinted at a possible timetable for his succession.

The Prime Minister was talking off the cuff at another National Party photo opportunity where they were announcing a plan they had already announced while pretending it was a freshly announced and newly thought up announcement.

When asked by a young child whether he would be “giving up because my dad says everybody hates you,” he simply replied, “at the end of the day I will stand down when the time is right.”

Pressed further by reporters, Key said he would stand down once he had secured his legacy of a $4 million average house price in Auckland.

He said it was important to him, as an NBR rich-lister, that every home owner in the country had the opportunity to own a multi-million dollar mansion just like he and all his cabinet colleagues do.

Shhhhhh everyone… it’s all going to be ok.

When asked about succession the Prime Minister suggested someone visionary like Nick Smith be groomed for the role. Key said Smith had often shown himself to be well ahead of his time often promoting things that many, many other people couldn’t see. Key also said the Housing Minister would often continue to promote his ideas even when others had long-since rejected them. This, said the PM, took real vision.

Others he put forward others to take over his role as National Party leader were Paula Bennett, Steven Joyce or anyone but Collins.

Key then thanked everyone for coming and then made his way to a waiting diplomatic limousine lighting a $400 Cuban cigar with a $10,000 note.

Bennett stoked with uptake of $5000 by people

Paula Bennett, the Minister of Social Housing and Sweet Burnouts, today welcomed the news that twelve families have taken up the government offer of $5000 to move out of Auckland.

Ms. Bennett has said it is early days but she says she is “pretty stoked” that just four weeks after the introduction of the policy a massive 0.08% of their target of 150 families had taken up the offer.

Paula-Bennett

“This is great news,” said Ms. Bennett, “and we expect to reach our target by the year 2173.”

Ms. Bennett said she had no figures on the amount of those 12 families who had taken up the other government offer of $3000 to move back to Auckland.

ACT leader clarifies cash payout to charter school charity

ACT leader and Minor Secretary for Education David Seymour has clarified the half-million dollar payout to a key ally for the National Party chartnership schools policy. The $500,000 payout, made by the government to the E Tipu E Rea Trust, a new body set up to promote and support the controversial schooling model, was revealed by various media outlets earlier this week. 

Seymour, who has also championed the policy, held a press conference today to clarify the payment. MyThinks was there and we have the transcript. 

SEYMOUR: Hello everyone. Thank you all for coming. It’s good to see so many people following the recent ACT Party conference held in the lounge of my Epsom flat. I just wanted to clear a few things up surrounding the confusion about this money. This was a payment of $500,000 dollars to a charity looking at promoting our wonderful chartnership school concept. It just so happens they are many of the same people who voted National and got loads of selfies with John Key the last time he was in South Auckland in 2009. That’s entirely coincidental. Like running into your friend at the mall when you are both buying satsumas, for example. Are you expecting us to give money just to chartnership school operators who vote Labour and Greens? That’s just ridiculous. There are none of those anywhere in the world. I would also like to point out that this National-led government, with its strong partners in ACT, UnitedFuture and the Māori Party, have consistently said it’s not what you do it’s how you do it. We are leading by example giving out hundreds of thousands of dollars to anybody willing to promote our policies. That, quite frankly, is common sense. If you have billions of dollars at your disposal, why wouldn’t you flick a few hundy to some blokes who agree with the educational policies we have. And… who asked you anyway. Shut up. Just shut up. Nanananananaaannnannanaaa I’m not listening, not listening.

So thank you all for coming. I need to head off now because I’ve got a Year 12 Geography test to do, so thanks very much.

Government announces massive pest control programme

Today the government has put its weight behind a plan to make New Zealand pest free by 2050. The plan, announced by John Key at the Zealandia sanctuary in Wellington, has been welcomed by many groups.

The Prime Minister announced today the creation of a new joint venture company called Pest Free New Zealand. The organisation will work with the private sector to come up with ways of tackling the country’s possum, rat, and stoat populations.

John Key said the agency will be up and running by early next year.

“It will be responsible for identifying large, high-value predator control projects, and attracting co-investors to boost their scale and success.”

Key said, “we expect this announcement today to get rid of many of those pests from the Labour Party who keep talking about housing, homelessness and hospital waiting lists.”