Hello my little poppets.
As your beloved Minister if Education I am excited to announce a secret plan we’ve been sitting on for some time.
For years, we in the National Party, a party filled with business people, farmers and others who inherited their wealth from their parents without ever doing anything productive, have been talking about quality education in Aotearoa. Despite not really having any educational experience at all, we’ve been giving major policy reform a bit of a crack.
So far we have spent millions and millions of dollars lifting our National Standards results by increments lower than the margin of statistical error. We have decreased funding for the early childhood sector despite all research suggesting investment at this age pays off in spades in later life. Ignoring that much research takes real vision.
Our next plan, however, is groundbreaking.
In order to lift standards for New Zealand children we need to put the very best teachers in front of them. That’s why this government is going to allow barely qualified TeachFirst educators in front of our most vulnerable students. There is no better way to improve outcomes for our young learners than locking 30 high school kids in a room with a 24 year old BComm (Hons.) who wants to make a difference like Michelle Pfeiffer in that Coolio film.
Expect our PISA scores to go through the roof. And if they don’t, we can always blame Labour.
All the best.