Hekia Parata announced an exciting new funding model for education

Hello and salutations my loyal subjects.

It’s with great self-importance and a soft passive-aggressive voice I announce an exciting new funding model for education.

For too many years schools have had no choice in how they spend their money. Down to the last staple, paper clip or post-it note, schools have to spend their money in exactly the way the Ministry of Education tell them to.

Well that all ends. Now-ish.

I have a great new idea that I want to share with you.

What if we gave schools freedom? What if we gave schools some choice in how they spend their money?

Yes. Freedom to choose is the mantra of the National Party. We want to give schools, principals, and boards some kind of choice in how they spend their money. If school had choice, then they could choose. Being able to choice the right choice is just going to be quite choice.

And what about private schools? In these days of modern learning and 21st century pedagogy, those schools are really struggling to put iPads on the tables of their hungry students. Why shouldn’t a private school, a school which charges thousands and thousands and thousands a term for tuition, charging rich parents who are part of the political and business elite here in New Zealand, receive millions more in extra funding from the government? Imagine each student having their own smartphone, iPad, laptop and car provided free by the taxpayer instead of their rich parents? How rich would their parents be then?

All I know is that every parent of a private school student I know always pays all their taxes. They should receive some benefit from all those taxes they pay on their income.

Just to be clear, giving public schools choice by bulk-funding teacher salaries through their annual operational grant is not bulk funding. We are calling it global funding. Doesn’t that sound far more exciting and it is completely different? Global funding. Just think about that. Your school can have money from a global bank! Wow! Then you can hire all the unqualified teachers you want.

These are very exciting times for education.

Lots of love.

Hek xxx


Europe is gone: Brexit has happened!

With the United Kingdom voting to extricate itself from the European Union late last week, MyThinks spoke with supporters of the successful Leave campaign. Lord Montague Nez Marron du Chevalier, a member of the Tory Party since he was 3 years old, headed strategy for the Leave campaign in the West Midlands. 

Britain is great. That’s why it is called Great Britain. And this is a great day for Britain. My Britain; your Britain; but not their Britain.

Great Britain is a proud nation. We invented kippers, jellied eels and pork scratchings – all those bits of the animal or whole animals that nobody really wants to eat. We packaged them up, marketed them and people ate them. That is how great we are.

And now, with the successful leave vote, we can get back to being the nation we once were. The nation where any red-blooded Britain could go down the pub for his lunch on a Saturday afternoon and then head off to his local football ground to fight while his team played on the grass in front of him.

Before this weekend, that wasn’t possible. Men would have to hide in their houses being protected from their wives as all the fighting was done by kipper-eating Albanians who were here to undercut our builders by working for £1 an hour – exactly the same amount they paid to fly here on EasyJet in the first place.

Now we have our football grounds back. Now we have Boris Johnson, a representative of the people. A representative of all those working class gas fitters and miners who all went to Eton before heading down the mines or the shipyards.

We all worry about what the future but there is absolutely nothing to worry about. My French father and my German grandmother have both left me millions of pounds so I’m able to hide out on my estate here in Shropshire. I’m sure many of our bus and taxi drivers, builders, plumbers, teachers, nurses and other hard-working Brits will be doing exactly the same.

Well done Britain. Top marks and ballyhoo.


Lord Monty.

Yet another apology to Ms. Bennett

Earlier on today MyThinks published a second apology to National Party cabinet minister Paula Bennett. In that apology we apologised for suggesting certain things about Ms. Bennett that were untrue. A major part of that apology was highlighting how we had offended Ms. Bennett by repeating a great deal of text from the first apology.

With the benefit of hindsight, and a threatening email from Crown Law, MyThinks now realises repeating offending remarks over and over again while linking to them through various hyperlinks contained within the post to other, more libelous posts, could be construed as offensive in itself. Tagging our posts with certain satirical phrases my have also, inadvertently, repeated the implied allegations that Ms. Bennett is flamboyant with the truth.

We here at MyThinks are just a small backyard operation made up of kiwi mums and dads. We aren’t in any position to take on the litigious might of the New Zealand National Party. We get our legal advice from the Citizens Advice Bureau and our groceries are all Home Brand. That’s what being a middle class New Zealander is all about.

Again, we apologise unreservedly to Ms. Bennett. Sorry for implying you have a disregard for the facts by satirising how you misrepresented the events of last week.


Another apology to Ms. Bennett

Earlier on today MyThinks published an apology to National Party cabinet minister Paula Bennett regarding a satirical post written and posted on Saturday the 18th of June, 2016.

In the past half hour we have been re-contacted by Ms. Bennett’s staff who have reported to us they are not to happy with the apology that was issued. They have said Ms. Bennett is not happy with some of the content in that other post.

In our apologetic post we quoted several lines from the original post:

You know, the thing that really gets in my craw, the most hurtful thing, is the fact the opposition have been calling me a liar. It’s so outrageous it’s laughable. I am not a liar. I never lie. I have never lied in all my years as a National Party politician. Never. Not once. I have only ever told the complete and utter truth. And the truth is this: I don’t lie. Ever.

We also had the phrase Ms. Bennett is a liar or similar printed in bold and dotted throughout the post.

It has been brought to our attention by Ms. Bennett’s staff that copying the above paragraph into the post and repeating the phrase Ms. Bennett is a liar throughout, we could effectively be implying once again that Ms. Bennett is untruthful, misleading or has a liberal interpretation of the concept of truth.

Once again, MyThinks apologises to Ms. Bennett. Our apology was a genuine attempt to apologise and if our apology offended Ms. Bennett in any way, we are truly sorry.

It won’t happen again.

An apology to Ms. Bennett

Yesterday morning the MyThinks blog published a short post in which we satirised the situation faced this week by National Party cabinet minister Paula Bennett. In the post we hilariously suggested that Ms. Bennett was a fragile person who was struggling to come to terms with the current self-inflicted malaise she found herself in. We implied, through innuendo, that Ms. Bennett may be a liar because she was a National Party politician. We said:

You know, the thing that really gets in my craw, the most hurtful thing, is the fact the opposition have been calling me a liar. It’s so outrageous it’s laughable. I am not a liar. I never lie. I have never lied in all my years as a National Party politician. Never. Not once. I have only ever told the complete and utter truth. And the truth is this: I don’t lie. Ever.

After being contacted by her office late last evening we now agree with their assessment of the situation. On no occasion during the last week did Ms. Bennett lie, tell fibs or mislead in any way. We agree with her office representative that Ms. Bennett has worked tirelessly this week not lying to members of the media, people she has met with, or New Zealanders as a whole.

To suggest Ms. Bennett is a liar besmirches not only her reputation but the reputation of all National Party MPs past, present and future.

MyThinks apologises for the suggestion that Ms. Bennett is a liar. To imply otherwise is simply misleading and utterly unprofessional.

We are now also under police investigation.

Thank you and good day.