Post Cabinet Briefing: Monday 9 May, 2016

We now go live to the Prime Minister’s post cabinet briefing.

JOHN: Thenk yoy all for coming. We have a lot to get through so who wants to kick it off?

JOURNO 1: I will… are you worried about the latest Panama Papers revelations?

JOHN: No… not at all. Not in the slightest. No. Absolutely not. No. Not. No not.

JOURNO 2: …well… is New Zealand a tax haven?

JOHN: No not.

JOURNO 3: But Nicky Hagar says it is.

JOHN: Well he would. He’s a left-wing conspiracy nut.

JOURNO 2: …says who?

JOHN: Says me. I say it.

JOURNO 3: He’s not the only journalist working on this story.

JOURNO 1: Yeah… there’s TVNZ and Radio NZ….

JOHN: Well…. they’re conspiracy nuts too.

JOURNO 2: All of TVNZ are conspiracy nuts?

JOHN: Yup. Nuts. Lotta them. And Radio NZ too. Don’t forget those guys…

JOURNO 3: And the Guardian, SĂĽddeutsche Zeitung, and the International Consortium of Investigative Journalists?

JOHN: Yep… every single one of those is a left-wing conspiracy theorist.

JOURNO 1: Who says they are?

JOHN: I do… I say it is so, so it is so. Look, at the end of the day, who are you going to believe? Some guy who I just said was a tin-foil hat wearing fruitcake or me? The only person in this room with extensive knowledge of the inner workings of secret foreign trusts? I know who I’d trust.

(Slight pause)

JOHN: Me!! The answer is me. No if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go and watch a focus group.

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