Stay in Huntly!

The National Party plan for housing
The National Party plan for housing

Great opportunity from the government

Are you living in the impoverished provinces? Are you looking for a job? Would you like to live in Auckland?

Well have we got a deal for you! Just pop in to your local office of Work and Income to receive a $3000 cash payout to move to the City of Sails.

Once you get there Work and Income has an exciting opportunity for you. What is it, we hear you ask?

Well… as there are no jobs or houses in Auckland, you’ll have to go back into Work and Income when you arrive to receive a $5000 cash payout to go back to where you came from! Or Huntly.

The National Government – giving you eight grand to stay right where you are!!!

Happy shifting everyone!!


This message was brought to you on behalf of the logistics industry of New Zealand.

Open letter from Paula Bennett to the State House tenants & homeless of Auckland

Dear Homeless and others,

Please leave. Except for Hosking, there’s too many Auckland media asking hard questions like, “What are your plans?” and “How will you help these people?” It really has been quite a trying couple of weeks for me having to not answer them (Why can’t Nick Smith fly in to Hobsonville and distract everyone with a giant promise he’ll never keep?).

If you could move out of Auckland and away from your friends and family to Huntly or Tokoroa or Raetihi, that would be choice. Look, I’ll even give you the five grand I was going to spend getting CrosbyTextor to blame Labour for the problem.

Anyway… nub noo.

Love Paula xxx

Nick Smith: There is NO crisis

MyThinks has been fielding many questions about Nick Smith.

  • “What’s happening with housing?”
  • “Does Nick Smith know anything about any of his policy areas?”
  • “Why does he look so shifty when he’s telling us what we should think?”

These are all fantastic questions, none of which we are going to answer here. Instead, MyThinks is giving Dr Smith a platform to outline his vision for the homeless people of New Zealand. 

Hello New Zealand.

Nick Smith, Doctor of Landslides
    Nick Smith, Doctor of Landslides

Look. There has been plenty of talk over the last couple of weeks or months about a so-called “housing crisis.” We all know that this is a complete load of nonsense. Just ask any of those National Party members of parliament who own a houses. There is absolutely no crisis.

A crisis happens when a hurricane hits or some disease wipes out a whole bunch of people.

You know, I remember back to my childhood when I was little. My parents used to take us away to various places around the country. We camped in tents and caravans. One time we even built our own bivvy out of sticks and a large tarp that Dad stole off one of the neighbours. These were some of the best days of my life. The best. I think back on those days with so much fondness. What a wonderful bunch of experiences my parents gave me.

And that’s what we are seeing here in New Zealand at the moment. Families around the country are having all these amazing and exciting adventures as they travel up and down the country looking for a place to rest for the night. They aren’t having a crisis, they’re having and experience.

If there’s a crisis of anything, it’s a crisis of fun.

(I’d also like to point out that, in the unlikely event that a New Zealand family gets down on their luck, WINZ are happy to step up and loan them up to $100,000 or more to stay in one of the many fantastic motels around the country. I used to love staying in motels when I was little. Imagine that… living in a motel on loaned money. Golden moments of family living.)

So, the next time you hear Andrew Little or Metiria Turei or some other hippy talking about the housing crisis that National caused, remember this: people in Africa would love to have a car roof over their heads.

Happy adventuring New Zealand and good luck in the budget, suckers.

Nick Smith, Doctor of Landslides.

It’s hard being the PM

I hope you’re all having a good weekend. It’s been a really tough week for me. People have been getting onto me about the large number of homeless people living in garages and cars around the greater Auckland area and in other parts of the country.

There really is no need for anybody not to live in a house. Anybody can just rock up to WINZ and ask for a low interest loan to pay for a few nights in a dirty motel. With that small leg up from the government they can then go out and get a job and buy a house. It really is that simple.

The National government prides itself on providing the necessary fiscal measures for people to live in their own home, and if not their own home, a home that’s owned by one of the very MPs creating and maintaining the fiscal conditions for that home’s existence.

Let me talk about me for a minute. Back in the 1980s I was homeless. There was a time there while working for a large unnamed finance company when I had no home. I lived in hotels and holiday houses across the US and Europe. This was a very hard time for me travelling around the world, sipping champagne and making millions of dollars. I totally understand what these people living in their cousin’s garage must be going through.

Now, of course, I own a number of properties, as do my ministers. It’s important to remember that if we adjust the fiscal conditions too quickly, then many, many of our voters will get burned.

The Greens want Housing NZ to give up its dividend to the government. Labour want Housing NZ to build thousands of houses. This is sheer lunacy. It’s not going to work. Sure, it will mean Housing NZ has millions of dollars to build all the houses Labour wants it to. But what is that going to achieve?

Labour and the Greens should just stick to what they’re good at – suggesting whole range of solutions to a raft of problems which National can then pick and choose from. Let National get on with the business of governing and leave the policy development to the idiots. Or, as we’ve been doing for the past three or four weeks, re-announcing policies we’ve had in place for ages – policies that haven’t really worked – so that it looks like we’re doing something (It’s what CrosbyTextor would want us to do).

Just ask yourself, at the end of the day, is the policy really going to make my real estate portfolio grow? Will my blind trust, the blind trust that I absolutely don’t see ever at all, fall in value. Possibly, or possibly not, but I don’t want to take that risk.

And that’s the dilemma I face every day. Being Prime Minister is really hard, man. Do I do the right thing for me, my mates and our voters or do I do the right thing for New Zealand?

I know which one I’m choosing.