What happened to all the tax?

In recent days, some multinationals have come under scrutiny following revelations that some operating in New Zealand have not paid nearly $500 million in tax. MyThinks thought it was unfair that the multinationals didn’t have a chance to give their side of the story so we went out and asked them to comment. 

BRIAN GOOGLE, CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICER, GOOGLE: 

There has been a few things mentioned to me over the past couple of months. Mostly related to tax. Where do you pay tax? How do you pay tax? Where is all the money? How is it that I, as an individual, am taxed on my GROSS income, yet you, as a company, can claim all sorts of nonsense back off the taxman and pay about three bucks in tax?

My friends, there is a very simple answer.

None of our earnings are actual money. For years myself and Mrs. Google have not really done very well. We are, as they say, in a bit of a pickle.

Last year we only earned $US 75 billion. That’s hardly anything. Money isn’t what it used to be. Back in the old days, before computers, people could go down to the shop with, say, £6, and buy a house. Now a house costs heaps more than that. Last time I looked you had to pay well over $10,000. That’s like a whole different kind of money.

Dollars are more expensive than pounds. So $US 75 billion really is only about £8. So we at Google are thinking that you’d be lucky to get anything for that kind of money so we sloshed it around and it kind of disappeared. Until our CFO picked up a 747 full of cash from the Cayman Islands.

COLIN SUPERNERD, CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICER, FACEBOOK:

People look at me and think, man what a dork. That nerd really is a dork. But when they find out I have billions and billions of dollars they all want to sleep with me. I’m not going to put that at risk by paying a few million in tax in a tiny little country that people think is part of Australia.

DR. DAVID RICHBASTARD, CHIEF OPERATING OFFICER, ASTRA XENICA: 

We make our money out of shafting sick people. So… meh.

SIMON FARQUEUE, PRESIDENT, EXXONMOBIL: 

We don’t comment on tax matters.

TIM COOK, CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICER, APPLE: 

Look, man. We’re so cool. We have all the cool stuff. Have you seen the latest iPhone. It’s like a totally different iPhone to the last iPhone, even though it looks, feels and is, exactly the same. It’s really cool. I’m cool. Have you seen me on the stage when I do something with a new Apple product. Man, I look cool. You’re just not very cool so… we won’t be paying tax.

Many of the other companies didn’t return our calls or laughed down the phone at us while playing this song:

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