Monthly Archives: March, 2016

PM: Failed flag referendum a “massive success”

The Prime Minister says the flag debate has been a success, regardless of which flag ends up winning the referendum.

Whether or not the new silver fern tea-towel design – the PM’s preference – wins or the old Union Jack flag is retained, John Key says the process has been a success.

“This has been a great process.” he said at a stand-up outside Sky City Casino earlier today where he was again criticising Labour’s Future of Work proposals with the many CrosbyTextor lines such as “barking mad,” and “59 billion,” he has been using in recent days.

The Prime Minister told his compliant media friends the process has been a victory for democracy.

“More than two million people have voted,” he said, “that’s more than the population of most of the South Island I think. This really has been a successful process.”

When one of the media pointed out that most of New Zealand, including the RSA, young people, middle-aged people, and older people had told him to “piss off,” Key was defiant.

“No, I don’t think that’s the case,” he said, “People have told me over and over again during this process that the it’s not every day they get to vote in something this expensive and unnecessary.

“We are making people vote,” he said, “This is forced democracy at it’s finest. People were so scared that some stupid piece of tat was going to end up as their national flag – and this close to an olympics – that they felt  they had to get out there and vote. They felt they needed to vote to stop a $2 shop tea towel being raised when in Rio. I’m the most democratic Prime Minister ever!”

When asked about how this failed referendum would reflect on his legacy as Prime Minister, Key said, “I don’t need a legacy. At the end of the day I’ve got millions so, yeah, nah. Right… I’m off to hide in Hawaii for a bit.”

John Key statement re Bradley Ambrose tapes

Prime Minister John Key has issued a brief statement regarding the recent settlement of the ongoing “teapot tapes” saga involving a recording accidentally made by cameraman Bradley Ambrose.

STATEMENT BEGINS

A-hahahahahahahaha!!

I won!! Even though I lost and had to pay damages out of a secret fund nobody’s ever heard of, I still won.

What a great win.

In your face rest of New Zealand.

STATEMENT ENDS

STATEMENT RECOMMENCES

Bugger! Can’t use taxpayer’s cash cow. Have to get National Party to pay bill even though I have $50 mill floating about.

STATEMENT RE-ENDS

What happened to all the tax?

In recent days, some multinationals have come under scrutiny following revelations that some operating in New Zealand have not paid nearly $500 million in tax. MyThinks thought it was unfair that the multinationals didn’t have a chance to give their side of the story so we went out and asked them to comment. 

BRIAN GOOGLE, CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICER, GOOGLE: 

There has been a few things mentioned to me over the past couple of months. Mostly related to tax. Where do you pay tax? How do you pay tax? Where is all the money? How is it that I, as an individual, am taxed on my GROSS income, yet you, as a company, can claim all sorts of nonsense back off the taxman and pay about three bucks in tax?

My friends, there is a very simple answer.

None of our earnings are actual money. For years myself and Mrs. Google have not really done very well. We are, as they say, in a bit of a pickle.

Last year we only earned $US 75 billion. That’s hardly anything. Money isn’t what it used to be. Back in the old days, before computers, people could go down to the shop with, say, £6, and buy a house. Now a house costs heaps more than that. Last time I looked you had to pay well over $10,000. That’s like a whole different kind of money.

Dollars are more expensive than pounds. So $US 75 billion really is only about £8. So we at Google are thinking that you’d be lucky to get anything for that kind of money so we sloshed it around and it kind of disappeared. Until our CFO picked up a 747 full of cash from the Cayman Islands.

COLIN SUPERNERD, CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICER, FACEBOOK:

People look at me and think, man what a dork. That nerd really is a dork. But when they find out I have billions and billions of dollars they all want to sleep with me. I’m not going to put that at risk by paying a few million in tax in a tiny little country that people think is part of Australia.

DR. DAVID RICHBASTARD, CHIEF OPERATING OFFICER, ASTRA XENICA: 

We make our money out of shafting sick people. So… meh.

SIMON FARQUEUE, PRESIDENT, EXXONMOBIL: 

We don’t comment on tax matters.

TIM COOK, CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICER, APPLE: 

Look, man. We’re so cool. We have all the cool stuff. Have you seen the latest iPhone. It’s like a totally different iPhone to the last iPhone, even though it looks, feels and is, exactly the same. It’s really cool. I’m cool. Have you seen me on the stage when I do something with a new Apple product. Man, I look cool. You’re just not very cool so… we won’t be paying tax.

Many of the other companies didn’t return our calls or laughed down the phone at us while playing this song:

Key vows not to apologise

Pressure is mounting on Prime Minister John Key to apologise for misleading New Zealanders last year over claims a number of jihadi brides had left the country to join ISIS.

At the time the Prime Minister said hundreds of kiwi women had left the country.

“I’ve seen reports that several dozen kiwi girls have headed to the Middle East. We need to be mindful that these 17 girls pose a national security risk and we must carefully monitor both of them.”

This week it has been revealed that no New Zealand citizens or residents had done this and, in fact, the person Key was perhaps thinking about had left from Australia.

During an interview with chief National Party media strategist Mike Hosking, Key said he wouldn’t be apologising.

“No Mike,” Key told the fawning broadcaster, “I won’t be apologising. In my time as PM, I’ve told literally millions of lies. I can’t be expected to apologise for every single lie I tell. If I did that I’d  be apologising most of the time and lying hardly at all. That’s just ridiculous.”

Hosking welcomed this news before loud face-sucking sounds were heard during the lead in to the news-break.

Big data for our little children

Hello. My name is Hekia Parata and I’m an ideas gal. I have lots and lots of ideas. Sometimes I bring these to cabinet. Sometimes they just laugh in my face. I thought getting rid of poverty by adding a zero on the end of everyone’s income. Not so.

But then I got to thinking… what if we just tinkered with the system. What if we held a MAJOR press conference making the announcement so it looked like we were doing something. Then we could hang about for six months and then announce it again. Now… that’s a plan.

I’ve always said the decile system was a blunt instrument. It needs to be replaced.

What if the National Party reinvented it? What if we said we’d  be able not only fix the decile system and get rid of poverty all at once?

What a load of rubbish, Hekia you’d say. Not at all, I’d reply.

So here’s the plan. We are going to track every piece of information the government has on a child from the time they are born until they are died. This information will be recorded by a vast range of government entities, then centralised in a huge database (already under conatruction and expected to be delivered past deadline and massively over budget).

On the database there will be all sorts of wonderful  information. Information about health, parental income, parental criminality, and parental voting intentions (among other things) will all be collated and used to better target our funding cuts.

Poor people are great because they’re working so hard they don’t have time to questions the government over mass privacy breaches. I mean, at the end of the day, the Privacy Act is really only a set of suggested guidelines rather than  “legislation” that needs to be followed. Well, that’s this government’s policy anyway.

We in National believe we should have all of the power and none of the responsibility. After all…that’s what leadership and governing is all about.

Anyhoo…. that’s me. See you later everyone.

Hek xx