A short bit from Judith Collins

Hello there my darlings. Judith here.

There’s been a lot of chatter in recent days and weeks regarding my ambitions to becoming the leader of a certain party of the blue persuasion.

I laugh at these suggestions. Everybody knows that John Key has my full backing as leader. I support him absolutely – one hundred percent. I stand behind him not with a sharpened knife but colourful feather duster because we jest and joke with each other all the time.

But I digress. He’s toast. And not just ordinary toast. No he’s the toast that you put down for a second time because it’s not quite done and then you forget about it because you’re making coffee and the next thing you know the smoke alarm is going off and your dog and children are howling in the hallway.

So… I have my ceremonial letter opener at the ready. I have the support of one-third of caucus. I suspect I will get the support of another third because they are so shit scared of doing any thinking on their own.

You know, they don’t call me Crusher because of my car crushing legislation. Oh no. Just think a thigh-master exercise but take away the thigh-master machine and insert a political editor.

Don’t leave the country any time soon Johnny. Unless you want to come back as tomorrow’s fish & chip wrapping.

Kind regards,

Jesus Collins

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