Monthly Archives: February, 2016

Minister announces exciting funding formula for education

Current Education Minister and well-loved closer Hekia Parata, has today announced a hugely exciting development in her charter schools policy.

The minister, speaking in front of a crowd of six as a guest at the ACT Party conference, outlined her plans to boost the performance of charter schools.

“The idea is to bring us in line with much of the public sector and many different private sector organisations,” the minister told the packed loungeroom, “by paying performance bonuses even when performance targets haven’t been met.”

Ms. Parata said charter school targets were only really suggested outcomes and it didn’t really matter if schools met them or not because, at the end of the day, the government was going to give them anything they wanted.

The speech was given a warm applause by the six old white dudes in the audience who were all in agreement that government subsidies were terrible when given to the poor, but wise and sensible when given to the rich.

When asked by waiting reporters how she was going to bridge the gap between funding levels of state schools and their operating costs, the minister laughed. And laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.

Adeiu to Muzza (McCully)

Here at MyThinks we’ve been following the career of Foreign Minister and former national Movember champion Murray McCully for some years now. From his time as Witchsmeller Pursuivant for the Bolger regime of the 1990s up until his current role of chief emissary between the current National-led coalition and the various military juntas around the Middle East. Recently McCully has been praised for his no-nonsense approach to the shifting of vast sums of money and the odd meat-works from New Zealand to well-known poor people, The Saudi Royal Family.

Today McCully called it a day. In a short statement released this morning, the MP for East Coast Bays announced he wouldn’t be standing as a candidate at the next election.

The minister said the decision wasn’t easy. He acknowledged the hard work of the East Coast Bays electorate committee and the lady members of the Browns Bay Bowling Club who, McCully said, cook a mean sausage role.

When asked about life after politics McCully was coy, however he said there had been many offers – particularly to clean up dead lambs on desert farms around the Saudi peninsula.

Thank you Mr McCully for your years of many service in discrediting people who even remotely questioned anything the National Party did. It’s a shame we will not longer feel your Machiavellian wrath or witness unique subsidies that are definitely not bribes even though you are paying money to someone to try to get them to do something which is technically a bribe except when you do it, in which case it’s a internationalised cash transfer.

Godspeed Muz. Good luck and godspeed.

Seven Sharp

Last week MyThinks was given exclusive behind-the-scenes access to the hit current affairs show Seven Sharp. We sat in on one of their production meetings to find out exactly what goes in to creating a show that is at the forefront of the current hegemonic zeitgeist. This is a transcript of that meeting.

Meeting opens. Production staff are seated around a large table. Dishy female presenter Toni Street is at one end of the table. At the other end is an empty seat with the words “reserved for Lord Hosking” written on it.

PRODUCER: Alright team. We’ve got a packed show tonight. There’s a story on sheep in Gore. We’ve got another about an old guy who was robbed because he gave his credit cards to a random bloke at the mall. We still have a gap though. Ideas?

ASSOCIATE PRODUCER: Can we do something about immigration? Most of our viewership are topping 70. More people coming into the country is bound to get them worked up. They’ll be outraged.

PRODUCER: Yes. Good. Good. That will tie in nicely with the talkback on Lord Hosking’s radio tomorrow.

ASSOCIATE PRODUCER: We could also profile a sportsman. That’ll fill in 12 minutes.

INTERN: What about hammering the National Government over the ponytail thing?

(all except intern laugh for 17 minutes)

PRODUCER: Look hun… we don’t do current affairs nonsense. Unless you’ve got a story about a three-legged surfing dog then I suggest you don’t say anything. Otherwise we’ll send you to Mediaworks to intern for Scout. Does anybody have anything?

(silence)

PRODUCER: Anybody?

(more silence)

PRODUCER: What about you Toni? Do you have anything?

Toni (giggles a light and fluffy giggle) Oh no. I don’t have a single thing. I just read the autocue (giggles again).

PRODUCER: And where’s Lord Hosking? His Greatness needs to be here. After all, without him we’re just Story. No offense Toni.

(Toni giggles.)

PRODUCER: Well this is annoying.

(Sound of late model European supercar pulling up outside. Car door opens and slams. Muffled sounds of arguement between parking officer and greatest broadcaster in history. Door opens soon after.)

LORD HOSKING: Sorry I’m late. I was hoovering the Maserate out on the street again. Haven’t been in the Woman’s Weekly for two weeks. Bit concerned. Fill me in. What’s happening?

PRODUCER: Oh, the usual. Sheep, old people and a big gap before My Kitchen Rules. Any thoughts?

LORD HOSKING: Well… what about me speaking. I know a lot of people, especially me, love to hear my voice. We could just have my comment go on for longer.

PRODUCER: Genius! Ok… so you’ve got 14 minutes at the end of the programme Lord Hosking. What do you have planned?

LORD HOSKING: I’m just waiting on a text from John Key. As soon as he tells me what I’m going to say I’ll know what I’m going to say.

PRODUCER: Alrighty then. Game on. See you all at 6:53.

(Meeting ends. People leave room and go about work.)

(Toni giggles.)

**for RM**

A short bit from Judith Collins

Hello there my darlings. Judith here.

There’s been a lot of chatter in recent days and weeks regarding my ambitions to becoming the leader of a certain party of the blue persuasion.

I laugh at these suggestions. Everybody knows that John Key has my full backing as leader. I support him absolutely – one hundred percent. I stand behind him not with a sharpened knife but colourful feather duster because we jest and joke with each other all the time.

But I digress. He’s toast. And not just ordinary toast. No he’s the toast that you put down for a second time because it’s not quite done and then you forget about it because you’re making coffee and the next thing you know the smoke alarm is going off and your dog and children are howling in the hallway.

So… I have my ceremonial letter opener at the ready. I have the support of one-third of caucus. I suspect I will get the support of another third because they are so shit scared of doing any thinking on their own.

You know, they don’t call me Crusher because of my car crushing legislation. Oh no. Just think a thigh-master exercise but take away the thigh-master machine and insert a political editor.

Don’t leave the country any time soon Johnny. Unless you want to come back as tomorrow’s fish & chip wrapping.

Kind regards,

Jesus Collins

Key is totally awesome

John Keys is the greatest prime minister this country has ever seen. He and his beloved National Party preside over so many wonderful policies such as the closing of schools, the hungrying of children and the cow-pooing of rivers. So often many of us sit around here in the MyThinks office sipping our Home Brand instant coffees and just marvelling at what a joyous time he has wreaked upon our nation.

This week we get to vote in a flag referendum. This is a postal vote. In a couple of weeks we will get to post off our votes for the current New Zealand flag so we can get on with our lives. When Keys looks back on his legacy he’ll say, “Well, I spent $26 million asking people to vote for something they didn’t want and my election strategist got smacked in the face with an adult toy.”

Perhaps others will be kinder. “Don’t forget your sexual harassment of a service industry worker. And the overuse of phrases like at the end of the day or it’s all Labour’s fault. Or all those blokey jokes about prison showers. People really loved that sort of stuff.”

At the MyThinks office we’ve decided to hold a sweep. Everyone puts in $5 and writes a guess of when Crusher or Joyce or Bridges or Gower (or whichever right-wing sock puppet they think will replace Keys) up on the office whiteboard. If Keys lasts until our Melbourne Cup sweep we might have to buy a new whiteboard.

Anyway, here’s to the greatest prime minister in history. He’s awesome. He said so himself.