Hello Nu Zilnd! It’s your beloved prime minister here ready to get cracking on a brand-new year of political point scoring generally at the expense of others less fortunate than myself.
I have been quiet for a few weeks. Like you, I’ve been spending time at a multi-million dollar beach front house in Hawaii. Bronagh and I also crammed in a classic Californian road trip. You should’ve heard us belting out “Hello” on the freeway. No Prius had ever heard such a chorus.
I’ve come back to some fantastic news! Auckland is now in the top 5 for most unaffordable cities in the world to live. Top 5! C’mon Nu Zilnd! That’s almost number one!! I know we can do it.
I am aware, however, that there is a slight down side to housing unaffordablity. Some people, like cleaners, gardeners, waiting staff, actually many, many thousands of workers in the service sector along with nurses, care workers, teachers and doctors as well as thousands of self employed people can’t afford to live in unaffordable housing.
That’s a real shame because, as me and many of my cabinet colleagues know, owning unaffordable housing makes one very, very well off.
This is why the National government has a plan.
We want to be at number one on the housing unaffordablity ladder by the end of this parliament. Why should we languish in the lower reaches of the top 5 when we could be on top? I know my investment portfolio demands it.
We need cheaper interest rates, ridiculous speculation and above all else, a cabinet with their snouts so deeply embedded in the trough they are drowning in their own slops.
Now, this may sound short-sighted to some of those people I mentioned earlier (the poor ones, not my cabinet colleagues). Don’t worry. We have a solid plan for you.
Why not move to Ashburton? Or Mosgiel? Or Taumaranui? These are all places to live. Sure there may not be many jobs you want to do and sure you may be hundreds of kilometers away from your extended families, but what could be more exciting than a long car journey to a place where you could start work at the bottom of the fast food industry? Awesome, huh?
Anyway, I better go because I’m off to sign away New Zilnd’s sovereignty at the casino with a bunch of other gamblers.
Have a nice year!!