A Flag Waves for Thee

It is a wonderful day my fellow New Zealanders. I, John Key, your esteemed leader am full of playful banter. We’ve all had our say. Thank you for participating in this month’s referendum.

The results are in. We now have a two-horse race between our current flag and all it represents in the building of our young nation and a logo the Flag Consideration Panel spotted on the back of a pack of tissues in the Hataitai $2 Shop.

At the end of the day, the important thing is that the design I told the panel to put on the referendum twice has won.

We also need to remember that as we reach the end of our shelf-lives, great politicians such as myself, start thinking about their legacy. In our time in office, what have we done to impact the country? Helen Clark created Working for Families; Michael Cullen set up the Cullen Superannuation Fund; Sir Robert Muldoon called a general election after drinking a case of single malt.

All these people have done something. What have I done? What will I be remembered for? Sure, a bit of blokey sexual harassment or weeing in the shower looks good on your resumĂ© when you’re applying for a cushy job at the IMF, but imagine being the guy that forced a referendum that nobody wanted on a country that didn’t care. And then won?

Now that would be an achievement.

So when you vote in the second part of this flag referendum, just remember that you’d be doing me a solid if you voted for my logo.


John Key,
Head of Bantery Harassment,
The National Party of New Zealand.


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