I’m Murray McCully and I’m Grate

Hello. Murray McCully speaking. I’m the Minister for Foreign Affairs, Dark Arts, and Bribery.

This week there’s been some concern raised from a few quarters about this current government paying for the construction of an abattoir for a random Saudi businessman. Some people are worried that as National spends millions on this one particular businessman that we might be setting some kind of precedent.

I can assure you that this is absolutely not the case.

The major concern people seem to have is that we are bribing this random Saudi in order to gain some kind of free trade agreement with a country that doesn’t allow women to drive. This is utterly ridiculous.

We are not attempting to bribe this man. A bribe is something you give to someone to get them to do something. A gift, on the other hand, is somehing you give to someone to get them to do something.

As many other business people out there will realise, bribery involves the handing over of large amounts of cash in order to gain some kind of special favours. We are not handing over cash. We are handing over buildings, animals and tonnes of desert-friendly grass seed. Those aren’t bribes. They are gifts.

Everybody likes gifts. As we lead into Christmas, a time that many Westerners such as ourselves exchange all sorts of gifts – some of which may include buildings, animals or large amounts of desert-friendly grass seed – we must celebrate. Let’s celebrate the fact that once a gift is given the reward is in the receiving of the free trade agreement and other unnamed kickbacks.

That is why it’s so important to give bribes gifts this holiday season.

Happy holidays one and all.

Muz

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