Monthly Archives: December, 2015

Summer Hiatus

Hello.

MyThinks has made the unremarkable decision to blog about its plans not to blog over the coming Christmas / New Year period.

It’s important to remember this is a very slow news period with most politicians taking extended leave to attend very important family get-togethers at their Hawaiian baches. Other politicians might spend a bit of time reading about things written by Danielle Steel or the new Booker Prize-esque offering from EL James. Some United Future politicians may be spending Christmas with their hair.

Either way, they won’t be in Wellington doing what they should be doing. So, unless there is anything to write about, we won’t be writing about anything.

We thought it was important to put this in words because a few other bloggers had and we didn’t want to be left out of the slacking off loop.

Cheers and Merry Christmas.

Boonman xx

Our Chartnership School Policy is Just so Damn Awesome

What follows is a transcript of a press conference given by Education Minister Hekia Parata when announcing the closure of the Whangaruru partnership school earlier this week.

HEKIA: Hello everyone. I’ve called you here today to announce the closure of the Whangaruru partnership school in sunny Northland. Despite our best efforts,  this school has failed to live up to the high standards we set for education in this country. The board will have time to consider its options and I expect them to make their submission to me early next year before making the final decision. Thank you. Are there any questions?

TRACEY – NZ HERALD: Do you see this as a failure for your partnership schools policy?

HEKIA: Absolutely not. This decision from the government shows the strength of this ACT Party policy. Currently we have 4 out of 5 partnership schools remaining open next year. That’s an 80% success rate. Frankly I would have been stoked with 80% in School C.

ANDREA – TVNZ: Is it true that concerns were raised even before the school opened?

HEKIA: Yes. It’s true there were a few teething issues in the run up to the school opening and the whole time the school was opened. This is to be expected from the exciting world of unqualified and inexperienced educators.

BARRY – NEWSTALK ZB: Isn’t this policy just a joke? Aren’t you a joke? You’re a joke, aren’t you? You joke.

HEKIA: I’m not sure that’s a question Barry, but I’ll answer it anyway. This policy is not a joke. No. I’m not a joke. In fact, I have never been more…

BARRY – NEWSTALK ZB: Stupid joke!

HEKIA: …serious in my entire life. I intend to…..

BARRY – NEWSTALK ZB: baaahaaaahahahahaaaaa. What a great joke!!

HEKIA: Be quiet you toady little man or I will tell on you to the Prime Minister. He knows heaps of people. YOU’LL NEVER WORK IN THIS TOWN AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you all for coming. Good afternoon.

BARRY – NEWSTALK ZB: Total joke.

ENDS

A Flag Waves for Thee

It is a wonderful day my fellow New Zealanders. I, John Key, your esteemed leader am full of playful banter. We’ve all had our say. Thank you for participating in this month’s referendum.

The results are in. We now have a two-horse race between our current flag and all it represents in the building of our young nation and a logo the Flag Consideration Panel spotted on the back of a pack of tissues in the Hataitai $2 Shop.

At the end of the day, the important thing is that the design I told the panel to put on the referendum twice has won.

We also need to remember that as we reach the end of our shelf-lives, great politicians such as myself, start thinking about their legacy. In our time in office, what have we done to impact the country? Helen Clark created Working for Families; Michael Cullen set up the Cullen Superannuation Fund; Sir Robert Muldoon called a general election after drinking a case of single malt.

All these people have done something. What have I done? What will I be remembered for? Sure, a bit of blokey sexual harassment or weeing in the shower looks good on your resumé when you’re applying for a cushy job at the IMF, but imagine being the guy that forced a referendum that nobody wanted on a country that didn’t care. And then won?

Now that would be an achievement.

So when you vote in the second part of this flag referendum, just remember that you’d be doing me a solid if you voted for my logo.

Cheers.

John Key,
Head of Bantery Harassment,
The National Party of New Zealand.

Jude’s back

Hello one and all.

There I was, sitting alone on the back benches, inserting barbed pins into a voodoo doll when all of a sudden… quicker than you could say “machiavallian Thatcher,” I was thrust  back into the limelight.

I don’t care much for pleasantries but Sam, you’re softer than a cycleway policy. If I was in your shoes I would have… Oh wait… I am.

Before I go any further I would like to state clearly and unequivocally for the record that I completely and utterly endorse John Key as our leader. He has my full support. 100%. That’s a lot of support.

I’d also like to acknowledge Southern Autos Manukau, without whom I would have looked like a washed up back-bencher desperate for publicity.

Well… now I have my beloved Corrections back. Serco is my new circus. Come at me with your questions media. I will bat them away with a passive-aggressive come-on/put-down followed up with some shrill and overly libellous bleating from Cam over at Blubber Oil.

I’m back and I’m angry/horny.

Jude.

I’m Murray McCully and I’m Grate

Hello. Murray McCully speaking. I’m the Minister for Foreign Affairs, Dark Arts, and Bribery.

This week there’s been some concern raised from a few quarters about this current government paying for the construction of an abattoir for a random Saudi businessman. Some people are worried that as National spends millions on this one particular businessman that we might be setting some kind of precedent.

I can assure you that this is absolutely not the case.

The major concern people seem to have is that we are bribing this random Saudi in order to gain some kind of free trade agreement with a country that doesn’t allow women to drive. This is utterly ridiculous.

We are not attempting to bribe this man. A bribe is something you give to someone to get them to do something. A gift, on the other hand, is somehing you give to someone to get them to do something.

As many other business people out there will realise, bribery involves the handing over of large amounts of cash in order to gain some kind of special favours. We are not handing over cash. We are handing over buildings, animals and tonnes of desert-friendly grass seed. Those aren’t bribes. They are gifts.

Everybody likes gifts. As we lead into Christmas, a time that many Westerners such as ourselves exchange all sorts of gifts – some of which may include buildings, animals or large amounts of desert-friendly grass seed – we must celebrate. Let’s celebrate the fact that once a gift is given the reward is in the receiving of the free trade agreement and other unnamed kickbacks.

That is why it’s so important to give bribes gifts this holiday season.

Happy holidays one and all.

Muz