Government announces exciting education plans

PRESS RELEASE: Ministry of Education / Department of Corrections

The government is pleased to announce the awarding of a brand new chartnership school contract to award-winning prison operator Serco.

Hekia Parata, Minister for Edurections, made the announcement at a breakfast speech to the Tauranga Rotary Club earlier today. She says the prison operator Serco is the ideal partner for the government as it expands its chartnership school programme.

The latest contract, signed with Serco last week, combines the best parts of both the worlds of education and corrections.

Head of Serco New Zealand, Dr Archibald Nocomment, has said the new school is a very exciting development for his organisation.

“We hope that our inmates will learn heaps in the hour a day they are allowed into our innovative learning environment. There are many bean bags and break-out spaces as well as plenty of balconies at this well catered for facility. All the balconies have great views and are excellent places to learn about concepts of gravity and flight. Also, we’re very excited about the innovative physical education programme centered around a self-managed boxing club.”

Minister Parata says only the most deserving of students will spend time at the exciting new institution.

“We will pick the students from across the country. The lucky candidates will be chosen based on their literacy and numeracy skills and their ability to construct shanks out of everyday items.”

The campus, being constructed deep in the Ureweras, is due to open early next year just in time for the beginning of the school term. Ms. Parata says the school will offer a wide range of NCEA courses and possibly, if time allows, rote learning of the times tables.

Peseta Sam Lotu-Liga, Minister of Correctucation, said “baaaaaaablblblbblalalalalaghghhghgagajgalgkjagj! Not listening! Not listening!!!”



Charter school rewards children with “anything they want”

A charter school in West Auckland has leapt to the defence of itself after allegations it served KFC to its students.

The allegations came to light after it was confirmed that Hekia Parata had asked the ministry to investigate after parent and teacher complaints about behaviour policies, bullying, lack of cultural awareness, safety and drugs at Middle School West Auckland.

The school, set up under the ACT Party’s flagship charter school scheme, has come under fire in recent days with following the revelations.

In a short press conference held during a school trip to the Henderson mall food court, unqualified educator and brick-layer Brian Fowler, a representative from the Villa Education Trust which runs the school hit back.

“We’re just a small school trying to do right by our kids,” said Fowler, “and we are not going to stand by and listen to people with no idea tell us how to run our schools.”

“Often in West and South Auckland, where our schools are, it’s very hard to get our kids into schools, let alone behaving themselves when they get here. Our policy is simple, if they do what we want, they get a reward. If, say, a student hasn’t been turning up to school and they turn up to school then they might get a lamington. If they usually hit someone and then one day they don’t hit anyone, then we might give them some lollies or a pack of smokes.

“Occasionally a child might go a whole week without stealing a staff car so we might give them a free car.”

Fowler says the trust says it doesn’t shy away from its policy of rewarding students anything they want because it gets results.

“Students are more likely to do what you want when you give them stuff like pizza, lollies, toys, technological devices, weapons and cash.”

When asked what the school did to improve learning outcomes for students in its care, Fowler said, “I repeat, pizza, lollies, toys, technological devices, weapons and cash.”

Labour: The House that I Built

Hello and greetings to you all. I am the Labour Party’s spokesperson on housing issues. There have been many housing issues recently and I wanted to talk about some of them.

Firstly, even though we have dropped the capital gains tax idea, we firmly believe that this might, or might not, reign in the rampant Auckland property market. Whether this policy makes it into law really does depend on whether the media keep giving us a hard time about it. Sometimes we think the media are unfair with their criticism, especially when they are criticising us.

Secondly, I was lucky enough to come into possession of some pretty startling figures on foreign-sounding people buying up New Zealand houses. We’ve done a bit if computer work and chucked some names on my list through the Commodore 64 at Labour HQ and I can tell you it makes pretty startling reading. Over 90% of Auckland home buyers have foreign-sounding names or names that are hard for me to say. There are but a small percentage with indigenous-sounding names like Iti or Paora or Henare.

Imagine having a foreign-sounding name AND being able to go out and buying a house.

This is startling.

What kind of world are we living in here? Some kind of tin-pot dictatorship?

This is startling.

I have hardly any houses so it concerns me that people are buying houses. What are the National government doing about it? Nothing. They are just making it easier for people with no houses to buy houses by going out there and showing people where there aren’t houses and telling them there should be houses there or something.

How can foreign-sounding people be allowed to own kiwi-sounding houses?

Mind you… people outside Auckland would probably like some capital gain on their house. Or jobs and stuff? Maybe we should let the market run? Perhaps I should spend time on that instead of trying to get votes back off Winston…?

Hekia Parata praises successful chartnership school

Education Minister Hekia Parata is praising successful Northland chartnership school Te Kura Hourua O Whangarei Terenga Paraoa. This week it was announced the He Puna Marama Trust which runs the kura had run so successfully it had made a surplus of over $2.5 million.

Parata, who opened the school back at the beginning of 2014 in a lavish ceremony involving dancing gorillas shipped in by private jet from Rwanda, says it is fabulous for a school to make such huge profits while only be running for such a short time.

“This is such a great result for our chartnership school programme,” said the minister, “because the surplus is such a big number.”

Earlier yesterday the minister, along with 7000 New Foundland rock lobsters, was helecoptered in to the kura by the board of trustees for a traditional crayfish burning ceremony. She was then helecoptered out for lunch before being helecoptered back in for an afternoon tea of gold-plated caviar and a glass or two of 1863 Chateau de Belvedere.

“It’s wonderful,” said Parata, “that this kura can offer so much for so little.”

The minister finished the afternoon with a bath in fresh dolphin milk – something the kura has come to be known for among the local elite – and some Kentucky-fried Kereru.

Judith Collins: I believe in the police

Who would want to be an undercover police officer? You put your life on the line, you leave your home and family, you assume an identity, you live with people who are violent drug dealers in constant fear for your life, and then they start to suspect you.

Back in 2009, Nelson police targeted the Red Devils gang in the undercover Operation Explorer. Explorer resulted in more than 150 charges. That sounds like a great result to me.

Then the case got thrown out because Justice Collins decided the police had “broken” the “law” by forging some documents.

Now call me old-fashioned but I thought the whole point of a police investigation was to get a prosecution? If you put in all that time and money in you need to have some people in prison at the end of it. Surely?

Those poor Nelson police didn’t even get to crush a vehicle.

Police Assistant Commissioner Malcolm Burgess has said officers involved in breaking the law “were acting in the honest belief that their actions were legal because they were the police and the gang members were all really dodgy looking with tats and stuff.”

I agree with the police. It’s simply outrageous that people who have tattoos, beards, loud motorcycles and listen to 1980s Metallica albums are still out on the streets.

When will this utter nonsense end?

There are a couple of simple solutions. Parliament could amend the law to allow police to take the action deemed necessary to protect officers risking their lives. After all, if faked identity documents and even birth certificates can be used to provide a cover story for victims of domestic violence trying to escape their abusive psrtners, many people would say, what’s the difference with a faked search warrant? Or why can’t the police embezzle money from various organisations if it means realising more money for frontline officers? Or why can’t they taser hippies? Or perjure themselves? Or become drug dealers to try and clear out our bulging evidence rooms? Or give suspects the bash if they’re not cooperative? Or plant evidence if they don’t have quite enough for a prosecution and they’re pretty sure they’ve got the guy?

The difference is that some of those are allowed by law and some aren’t.

Sometimes the law really is an ass. This is one of them. We should change it.