Bill English: My weightloss nightmare

Finance Minister Bill English today announced he had lost a load of weight. The former leader of the National Party branch of Weight Watchers said he had lost nearly 10 kilograms. The announcement was made at an official weigh-in in the Mhairi Duckworth room at the Thorndon Bowling Club.

Today’s announcement was significant. English has struggled with his weight for many, many years. His troubles first began just after puberty when he suffered what experts later called a “hormone imbalance” and he put on over 90kgs in little under three weeks. After years of being tormented by local bullies English discovered local politics.

“I initially joined the National Party as a 147kg sixteen year old,” English told My Thinks following the weigh-in, “I was looking for acceptance and I was taken in by local hero and Minister of Railways Peter Gordon. He offered me all the support and biscuits I needed during such a dark time in my life.”

The future Finance Minister and one-time party leader spend years in a dieting yo-yo tailspin. He tried diet after diet after diet before finally finding the one that led him to shedding all those pounds.

“The weight really came off when I started in my job as Finance Minister after the 2008 general election. As I started restricting resources and funding from the public sector, somehow my body started restricting resources to itself. The more assets I sold, the more weight I lost. It was like I could do no wrong. I lost 10 kilograms the week after we realised what a dog Novopay was.”

Bill English is now a lithe 85kgs and has been able to do up his own shoe-laces since late last year. When asked if they would be giving Gerry Brownlie any role in the finance portfolios, English’s reply was short and simple:

“Hell no.”

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