Pre-budget Speech on Tax by John Key

Good afternoon. So good to see so many of you here today. Even though this isn’t an official National Party fundraiser, thank you for the many, many cheques for exactly fourteen hundred and ninety-nine dollars. As always, these anonymous contributions will be passed directly to our friends in the media and black ops.

But I digrest. Today I’m here to give you some insight into our plans for the budget.

Recently there has been a lot of talk about the Auckland housing crisis. I can state here and now that there is no crisis. Absolutely no crisis. Everything is totally peachy. And if Auckland Council weren’t so fixated on trains and bus lanes they would be able to deal with the lack of supply causing this massive demand. There is no crisis in Auckland housing.

Some people have suggested we deal with the perceived issues in Auckland by introducing a capital gains tax. A capital gains tax will not work. It hasn’t worked in Australia; house prices are still rising. A CGT will be impossible to administer. Inland Revenue will be forever chasing up home and business owners. All our research shows is a CGT costing the country millions of dollars and not delivering the results needed for struggling Kiwi families.

That is why I’m excited to announce a capital gains tax to deal with the Auckland housing crisis.

Thank you and good afternoon.


Hekia beckons men

More men in teaching.

The call has been made today by Education Minister Hekia Parata. Ms. Parata was sharing her views with Te Awamutu residents, some of whom were slightly put out by her approaches outside the McDonald’s drive-thru.

Men in teaching, good old charter schools, and how to get more special needs children removed from official government statistics were all on the menu today in the small Waikato town.

Attracting some of New Zealand’s best and brightest into teaching is the key.

“I haven’t focussed to much on whether they’re men or whether they’re women but if it is a higher-performing profession, I think that will attract more attractive men,” she said.

“I’m not going to have a quota for men. But it would be nice to see more men.”

Parata laments the fact there are so few men teaching in New Zealand.

“It’s so sad to walk into a school and see no men. Men are have so much to offer our young minds and our old eyes,” she said.

“Just once I’d like to walk into a classroom, surprise a Justin Timberlake-like teacher leading to a slight fumble with his whiteboard marker. Maybe he bends to retrieve it he perhaps lingers a little too long before turning, raising one eyebrow in an appropriately provocative manner before saying, “Yes, Minister?” in a deeply soothing and arousingly educational way. That’s my vision for New Zealand,” she said.

During her time in Waikato, Parata visited McDonald’s, Wendy’s and a dairy in Huntly.

Bill English: My weightloss nightmare

Finance Minister Bill English today announced he had lost a load of weight. The former leader of the National Party branch of Weight Watchers said he had lost nearly 10 kilograms. The announcement was made at an official weigh-in in the Mhairi Duckworth room at the Thorndon Bowling Club.

Today’s announcement was significant. English has struggled with his weight for many, many years. His troubles first began just after puberty when he suffered what experts later called a “hormone imbalance” and he put on over 90kgs in little under three weeks. After years of being tormented by local bullies English discovered local politics.

“I initially joined the National Party as a 147kg sixteen year old,” English told My Thinks following the weigh-in, “I was looking for acceptance and I was taken in by local hero and Minister of Railways Peter Gordon. He offered me all the support and biscuits I needed during such a dark time in my life.”

The future Finance Minister and one-time party leader spend years in a dieting yo-yo tailspin. He tried diet after diet after diet before finally finding the one that led him to shedding all those pounds.

“The weight really came off when I started in my job as Finance Minister after the 2008 general election. As I started restricting resources and funding from the public sector, somehow my body started restricting resources to itself. The more assets I sold, the more weight I lost. It was like I could do no wrong. I lost 10 kilograms the week after we realised what a dog Novopay was.”

Bill English is now a lithe 85kgs and has been able to do up his own shoe-laces since late last year. When asked if they would be giving Gerry Brownlie any role in the finance portfolios, English’s reply was short and simple:

“Hell no.”