Rodney Hide: They’re all after me, man…

The state apparently has me under covert investigation.

It all started a couple of weeks ago when I was followed home by some guy in a long coat and dark glasses. It was 27 degrees and cloudy.

My friends have also been summonsed by an insolvency officer. They were served and forced, against their will, to give testimony. This goes completely against our democratic right of freedom of speech and freedom of association – except for gangs and other groups that ACT don’t like.

On Thursday I emailed the PI firm. Nothing. Except that I was followed again – this time through a mall when I was out shopping with my family. I was pretty sure the guy following me was dressed in full cammo gear, or he might have been that other guy who was looking at me funny while I was in line at the KFC. I mean, what’s this all about?

I put a call in to Steven Joyce’s office. When I was leaving a message (he wouldn’t take my call) I heard clicks on the line. They’re listen to me as well.

I complained to the Privacy Commissioner and I heard nothing back. Why would the Privacy Commissioner not answer to my complaint? People following me is clearly an invasion of my privacy. I am certain this is a vendetta.

Then I went into the MBIE offices in Christchurch. I sat in the foyer for two hours. They asked me to move along. I’m just sitting there waiting for someone who never shows up and they ask me to move on. The “man” is onto me.

I can’t walk outside, talk on my phone or drive my car without being followed or listened to. Why? Why am I under investigation? They won’t tell me, yet here we are. Talking about an investigation that isn’t, people following me who aren’t, and things I’m seeing that I’m not.



John Key’s guide to Shenanigans and Horseplay

The following speech was delivered by John Key, Prime Minister, to the annual general meeting of the New Zealand Association for Japes, Horseplay and Tomfoolery earlier this year. 

Good afternoon. First up I’d like to thank members for extending the offer to speak. As a well-known lover of banter, horseplay and general tomfoolery I have spent many, many hours initiating and engaging in all manner of antics. This is such a huge honour.

We live in such a serious world. We are all working so hard. Day by day, week by week, we struggle as we wake up early, head off to work, work hard, work late, get home late and flop in to bed exhausted. So often we just don’t have the time to just have a laugh. I’m here today to make the call for fun. We should have much more fun.

Take, for instance, your workplace. As I’ve said, so often we just trudge into our workplace and do the job we’ve been hired to do. Why not turn that drudge around. Instead of sitting next to your workmate, why not sit on their lap and pretend you didn’t see them! Genius!! Why not pretend to talk on the phone all day – do what I do. “Yeah, nah. Yeah, nah. Yeah, nah. Yeah, nah. Yeah, nah. Yeah, nah.” What about a downtrou? There’s nothing more hilarious than a colleague fumbling desperately around his ankles to try to lift his chinos back to their usual position.

What about when you’re out and about? Instead of picking on your colleagues, why not try to impress them instead by engaging in horseplay with a like-minded love of horseplay. Punches on the arm, loud catch-phrases, tugs of each others forelocks – all these extremely chucklesome activities certainly add a great level of boisterousness to any cafe-centred business meeting.

I certainly know Bronagh loves my practical jokery. April Fools Day in our house is a riot! Last year I placed a banana skin on every single step of our plush townhouse. Oh how we laughed as Dr. Phelps reset her hips.

So in conclusion it’s important that we spice up our world with as much horseplay as we possibly can.

Banter makes our world go round. Yeah?

Enjoy the rest of your meeting. Cheers for listening.


Bridge’s Bridges

Minister for Bridges, Simon Bridges, is denying breaching the Cabinet Manual in relation to the bridges policy announced during the recent Northland by-election.

Papers released under the Official Information Act suggest Bridges sought bridge information on several bridge sites in Northland as the National Party attempted to build bridges with an electorate ebbing towards Winston Peters.

Bridges said, “the information on bridges was received in my capacity as Simon Bridges, Minister of Bridges, and not in my National Party role as JohnKeyWannabe.”

The opposition was scathing in its assessment.
“This is a bridge too far from Bridges,” opined Damien O’Conner the Labour Party spokeperson on small to medium river crossings,”National has burnt their bridges in Northland; now Bridges trying to bridge the gap with bridges. ”

Winston Peters was equally critical. “I am the greatest of all time! You know I’m bad. Just last week, I murdered a rock; injured a stone; hospitalised a brick. I’m so mean, I make medicine sick.”

When asked about the Ausitor General looking into his bridges, Bridges said, “we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.”

John Key: “Getting into surplus is heaps difficult, bro.”

Being the official government radio network, we here at Newstalk ZB believe it’s important we interview Prime Minister John Key from time to time – particularly when the government are facing vast and unwarranted criticism from far left bloggers and twitter-based froot-loops.

This week we’re talking surplus. Mr. Key was kind enough to give up his busy schedule taking selfies with teenagers and speaking to well-dressed business people to speak to us.

ZB: Thanks for joining us Prime Minister.

JK: Oh.. ahh.. thenks for having me.

ZB: Look. You’re facing serious criticism in the lead up to the budget as yet again you and your government struggle to bring the books back into the black.

JK: Oh, no… I don’t think that’s true.

ZB: What? The surplus? The criticism?

JK: Ahh… everything. Everything about that question isn’t true and let me tell you why. As a government, we have never said that we’re going to bring the books back into surplus. Not once. Never.

ZB: Oh.. ok. So you’ve never said that?

JK: No never.

ZB: So Bill English has never said it.

JK: Nope. Never.

ZB: That’s good then. I’ll have to have a word to the sound guy in parliament about all those years of mis-recording the words of Bill English. There must be something technically wrong with our equipment down there.

JK: And it’s Labour’s fault.

ZB: Yes. That’s probably right. So how come, with the rock-star economy that you keep talking about, you’ve found it so hard to bring the books back into surplus? What makes it so hard?

JK: Well it’s like trying to land a 747 on a pinhead.

ZB: That would be, like, totally impossible. A 747 is really huge and a pin is really, really small.

JK: I know! That’s why we can’t do it. I mean we’ve been sitting around the cabinet table for years trying to come up with metaphors to explain how hard it is to get into surplus.

ZB: I can imagine…

JK: Yes. There was a point where we only had a couple of sub-par similies. It’s as hard as a rock and it’s as tough as a King Country prop but none really exited our juices as much as the 747 metaphor.

ZB: And who came up with that?

JK: It was kind of a group effort between Steven Joyce and Gerry Brownlee. It helped that the pie-man used to be a teacher and knew about language features and stuff.

ZB: Well thanks for coming in today prime minister.

JK: Thenks heaps. That interview was more choice than Countdown.

Houses are totally affordable. What are you talking about?

Greetings to you all. I’m Mike Hosking and as official National Party spokesperson on everything, I’ve been asked to speak on behalf of the government to debunk the many myths being spread about the Auckland housing market.

There are several things people need to be aware of before they start bleating on about not being able to afford a house in Auckland.

Firstly, this is Auckland. One of the key things that has transformed a beautiful harbour village into the greatest city in Australasia is rampant property speculation. You just have to attend a meeting of the Orewa Business Owner’s Association to realise the powerful aphrodisiac speculatory property investment has become. As an owner of several Auckland properties and several others dotted around various beachy vacation spots around Aotearoa, I can safely attest that what I am saying is words. Words are important. If you say enough words, then at some point people begin listening. The words I am saying at the moment is that property investment is a good thing. Those are some good words.

Secondly, while the average house price in the old Auckland City zone might be around $1 million, you’ve got to remember if you don’t have that kind of money then you probably shouldn’t be trying to buy one of those houses. Maybe you should think about living somewhere like Hamilton, Palmerston North or Timaru where house prices are far less out of your league. As I understand it there are many, many zero hour contracts on offer at the hundreds of fast food outlets in those (an other) towns that would definitely set you on the path to one bedroom apartment ownership.

Thirdly, and I’m only saying this because so many people are thinking it, if you are too poor to afford to buy a house WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!? You should rent. Definitely you should rent. Rent one of my houses. I have many, many houses.

Fourthly, if John Key says there is no crisis, there is definitely no crisis.

Enjoy the rest of your evening as I am to enjoy this expensive Hawkes Bay chardonnay.


Mike Hosking