John Key’s open letter to all those delicious Northland voters

Dear Northland,

I’m fine. How are you?

It has been a very long, long time since we’ve seen each other. I’ve been doing well. Lots and lots of things have been going on in my life, but I’m not at liberty to comment on operational matters at this stage.

I hope you guys are going ok? I see that over 7500 new jobs have been created by my party. You must be really stoked with this. It’s exciting times when the Household Labour Force Survey reports so many hundreds of jobs all being created by this wonderful National government. I know what you’re thinking – measuring jobs that are from one hour a week shouldn’t really count in these “statistics.” But think about it. Working for an hour a week for minimum wage definitely makes you feel more worthwhile than working no hours a week for 10 times as much benefit money.

Northland, my friend, you need these one hour per week zero hour contracts. They’re good for you. Really, really good for you. I know if I had the choice I’d prefer to feed my family on self worth rather than food.

My dear Northland. You must also be sick and tired of waiting in long queues of traffic at all those extremely remote one-lane bridges. I’ve dipped into the kitty and shuffled things around a bit and I’m excited to say that we’ve found several spare millions to turn these monolithic eyesores into beautiful two-lane mega-structures. Yes, perhaps several hundred ancient kauri will need to be trimmed and/or made into coffee tables for all those state houses we’ve sold in Glen Innes, but this is a tiny price to pay for just a few thousand votes.

Well, Northland, I might see you again before the end of the campaign. You definitely will see Simon Bridges again. He’s awesome. He’s like a young me but with slightly less charisma and a slightly higher measure on the Stanford imbecilic Scale. Plus, you won’t be seeing your candidate Mark Something again. We’ve hidden him in a container at Whangarei harbour with postage to Port Villa. Hopefully that works.

I love you, Northland, and you love National. Remember that.

John  xxxx

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