John Key: Look, people, there’s absolutely nothing, NOTHING, to worry about

Hello Nu Zilnd. My name is John Key and I am your leader.

Many things have been said this week about New Zealand spying on our Pacific neighbours. I am both saddened, outraged and nonplussed by the allegations.

Let me please refute them with a series of well thought out arguments that appear to be slightly if not utterly abusive.

  1. Even though the Kitterage report upheld many of the allegations outlined in the Dirty Politics book, none of those allegations are true and in fact, these allegations, which are also not true, are untrue.
  2. Nicky Hager is a well-known left-wing conspiracy theorist. I saw him one time at a conference of UFOlogists (the only reason I was there was due to the fact it was at Sky City and I needed to pick up 57 checks made out directly to the National Party so they didn’t appear on our annual returns). He was doing a Spock handshake with some guy wearing a Dungeons & Dragons t-shirt. Nerd.
  3. Hager doesn’t know what he’s talking about.
  4. The documents are old and completely out of date.
  5. Look, I’m not going to comment on operational matters. Not only would that break a long-standing convention, but it would also mean I’d be talking about stuff I don’t want to talk about.
  6. Unless I actually declassify documents to back up my argument and make myself look good.
  7. We need to monitor Kiribati because of all the anti-American terrorists who have made their lives there.
  8. I don’t have to tell you anything.
  9. Snowden is a hippy.
  10. ISIL.
  11. The guy who drove my diplomatic vehicle the other day was talking about the cricket and how well the Black Caps are going at the moment. I told him that I was at the cricket on Saturday when we thrashed the Ozzies.
  12. Golf with Obama.

So you can see, although I’m not willing to make any comment on these matters, there are plenty of reasons why we need to be carrying out mass data collection on our Pacific neighbours, even though we’re not doing it.



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