John Key’s open letter to all those delicious Northland voters

Dear Northland,

I’m fine. How are you?

It has been a very long, long time since we’ve seen each other. I’ve been doing well. Lots and lots of things have been going on in my life, but I’m not at liberty to comment on operational matters at this stage.

I hope you guys are going ok? I see that over 7500 new jobs have been created by my party. You must be really stoked with this. It’s exciting times when the Household Labour Force Survey reports so many hundreds of jobs all being created by this wonderful National government. I know what you’re thinking – measuring jobs that are from one hour a week shouldn’t really count in these “statistics.” But think about it. Working for an hour a week for minimum wage definitely makes you feel more worthwhile than working no hours a week for 10 times as much benefit money.

Northland, my friend, you need these one hour per week zero hour contracts. They’re good for you. Really, really good for you. I know if I had the choice I’d prefer to feed my family on self worth rather than food.

My dear Northland. You must also be sick and tired of waiting in long queues of traffic at all those extremely remote one-lane bridges. I’ve dipped into the kitty and shuffled things around a bit and I’m excited to say that we’ve found several spare millions to turn these monolithic eyesores into beautiful two-lane mega-structures. Yes, perhaps several hundred ancient kauri will need to be trimmed and/or made into coffee tables for all those state houses we’ve sold in Glen Innes, but this is a tiny price to pay for just a few thousand votes.

Well, Northland, I might see you again before the end of the campaign. You definitely will see Simon Bridges again. He’s awesome. He’s like a young me but with slightly less charisma and a slightly higher measure on the Stanford imbecilic Scale. Plus, you won’t be seeing your candidate Mark Something again. We’ve hidden him in a container at Whangarei harbour with postage to Port Villa. Hopefully that works.

I love you, Northland, and you love National. Remember that.

John  xxxx


John Key: Look, people, there’s absolutely nothing, NOTHING, to worry about

Hello Nu Zilnd. My name is John Key and I am your leader.

Many things have been said this week about New Zealand spying on our Pacific neighbours. I am both saddened, outraged and nonplussed by the allegations.

Let me please refute them with a series of well thought out arguments that appear to be slightly if not utterly abusive.

  1. Even though the Kitterage report upheld many of the allegations outlined in the Dirty Politics book, none of those allegations are true and in fact, these allegations, which are also not true, are untrue.
  2. Nicky Hager is a well-known left-wing conspiracy theorist. I saw him one time at a conference of UFOlogists (the only reason I was there was due to the fact it was at Sky City and I needed to pick up 57 checks made out directly to the National Party so they didn’t appear on our annual returns). He was doing a Spock handshake with some guy wearing a Dungeons & Dragons t-shirt. Nerd.
  3. Hager doesn’t know what he’s talking about.
  4. The documents are old and completely out of date.
  5. Look, I’m not going to comment on operational matters. Not only would that break a long-standing convention, but it would also mean I’d be talking about stuff I don’t want to talk about.
  6. Unless I actually declassify documents to back up my argument and make myself look good.
  7. We need to monitor Kiribati because of all the anti-American terrorists who have made their lives there.
  8. I don’t have to tell you anything.
  9. Snowden is a hippy.
  10. ISIL.
  11. The guy who drove my diplomatic vehicle the other day was talking about the cricket and how well the Black Caps are going at the moment. I told him that I was at the cricket on Saturday when we thrashed the Ozzies.
  12. Golf with Obama.

So you can see, although I’m not willing to make any comment on these matters, there are plenty of reasons why we need to be carrying out mass data collection on our Pacific neighbours, even though we’re not doing it.