Hello. My name is Rodney Hide and this is my column.
During my column I generally make outlandish statements. Sometimes they are thinly disguised racism; sometimes they are telling the Greens they are a bunch of fruitcakes. Whichever way you look at it, if my opinions are great enough to be published in a weekly newspaper, then they must be important.
Here is another one of them.
We all do it. He does it. You do it. I do it. Gosh, even our former Prime Minister Helen “Of Troy” Clark did it.
What am I talking about? Speeding. According to the latest figures I was emailed by the PR company paying for this opinion, around 106% of all drivers speed at some point in their driving career. The other 17% are lying.
We all know that speeding is just part of arsenal available to excellent drivers such as myself. I mean, I have a fairly late-model European import, hand-crafted in Germany by illegal migrant workers. It has been built for the Autobahn. When I travel down the Auckland motorway at exactly 100kph the GPS sighs at me and says, “stellen sie ihren fuß auf das gaspedal sie kätzchen,” and quite rightly too. The car is built to travel at over 180kph and to just travel at 100 is an insult.
You do the maths. If you are travelling behind a truck and trailer going at 90kph you need over three kilometres of open road just to pass it. That’s why you get so many excited drivers trying to run each other off the road as they attempt to make it to Queenstown to get the best camp-site or park near the gondola.
Even though I have a very expensive car and loads of money, I like driving at the speed limit. If I have to pass I make sure of it though and I’ll get up to about 25okph to burn off those slow coaches. Then I slow down to the speed limit again to continue my journey safely until I come up against another useless driver who I’ll pass at the maximum.
Now. If I got caught speeding I could lose my licence or my flash car. Luckily, thanks to my years in parliament, I know a lot of people currently high up in the New Zealand police force and if I finish this sentence I could lose a lot more than my licence or my sweet German ride.
The only thing I will say about the police and their zero tolerance policy on speed is this: it is a complete waste of time and resources. The speed limit is just a suggestion and because it’s a law that I don’t agree with then I’m going to criticise it profusely because I don’t believe that I should be penalised for breaking a law that is obviously so ridiculous.
Unlike those cheating the benefit system out of tax dollars, speeding is a victimless crime (unless you crash into someone and hurt them). I shouldn’t have to abide by a law that I don’t agree with.
Murder is also a victimless crime. There are many, many people out there who I don’t think should be walking the street but God help me if I go out there or I hire someone else to go out there to take them out. Apparently you just can’t do that. It’s against the “law.”
Well… it’s a stupid law. Drafted by stupid people. Stupid people who work in stupid Wellington for stupid money.
Until the government realise that I’m rich and the law doesn’t apply to me and my friends then the better off we will all be.