Partnership schools are doing really awesome

Hello and greetings. Frontbench cabinet minister and lady of the relm Sir Hekia Parata speaking. I’ve been asked by our wonderful prime minister to just clarify a few things surrounding our fabulous group of partnership schools – schools which are soon to be joined by a growing band of experimental educators.

This week here has been a myriad of unwarranted criticism of my partnership schools. If I was to choose something to criticise it wouldn’t be my partnership schools. I would, for example, criticise the biased media who appear to have sided with left wing conspiracy nut Nicky Hager. I might, for example, criticise those people around the country who are constantly accusing John Key of lying when he is quite clearly not un-lying at all times, or not.

Back to me.

The partnership school scheme the government is running has had an enormously successful year. There are so many tens of children attending these schools around the country. All these children are so happy with their brand-new school uniforms, their pastel coloured beanbags, and their 6 iPads each. And their iPhone 6.

I’ve had many reports of some very happy children at our partnership schools. When they attend they are very, very happy. All so very, very happy. Happy children with happy teachers. Happy teachers with their brand-new classrooms, their pastel coloured beanbags, and their 6 iPads each. And their iPhone 6.

As the Minister of Education it is hugely disappointing to hear so much criticism of these wonderful teachers, brilliant children and fantastic schools. It’s so hard to set up a school. Have you ever done it? No. Nobody has. The only people who’ve set up schools of any kind have worked for the government (unless you’re part of the wonderful private school system with their massive classrooms, tiny teachers and hugely deep pockets funded from giant pools of unpaid tax). You can’t just rock up to a paddock somewhere and set up a school in a couple of old buildings and hope for the best. No. You also need several million dollars and a licence to drill.

The other thing that is so disappointing is that people are saying that because just a few dozen students have left a couple of the schools over the course of the year that these schools are somehow failures. How utterly ridiculous. Schools are not failing because a few students have left. You need to remember students leave schools at all times through the year, all year, every year. As I understand it, once you’ve learnt everything there really isn’t much point in hanging around. You might as well leave and go and seek your fortune in the world of McDonalds or Burger King or driving a taxi or something.

Anyway, failing is a relative term. When I sat School Certificate back in the 1970s if you got 60% on your exam, that was deemed a pass. You were in the top echelons of the other spotty twerps. (I get the figure from 3 out of 5 of our wonderful partnership schools being 60% – not that I’m saying the other two are failures, far from it, they are incredibly successful, just not in the way of having robust systems in place or attracting and retaining students, staff or money).

It also gives me great joy to announce we’ve sold several power companies and some parts of our national airline and we can syphon of a couple of mill to set up a few more partnership schools. There are many, many children who we can also syphon off from some fairly low decile schools nearby to jazz up with a swanky new uniform, a pastel coloured beanbag, 6 iPads and an iPhone 6.

As you can see, partnership schools are a hugely successful enterprise and we should celebrate.

Beanbags for all!!

Hek x


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