John Key speaks about things

Good day to you.

My name is the Prime Minister. I just wanted to speak about a few things that have been on my mind over the course of this week. They are in no particular order and neither am I.

Those people who are saying that I am in regular contact with Camoron Slater need to consider the facts as they are laid out by me. I can categorically state at this point that I have maybe had contact with him a couple of times over the course of the last few months. I can’t really remember. I get a million or so texts per week. I can’t be expected to remember each one, who they were from, and when they were sent. I don’t even remember the last time Bronagh texted.

In any case, every right-minded person knows contact involves direct man-touching. Camoron and I have not engaged in any direct man-touching for quite some time. Plus, I didn’t understand the question when it was being asked in parliament because there was a bit of noise so I thought I was talking about dairy subsidies or the TPP or something. I replied “no” and I should have replied, “Yes. It was only a few hours ago. I remember clearly now. We were talking about the Labour Party death cult.”

There are many other people, and some of the same people, who are calling on me to resign following the release of the Gwyn Report into the use of SIS information to discredit Phil Goff. I will not be resigning. There is absolutely nothing wrong in what I’ve done and I’m absolutely happy with where I am on this. Look, I can’t be held responsible for any of the goings on in my office, the SIS, or anywhere else I have ministerial or prime ministerial responsibility for.

It’s important you know we have clear guidelines for these types of situations. Yes I am the head of all these places, yes I am at many of the meetings where we discuss the future direction, media strategies and policy ideas for these organisations, but I’m never listening. Quite often it’s because I’m not wearing my prime minister’s hat. I might be wearing a fedora or a New York Giants cap or something. If I’m not wearing my prime minister’s hat then I’m not allowed to listen or take part in the meeting. In fact, the people in the meeting often tie me to the chair and put duct tape over my mouth so that I’m not even tempted to engage. It’s a very clear, well organised balance based on hats.

At the end of the day I cannot be held responsible for anything that I have responsibility for. Because of my love of different kinds of hats.

Therefore I will not be resigning from anything.

Kind regards,

The Prime Minister

PS: I’d like to welcome back Dame Judith Collins back to the National Party. She has been a tireless servant of the black arts, killing endangered beasts and drinking the blood of the innocents since she was born to the son of a witch during the Middle Ages around 1278. The National Party is nothing without her unique style of passive-aggressive blood-lust.

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